IntoxicatingThruWords

I watch as the sun slowly fades to darkness. My life before me is comming to an end. I breathe my last breath of life and taste death upon my awaiting lips. Theres a hunger burning inside to begin the journeys of death. Slowly feeling the fire, feeling the burn, I walk along without a path, without dirrection. Feeling the fires of hell burn into my skin, leaving scars and penitrating into my very soul. My soul aches for the fire to be put out. The flames of hell are more then I can handle; Not only burning my body, but drowning me in the guilt of my sins. As I begin to wonder why I ignored God, the pain increases. Feeling as though knives are being thrown into my stomach while I try to wonder. It is although Satan won't allow me to wonder; For I already know. I deserve this pain, I deserve this hell. Burning inside, I plee for mercy. This is more then I expected. On earth the pain subsides after time. But as eternity went on, so did this everlasting pain. I felt my heart growing cold, and my soul being drenched in sin. This sin was not as pleasureable as it was on earth. No one can imagine this everlasting pain. You cannot endure it, you cannot escape it. You will not get over it, you will not find relief. There is no pain killers, there are no doctors to mend your wounds. Eternally you will bleed. Eternally you will burn. Eternally you will suffer. I wonder alone thru this land of hell. I reach the gates and stare in awe of the pure evil power of Satan. Lo and behold I reach out of the gates of hell...standing on the other side is my savior. Reaching out a hand to me, I feel the power of Him trying to save me against the power of Satan trying to destroy my soul. I can feel only happiness at the sight of my savior; which is enough to break the powers of hell. For one thing Satan can never understand is love. Only with the worldy delights of sin can Satan fool you. Away from earth he has no power. Walking out of the gates of hell and toward the gates of heaven I realize just how lucky I am to have a Savior.

*-*-*-*-*

let me know what you think...

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I just kinda died and you just kinda walked away...

Sneaky

Too repetitive and tons of typing errors too. For those you deserve to burn.

And the message at the end sounds like a piece of sunday morning preaching.

Sorry, this does not work for me.

Sneaky

Plitec

"I watch as the sun slowly fades to darkness. My life before me is comming to an end. I breathe my last breath of life and taste death upon my awaiting lips. Theres a hunger burning inside to begin the journeys of death...." (no.. i cant figure out how to do the quote thing .. so this'll do for now)

Reading the first line was enough to make me sigh. I often find myself writing pieces somewhat similar to this... then deleting them straight away.

Did you write this to vent anger or to try and deal with an emotion?

Also you refer to 'Satan' a lot and the idea of a 'saviour' (sp?) .. just didnt work for me.

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"Take a look at your life and no wonder you're so sad. Y'all put up with more sh*t than a colostomy bag"

Nazareth

Well, it comes from the heart,& that is commendable. maybe put it in more of a story form rather than diary type writing or sermon type writing. You want it to be a statement, but also want it to be interesting to those that don't feel the same way about the Saviour without it sounding preachy. Even if they don't agree, they may find a dramatic rendering more appealing Me thinks.

Some parts are nicely done while others stand out more as statements.

obiwanjabroni

I agree. It's a little too preachy. The bible has already been written. Biblical allusions are good, but you should work them in more subtly and with more interpretation.

THSprague

I'm a newbie here, but I guess I'll jump in.

The subject matter aside, I never could get into the scene. In some ways you were, indeed, "showing" what was going on, but even though it sounds horrific, I didn't FEEL the horror of it. If you are trying to truly get across the horror that is hell, then I think you would need to make it more present to the reader. Then, I think, the relief of the savior figure would be more powerful. I think that there is a way to make this particular short story more real, but I think you are going to have to make it much more raw in it's telling, otherwise it will come across as just an exercise is preaching.

Lykkwid

Read my story about hell is somewhere in this forum

_-TJ-_

This is more poetry to me, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Mostly I say this must have been a fast piece you did just to throw out, I don't mind.

If your SERIOUS though, you should say so.

Somehow I think the people who gave you replies thought so, and gave you their feedback the way they did.
-shrugs-

I just liked the piece overall, enjoyable to read for me.

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Pawn

Forget Satan. Forget God. Don't preach. Get better spelling and grammar.

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C.A
Carpe Noctem
superlatenight.com

_-TJ-_

I'll agree with that, but, the message is more important than those things.
nevertheless, what should you expect from a title that's 'Thru Hell'
-raises eyebrow-

-shrugs and walks off-

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New to the site!! Oh yea! Making a name for myself with every single post!!WHOOOO!! WHATS MY NAME KOOOOOEEEY!?!?! WHATS MY FRIKKIN NAME!?!(Kooey Hiiiis name is Koooe--No! MAAII NAAYYMM IIIS KOOOEEEY!!!!--Randomness, the only option

Oopgrub

I liked it

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