lennon8two

"I didn't know you smoked." I said to The Devil. It was true. I didn't know that the Lord of Darkness puffed on the cancer sticks, although I'd have to say that it didn't surprise me very much.

"There's probably a lot of things you don't know about me."

I took a drag off from my Camel Light and held my bourbon double, neat, under my nose. The aroma took me back to college, those dim days attending Chico State, mercilessly punishing my liver on a nightly basis. I tipped the glass back, made a face, and coughed. The Devil clapped me on my back.

"Been a while has it?" he said with a crooked smile.

"Yeah, kind of. I don't go out to the bars anymore. Seems like all I do is work and sleep."

"What a pathetic fucking existence."

"Go to Hell."

That made him laugh.

Scooter's Bar and Grille was hopping for a Wednesday night. I'd have to say that the ratio had to be at least three to one, which was alright by me. There was a cute redhead sitting at the bar nursing a Long Island Iced Tea, looking bored. She was wearing a tiny blue dress with spaghetti straps that hugged her in all the right places and a pair of heels. I didn't catch her face, but with a figure like that, it probably wouldn't matter that much. I told myself that after another drink or three, I'd get the digits, but then again I tell myself a lot of things.

"So Mr. Devil-"

"You can call me Lucifer."

"Alright, Lucifer. What can you tell me about fire crotch sitting at the bar over there?"

He hit off his cigarette and leaned back.

"First thing, she isn’t a fire crotch. She was born a brunette, but regularly dyes it because she thinks it makes her look younger. But she doesn't go the full boar, or at least not anymore. Some time ago she tried to color the hair below her belt and she wound up contracting a nasty vaginal infection. So now she just does the top."

"That's pretty impressive. You know everything about everyone, don't know?"

"It's my job. Well THAT, and torturing the souls of the eternally damned."

"Tell me something about myself."

The fucker started to smile like it was his birthday. He opened his mouth but I stopped him.

"No wait. Forget about it. Some things are better left unsaid."

He shrugged and told me to suit myself.

"Hey, Lucifer? How come you're not chillin' in Hell?"

"Ahh, I gotta get away every now and again. Shit just gets too hectic. Believe it or not, I get stressed. My doctor says that I need a some unwinding time. So about two or three times a month, I take a night off."

"Any reason you chose to spend your night outta Hell at Scooter's?"

The Devil paused for a second, as if he was putting some thought into his answer.

"Would you believe that I came cause I knew you were going to be here?"

"No."

"Yeah neither would I. No reason at all."

"Hmm."

People had started to move onto the dance floor. Scooter's was loud, but not loud enough that conversations couldn't be heard. I was sitting down having a drink with The Devil as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I guess after a while, things like spending time with demons just become commonplace. After all, I've been living in Los Angeles for a year. There was something I really wanted to ask Lucifer, but I didn't know if it would offend him or not. I said fuck it.

"You wanna answer something else for me?"

"Shoot."

"What's the deal with you and God."

"How do you mean?"

"Do you two get along? Ever exchange emails or Christmas cards? Or is it more of a hatred thing?"

"He's a pretty cool cat, very introspective. Rarely loses his cool, but when he does...damn, it's quite a thing. You know that whole stereotype about Asian men?"

"Lacking in the bulge, right?"

"Yeah, wasn't always that way. In fact, in the ancient days, the Asians held the same stereotype that modern day black men call their own. Round abouts 99 B.C., God was at this brothel in Mongolia-"

"Brothel???"

"Uh-huh. Anyways, God was kicking back, enjoying himself, when some Mongolian yahoo tried to pick a fight with the Lord Almighty. Dude broke a piece of pottery over God's skull. You know how those Mongolians were, rowdy fucking bunch. So in return, he started making all Asians with teeny itsy bitsy fucksticks. Guess he caught God on a bad day."

"You're so full of shit."

"Buddy, you don’t know the half of it."

We sat smoking our cigarettes regarding the patrons of the bar. Redhead was still sitting at the bar with her L.I. iced tea, still looking bored, still alone.

"Are you going to sit here jawing with me all night, or are you going to make your move?"

"I'm working up to it."

"Tell you what. I know that bird over yonder like the back of my hand. She's like an open book to me."

"Your point?"

"I can tell you a surefire pickup line that will win her heart."

I chewed on my lip and thought it over. Maybe he did know. After all, he was The Devil.

"What is it?"

He leaned over and whispered it in my ear. I burst out laughing.

"You're kidding me." I said.

"Prove me wrong."

Fuck it.

I flicked my cigarette away and made my way to the bar. The bartender, a stocky guy with a caveman's forehead stood nearby with his considerable fist stuck in a mug, giving it a thorough polishing. I took a seat next to the redhead and looked at her face for the first time. She had a tiny nose and full lips, but it didn't look bad or anything. Actually, she was quite attractive. First and goal, and I was smelling six. So I went for broke.

"Hi. My name is Lenny, and I have an eleven inch penis. Can I buy you a drink?"

She stared at me for the world's longest second. Then she burst out laughing. She said sure I could, and what a crude, yet original pickup line I had used, still laughing a bit. She was hooked, it knew it. I looked back at Lucifer; He smiled and raised his glass to me. I guess The Devil can be an okay guy after all.






I wonder if he'll be as nice the next time I see him. Somehow, I doubt it.

northerain

i liked this...its always hard to write something like this, but you pulled it of.but i think it was lacking in the substance department.i mean...ok so he got a one night stand...and?

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lennon8two

thanks much. but that's it. and nothing. it's just a short story. just 10 minutes in the day of a life.

lorka

I agree. Its cool, cool enough to do something with. At least more than
because everything about it works really well until then.

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lennon8two

out of curiosity, why? if you cant really say, that's okay, because sometimes that's how i feel about something that doesn't "click".

Kitten Courna

I have to say that I agree with the general thought that this was well done. I especially appreciated the way you started, and your character interactions. It was amusing to have the thought, ' well, he could've done more introduction...but how the hell do you start a night at a bar with the Devil?' I think you did it just right.

However, I did feel something rather missing in the ending as well. considering that he was talking to the devil as a reasonable person would, I found the third to last comment, "I guess the devil could be an okay guy after all," rather out of place. Had he not expected it to be at least somewhat rewarding, why would he have started the conversation in the first place? That was really what got me about it. I compliment your characters, dialogue, and overall tone and writing. It was a fun read, and well worthwhile. Very good job.

-Kitten

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Euripides; 'The Bacchae'

Lucky19

If the Devil is depicted as a..maybe..a burly clean-shaven man with an arogant way of talking and smells of cheap perfume, and the main character has to put up with it during their conversation; maybe then the main character has the reason to say "maybe he's an OK guy"? I mean, you should include the other senses other than sight.

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