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Member
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 12
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Sunday's Fathers
Sunday’s Fathers
“Hello, Katherine.”
For a moment I forget why I have to ring the doorbell at my own house. She stands before me in a sheer cornflower blue dress that wisps across every curve. Her golden hair flowing over her perfectly tanned shoulders; she looks like an angel.
“Steven,” she says curtly, her mouth taunt, her full lips disappearing into a thin line.
Now I remember. Katherine is a cold and unfeeling witch that cheated on me and got our house and our son in the divorce.
“Who is it, dear?” A voice calls from inside.
It’s Ryan. The new king of my castle. The new man of my house.
“Nobody, darling,” Katherine says in a sweet feathery tone that used to be just for me.
Nobody. That’s who I’ve become. At first it was Steven, and then Jimmy’s father, then her ex, now I’m nobody.
“Is Jimmy ready?” I ask, wanting desperately to get off this porch and away from her.
“I’ll check,” she says tersely, pushing the door half-way closed; as if not seeing me meant I wasn’t really there.
“Jimmy, honey, your father is here,” she yells up to him. The sweetness is back in her voice, but the word ‘father’ lingers heavily in the air, dripping with distaste.
“Coming, Mom!” Jimmy calls back. His energetic nine year old voice fills my heart. It’s that voice, that enthusiasm that drives Katherine mad. She hates that he loves spending the weekends with me. She thinks that it’s some kind of disloyal behavior for him to love both of us.
Jimmy bounds down the stairs and into my arms. “Hi, dad!” he screams, throwing his arms around me.
“Hey sport, you ready to have some fun?” I ask, hugging him.
“Sure thing,” he says, pulling me off the porch.
“Make sure you have him at your sister’s house by six o’clock on Sunday, we have to get up early Monday morning,” Katherine warns. She refuses to pick him up at my apartment, claiming she needs to be on neutral territory. “And make sure he wears his seatbelt!” She adds for measure.
“Don’t I always,” I call over my shoulder. Her words can’t sting me now. I have Jimmy and the weekend is ours.
“Where are we going this time, Dad?” Jimmy asks as I pull my old beater of a sedan out of the driveway. Katherine got the cars in the settlement too.
“I don’t know,” I tell him, shaking off the memory. “What about The Mouse Trap?”
“Yeah!” Jimmy shouts. “I love pizza!”
The Mouse Trap is Cedar Falls’s version of Chucky Cheese. It is small place with an arcade and a big bin of balls that the children like to dive into. The kids can win tokens from the games and trade them in for cheesy prizes when the have acquired enough of them. A headache for adults, but they love it.
The place is packed as usual; kids running everywhere while parents sit quietly at their tables. I lead Jimmy to the back, to the small section where we always sit. It’s different in this corner and sometimes I feel like a leper. There are no whole family’s back here, only fathers. We are a breed of our own known as Sunday’s Fathers. We are our own club. We love against the clock, trying to pack in all the feelings in a few measly hours hoping, praying it will be enough until the next time we see our children.
I give Jimmy some money for tokens and then he is off to play. I chat with the other fathers about the things we missed all week, but never do I take my eyes off Jimmy. He is growing up so fast and I miss him. I miss tucking him into bed every night, I miss taking him to school every morning. It’s the little things that really get to me; the little things that actually make a father a father. I’m no more than a buddy to him. I don’t tell him to do his homework, or force him to eat his vegetables. Our time is precious and I don’t want to waste a second of it.
I see Jimmy making his way through the crowd, making his way back to the table. It’s time for another bite of pizza, or maybe some more tokens. But I am wrong on both counts. He leaps up on my lap and gives me a hug.
“I love you, dad,” he whispers.
Tears well up in my eyes, and I choke out the words, “I love you too, sport.”
The other fathers turn away. They know that this moment is special, a rare treat in the midst of chaos and they respect that. In a flash, Jimmy’s gone again, and I wipe my eyes with a napkin. After a moment, the other fathers turn back to me and we start chatting again. I can see the envy on their face, and it makes me proud. Those words and that hug are what we live for. It doesn’t seem like much in the big scheme of things, but to us, to Sunday’s Fathers, it’s everything.
