lorka

A monologue. Thanks all, and hi!

The task was to write a monologue with a revelation that brings to light the totally unexpected true identity of the speaker.

Hope the identity of this character isn't too elusive....

<Against an anonymous brick wall>

I popped down to the Spar this morning, it was Paul's son behind the counter today. I didn't mind, I don't know anything more than his first name. Tall fellow he was, with his collers up, covering his neck. I expect we'll become better aquinted as I start frequenting the village shop for The Express every morning. Thought I'd invite the new neighbours to come by for elevenses tomorow, so I went a bit overboard with the treats. Custard creams, ginger nuts, and cheese melts I added to the list, on top of my usual rice cakes, goats cheese, soya milk and so on. I don't have the heart to try the Atkins diet, but 14 stone I think isn't quite worthy of that sort of radical action. Dairy alternatives are a much healthier solution, and I'm sure I will lose it eventually, there's no rush as such. Minehead agrees with me, I moved here looking for the quiet, and I think I have found it.

<In a high backed, black chair. Dark red wall paper, a living room perhaps>

I had already met Peter and Gladys from across the road, charming couple. Although Minehead is nicer than Newcastle, one gets a sense that everything you do is scrupulously analysed by those around you. I hadn't meant them to know quite yet, but Gladys calling round at three thirty this afternoon ruined my plans. I answered the door dishevelled, and in my nightie, had to explain my nocturnal life style, how it suited me better. She smiled and said "Yes, yes, I know exactly what you mean". Which is a ridiculus lie because if she did she would have accepted my offer of elevenses that evening.

<clasping a glass of some red liquid, thicker than wine. Leaning back in a large black arm chair, fire light flickers on speakers face>

Thought I'd explore the village at more ameanable hours, so I stepped out of my bedroom window at about four. I really do dislike streetlights. Turns everything into such an unfriendly colour, the black of the night is far more welcoming than the sickly hew of that orange neon. I heard him from miles away, but I was still suprised to see Paul outside the shop. He was unloading large crates of milk from a white van. I knew shopkeepers got up early, but I had no idea that early. I paused near a lamp post, he hadn't seen me. The weight of the bottles was clearly a strain, he was gritting his teeth, tensing all the tendons down his throat. I hovered a bit, wondering whether to do something, but decided against it, it was too early.

<Standing against black. Several candles in the fore and background>

Just before I went to bed the postman called, asked how I was settling in. I said "Very well thank you dear, you know how it is moving into a new house," he grinned and said loudly that he had never moved house. I yawned, which was silly of me. His grin faded and he stepped away. I said "could I have a copy of The Express? Do you have one spare?" but he just turned away, keeping his head down he skipped next door and went straight to two doors down, over the hedge. I stood there for a moment, but the harsh Minehead sun rise started to burn. I turned to step in side, but kicked the sheeps skull on the door step. Hissing with pain, I shut the door.

Lit some candles, seemed like the thing to do.

__________________
No one teaches it, so nobody knows

Aevin

Um . . . you don't really have to believe me, but I think I'm psychic. I somehow guessed what the character was after the first paragraph. Perhaps it was the "Dark red wallpaper" that made me start thinking in a morbid way. Then, for some reason, I thought, "That shopping list has got to be a clue. Maybe it's something he DOESN'T buy, like, he wouldn't buy garlic if he was a vampire, or something. Of course, that's a silly example." And then, as I read forward, I realized that my "silly example" was exactly what you were going for. He IS a vampire. Reading it a second time, I can see some of the clues you put there early on such as your character realizing that the man wore a collar that covered his neck, and that he would "get to know him better." Structurally, and with the details you included, this was fun and well done. You certainly fulfilled the assignment. The reader should be able to guess the character's identity without being explicitly told. Good job.

The only real problems I see with this are the standard problems with punctuation and grammar. There are some run-on sentences, (mostly places where you use a comma where you should use a semi-colon, such as "I didn't mind, I don't know anything more than his first name." In this case, two complete sentences are joined with nothing but a comma. As a rule, any time you feel that two sentences should be connected in this way, use a semi-colon. Otherwise, this is a run-on. There are numerous other punctuation errors, some involving dialog. I'll not point them all out, since most are pretty simple. Just revise and try to catch them.

You may be overdoing it here. The "thicker than wine" gives it away way too much. You might simply omit that part, and say something like, "clasping a glass of some dark red liquid."

Overall, this is good stuff. Revise for grammar and punctuation errors, and make sure you don't totally give away the character's identity to the end, and it will be better. Good job.

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

lorka

Hey, thanks man. You're right about the semi-colon thing, [changes]

__________________
No one teaches it, so nobody knows