Later that night, I drive us to my little apartment slower than usual. The day is almost over; only one more day with Jimmy. He says he loves my apartment; he actually calls it ‘economical’, which sounds funny coming out of a nine year olds mouth. I think he might have heard me use that word, but the way he says it, with a child’s innocence, it makes it almost okay.
I carry him inside, for he has fallen asleep on the way back from the pizza place. I lay him in my bed and cover him. I will be sleeping on the lumpy couch, but it’s worth it. He curls up on his side and my heart aches. I miss him so much. One last kiss on his forehead and I leave him to sleep.
Sitting on the couch, I turn the T.V. on; making sure the volume is low. I doze off, with the flickering lights from the screen dancing around the darkened room, thinking about tomorrow.
We rise early, there’s never a moment to waste. Breakfast is eaten at the diner around the corner. Jimmy likes cheeseburgers for breakfast, and I always allow it. Katherine hates it, complaining about the junk food, but I don’t care. It’s our time and his happiness is more important than what food he has for breakfast.
Finishing quickly, we’re off to the ball field in the park. Most of the day will be spent there, and for lunch we’ll get a hotdog from the vendor. Sunday’s Fathers are already gathering, tossing the ball to their children, showing them how to swing the bat for the perfect homerun.
Jimmy and I toss the ball for awhile, until he says he is thirsty. We got the vendor and get a couple of sodas, another thing Katherine would admonish.
“I’m going to miss you dad,” Jimmy says when we get to the bench.
It breaks my heart, but I can’t let him see it. “I’ll miss you too,” I tell him. “But I will see you next weekend.”
“That’s great!” he screams. “You’re coming too?”
“Coming where?’ I ask. I think I missed something.
“To California,” he says matter of factly.
My heart leaps to my throat. “What are you talking about, Jimmy?”
“Mom, Ryan and I are moving,” he tells me. “We’re leaving in the morning.”
My heart shatters in my chest. It’s bad enough that I can only see him on weekends, but if they move 2000 miles away I will be lucky to see him twice a year.
“Are you sure?” I ask, hoping that he made a mistake. He is only nine after all.
“Sure,” he says, sipping his soda. “We’re already packed.”
I will not lose my son. “Why….why don’t you go play with the other kids,” I tell him. “I will be there in a minute.”
“Okay,” he calls, scurrying off.
I pull out my cell phone and dial Katherine number, my old number.
“Hello?” she says sweetly. She doesn’t know it’s me yet.
“It’s Steven.”
Her voice immediately takes on an icy tone. “Hello, Steven, what can I do for you?”
“Jimmy told me something very interesting just now.”
“And what is that?” Her voice would freeze the sun.
“That you are taking him to California,”
“Well….I,” Katherine stammers. She’s frustrated, and I know now what Jimmy said is true.
“Forget it Katherine, how could you?”
“I….we need a new start, Steven,”
“What about me?” I ask. “What about my time with Jimmy?”
“That’s not my problem,” she states, cold as ever.
My anger builds, and I know it’s time to get off the phone.
“Good-bye, Katherine,” I snap, hanging up before she can respond.
I go over to the ball field and start tossing the worn baseball to Jimmy. My minds not focused and the first few go over his head.
“Dad,” he screams, chasing another one that swerved way to the right.
I glance down at my watch. 1:45; earlier than usual to go to my sister’s, but today we will make an exception.
“I think we should go to Aunt Jackie’s now,” I tell him.
Jimmy smiles and happily skips off toward the car; he loves it there. My sister has four kids, and he has a wonderful time playing with them. The trip across town only takes a few minutes, but I am reluctant to get out of the car.
“What’s wrong?” Jimmy asks.
“Nothing, sport,” I tell him. This mess was my problem, nothing for him to worry about.
Jackie and the kids come running out the door to meet us. Jimmy is out of the car like a flash and disappears behind the house. What a blessing it is to be nine.
“What’s wrong, Stevie?” she asks. She always calls me Stevie; one of those non-spoken rights of being an older sister.
Solemnly, I follow her into the house and look around to make sure no little ears are listening.
Telling her the details about Jimmy going to California only takes a minute, but with each passing second my blood boils.
“How could she do this to me?” I yell, slamming my fist on the coffee table.
Jackie sits quietly, and I know what she is going to say. I don’t want to take sides, she’ll tell me. If I want to continue to see Jimmy, I can’t go against Katherine. Sometimes Jackie’s pleasing nature drives me mad.
“Well…” she starts, but I interrupt before she can continue.
“I know, I know, you don’t take sides,” I tell her, shaking my head.
The rest of the afternoon Jackie and I talked about things that weren’t important while Jimmy played with his cousins. It wasn’t long before the wicked witch rang the doorbell.
Jackie opens the door and smiles. “Come on in,” she says, waving Katherine through the doorway.
“Where’s Jimmy?” she asks, her voice as frigid.
“He’s outside flying kites,” I tell her. “I’ll get him.”
“Sit down, Katherine,” Jackie offers. “I just put on a pot of coffee, do you want a cup?”
“No, thank you,” Katherine says politely. “We are in a hurry.”
“I’ll be right back,” I mutter as I go out the door.
Jimmy was running through the backyard, a florescent green kite drifting through the sky behind him. He looked so peaceful and happy - his rosy cheeks shimmering in the afternoon sun; his dishwater blonde hair tousled by the rising wind. He was my son, my life, and SHE wanted to take him away from me! Watching him, I knew that I couldn’t let that happen. I knew that I had to… needed to…. somehow…change Katherine’s mind. But I also knew that this was a war I would not win.
“Jimmy!” I call. “It’s time to go!”
“Okay, dad,” he says, handing over the string to the kite to his cousin.
Fifteen miles away, I pull my sedan next to a gas pump. Jimmy sits quietly in his seat staring out the window. Katherine is probably livid by now. Good. Neither of us has spoken since we left, and I break the silence.
“You want a soda or something, sport?” I ask.
“Ah…sure, dad.”
“Well, come on,” I urge him, opening the passenger door for him.
A few minutes later, we pull onto the highway.
“Aren’t I supposed to be going home with Mom?” Jimmy asks.
I sigh. I’m not sure what should be said at this point, so I ignore the question and change the subject. Baseball is the topic now and my trepidation abates the farther away we get.
“Where are we going, Dad?”
“For a ride,” I lie.
“Where to?”
Why do kids ask so many questions? “How would you like to see the ocean, sport?”
“The ocean?” Jimmy repeats. “I’ll see the ocean tomorrow with Mom and Ryan.”
Of course he would, I thought, but then I say, “I know, son, but how would like to see it with your good ole dad?”
A smile spreads across Jimmy’s face. “Really!” he screams. “You’re coming with us?”
Kids. “No, son, I’m not coming with you. I just thought we would see the ocean together, just the two of us. What do you think?”
“Can we go to Disneyland?!” Jimmy shrieks.
The look on his face, the grin that ran ear to ear, the sparkle in his big blue eyes, wouldn’t allow me to say no. I knew the excitement he was showing wasn’t completely because he wanted to be with me, but I would take what I could get. He was happy and that made me happy.
Night had fallen, and Jimmy was curled up in his seat. “When can we see Mom?” he mumbled sleepily.
Before I could answer, he was fast asleep; relieving me of that uncomfortable conversation. What would I tell him, ‘you’re mom is a selfish bitch that wants to take you away from me’. No. No matter how I felt about her I couldn’t tell him she needed to suffer the way she wanted me to suffer.
We had been on the road for almost six hours, with almost sixteen to go. I stopped at a truck stop and pulled in next to a pay phone.
“Jackie, it’s me,” I whisper into the receiver.
“Steven!” she screams. “Where are you?”
“That doesn’t matter,” I tell her.
“Why are you doing this?” she asks.
“Why? You have to ask me that? You know what she is doing to me…to Jimmy.”
“This is not the way to settle it, Steven. You need to come home; Katherine called the police.”
Anger filled me, boiling my blood. “Let her!” I shout. “What can she do, I am Jimmy’s father!”
“She’s really hurt,” Jackie says. “She’s been crying all night. She’s scared, Steven.”
“Good,” I say. “Now she knows how I feel.”
“Please, Steven,” Jackie begs. “Please come home.”
“I can’t. I will call you later.” I hang up the phone before she can say another word.
She’s hurt, she’s crying, she’s scared. Perfect. Now she will know what it’s like not to see Jimmy whenever she feels like it. She will know the pain of waking up and not having him there.
I drove on with Jimmy, who was obliviously to what was really going on, sleeping beside me. I kept telling myself I was doing the right thing. A boy needs his father. He needs to spend time with him, learn from him. Nothing good could come out of separating father and son.
The miles ticked away and Jimmy mumbled something about his mother. I couldn’t make out what it was, but whatever it was seemed to make him happy. A small smile ticked the corner of his lips. I smiled down at him. He looked so innocent and peaceful. The divorce had been hard on him. After the initial separations he spent almost a month in his room, refusing to talk to anyone. He cried constantly because he couldn’t see me when he wanted to. Now he was settled into the routine – mother during the week, father on weekends. The new man in Katherine’s life fit somewhere, but I’m not sure where.
I was doing the right thing….right? Katherine should know how it feels to have her son stripped away from her and taken across the country. She was going to feel the pain I feel everyday. Now I had the upper hand. I smiled to myself as we crossed yet another state line. The farther we got from her the happier I was. And besides, Jimmy would be happy with me. A boy needed his father.
Jimmy stirred in his seat. It was time for another pit stop. I drove up to a gas station and gently nudge him awake.
“Jimmy,” I whisper. “Let’s get out for a minute.”
“Mom?” Jimmy mutters, rubbing his eyes.
My heart feels heavy in my chest. “No, sport, its dad,” I tell him.
“Where are we?” he asks.
“A gas station, “I say, helping him out of the car. “Just a pit stop.”
“When can we see mom?”
“Not for awhile,” I tell him.
“But…but I want MOM!” he yells, pulling away from me.
“Don’t you want to spend time with me?” I ask. I was hurt, but I didn’t want him to know it. Why would he want her when we were going to be together?
“Yes, dad,” he says softly.
I smile at him and take his hand. “Good,” I say as we enter the small store.
We load up on junk food and pile back into the car. Jimmy hadn’t said anything more about his mother, but the sour look on his face gave away his thoughts.
Why couldn’t he just be happy? I thought as we heading back out to the highway. Why couldn’t he just be thrilled to be spending time with his father that loved his so much? I hated seeing him like this. I didn’t want to do anything that would cause his unhappiness, but….but it was for his own good. He would adjust. He had adjusted to not seeing me; he would just as easily adjust to not seeing his mother. I repeated this to myself over and over as the night grew deeper.
Jimmy shifted in his seat and then sat up. “Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“I want to go home.”
My heart sank. I glanced over at him and tears were streaming down his face. My god, what have I done. Was I acting like her? No, I told myself. She started it. She wanted to take him away from me. It was her who didn’t want me to see him. I would never take him away from…..his mother.
“Go back to sleep, son, we will be at the ocean soon.”
Without a word, he laid his head back against the seat and closed his eyes.
I drove all through the night and at noon the sun was shining brightly overhead. The air was clean and crisp and I was feeling better than I had in a long time. We finally arrived. I turn off the ignition and stare out the windshield.
I prod Jimmy awake. “We’re here,” I tell him.
He rubs the sleepiness from his eyes and looks around. A smile fills his face and he reaches over and hugs me.
“I love you, dad!” he cries.
Tears well up in my eyes. I can’t speak. I nod and smile at him as he pushes open the car door and starts running. Katherine scoops him up in her arms, and with only a quick look at me she carries him into the house.
“I love you too, sport,” I whisper, slowly driving away.
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Vicki
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