Well hello there Rob*cough* umm, Dark Aevin, you look familiar . . . -grims-
This is going to be a little difficult because I havn't actually done a critique like this, all my class A feedback is usually given to poems or raps and the such, this on the otherhand is a story. I'll try to do this right, damn me if I not give it an effort though.
-begins to read-
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Kyren was six years old when she witnessed her first sacrifice
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-raises clawed hands in the air-
"MWA-HA HA HA HAA!!"
i'm sorry, but the age just makes it an act of . . . something very bad. A little six year old girl saw a sacrifice, you know, if I didn't bother reading the story and just stayed with only reading this part I would think the logical reason for a sentence like that was she must be a grown up now, and its just a flashback, I mean, it would be increadibly disturbing to write a (short?!) story about a little girl seeing sacrifices.
-cackles from the back of his throat-
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sacrifices had to be made.
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nice cliche
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Her father had smiled and answered, "A sacrifice is the price we must pay to keep the Great Jeune powerful.
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I like this part because at the beginning of the play you think its a little messed up. "Noo, sacrifices aren't a beautiful thing, so theres just something the writer did wrong with the beginning or. . or or . .something" But when it comes to her fathers first lines, and the smile before he answered her, you just KNOW that your entering into a F***ed up city where sacrifices, REAL sacrifices (the bloody kind, oh ja pacha!) are performed.
Scary.
the talk about sacrifices being an honor . . . it appeals to me because I am into Honor. I watched all the awesome flicks where the guy sacrifices something great for the glory of something else, or, blablalbal you've kept your honor boromir (everyone should know that one) and of course the Last Samuri which i'm proud to say i've seen it 3 times now (out of 5)
But right about here
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you can succeed where I failed. You are my only hope, Kyren. Your sacrifice is my only hope."
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Thats where things get a little eyepopping. They sacrifice CHILDREN?!
-evil instinct-
BAAHAHAHAHAAHAAUGH!!
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But she had not understood that either.
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getting a little tom and huck on me. (we understand and the kid doesn't)
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clutching her daddy's hand with anticipation and a little fear,
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oh . . . oh how cuuuute.
-shakes smile off of face-
I swear, I've gotta be pure evil to be able to smile at THAT.
-caresses hands and grins widely-
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the building could hold at least twenty-hundred people, though there were only about six-hundred now, most clustered around the lowest seats, the ones closest to the white area in the center.
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soooo, the kid thinks there are 999 people, when in actuality there are about six-hundred? Is the narrorator stepping in right here? This sentence is a little confusing coming right in like that.
Aevin, you make this little girl so innocent. Its like, "well this girl has a deep fascination for this Sacrifice thing, I bet when she see's it she will be terrified and think its horrible, and wonder why people think its good. Then it would be like, a huge story could develope because ONE person out of everyone actually acts like the readers, the people who think sacrificing children is a bad thing.
or maybe i'm just reading ahead without reading ahead
-reads ahead-
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though the colors are still striking, red on white."
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-sings- Thats what its all about!
suddenly I have a suggestion for all the readers. or atleast for mr Aevin: At the beginning before you post the story, you should reccomend that the reader be sucking on a piece of peppermint candy, or atleast a candy cane. It will make the experience more . . . pleasurable.
-runs downstairs for peppermint candy-
. . .oh hell yea, it helps soooo much
-puts hands in the air-
I-I can see it!
-reads on-
*****
you have a real gift for 'setting it up'
I need to learn to do that better, honestly.
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The boy grinned pridefully. "This is my fifth one! I come to 'em all the time, except when I gotta go to school. I got two cousins who were sacrificed, and I got to go see 'em both, really I did. You don't know what you're missing. It's so great!"
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Oh god their brainwashed!!
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Like this one boy, he wet himself, and--"
Kyren's eyes widened. "You mean he . . .?"
"Yeah."
"During sack-uh-fice?!"
"Yeah, the kid wet 'is pants.
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Brilliant exchange, little kids would be gasping at that sort of things, while adults wouldn't mind it much. Keeping the audience paying attention, good job Aevin.
so, am I to understand, if your not accepted you get your throat cut, and you die? How did the main characters grandmother (or was it mother) live long enough to talk to her? How are people born? Only fittest get saccrificed, so only morons are left, you'd think. -shrugs- I think i'm putting to much thought into it, there are plenty of children to go around!
*this peppermint is awesome*
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And the Great Jeune would accept me, too, and I'd become part of him, and it'll be so neat! I just can't wait!"
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I love how the kid doesn't know what he GETS out of being sacrificed. It will be so NEAT, but he doesn't know that its neat, other people just say its neat. Its like, "Dude! Tooter-fish popkins are AWESOME, then your going to want to have one, but you really don't know untill you have it to understand if it was a mistake to eat it or . . . not."
Kids build up stuff like that too, so I guess this was staying in the character with style, which is awesome.
That kid wears a lot of green, is he getting sacrificed on christmas or something?
. . .ironic, because this mint had red white and green on it.
-grims-
The ACTION FIGURE! Rhyming never hurts
good stuff!
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The whole assembly rises when the Great Jeune enters--didn't you learn that in school?
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Oh, I thought somebody was going to get a field goal or something, thats why
-rolls eyes-
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Because of the gift he gives."
"What gift?!"
Her daddy looked at her as if she'd gone crazy. "His youth, of course."
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ok, everyone's had to have gotten the picture from this quote, this is the mother of quotes so far. (unless a certain hogwartz camra kid makes an appearance . . . or something)
oh, and I bet only a handful or truly evil people would be grinning by now.
and the select few of you who are, I applaud your evil-ness.
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the entire building grew dark, like something had simultaneously extinguished every torch in the place
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don't have to pay attention, but I would have used something other than 'place' on that line.
up to you nevertheless.
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Jeune was dressed entirely in green
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That explains Croy's outfit. -nods- uh huh
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"I wish to welcome all of you to this, the two-hundred eighty-third Ceremony of Youth.
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. . . wow
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Imitating those around her, Kyren bowed her head. "Good-bye, Wade," she whispered,
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I might be just picky here, but it felt like there should have been some description of what all these people saying goodbye sounded like. or it seemed like everyone saying amen in church, you know, something!
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his heart beating visibly in the center of his bare chest
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GREAT on that. Being able to VISIBLY see the heart beating -nods- very nice touch.
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But Wade was not smiling.
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Well now, that tooterfish popkin doesn't look so tasty when you actually SEE it huh?
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wondered how much the point of the blade tickled Wade's white skin.
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That would be hilarious.
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These sounds should have been unpleasant to Kyren's ears, yet somehow she found them musical; her chief emotion as she listened to Wade's dying cry was not horror, but wonder.
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This little girl . . . is crazy.
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an alien, coppery scent that was nonetheless strangely sweet.
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I'm absolutely LOVING The description and meaning put into this part of the story. The part with june smiling above everything, its very TWISTED actually.
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Let me see it again! Again! AGAIN!
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I tell you, she's crazy!
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Kyren felt suddenly sure that no man had ever lived who could rival the Great Jeune in looks.
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-cough- *mutters something* -cough-
-cackles-
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but she was convinced he'd be infinitely nicer on the sacrifice table.
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gosh thats hilarious! There are so many funny things about this short story, you can't just have a favorite, they keep coming outa nowhere. You succeeded on making the morbid look 'NORMAL' but for the reader it was a 'What the ****?! experience, and we were waiting for that one character who would think its wrong to sacrifice children'
Then again, Morbid TJ speaking, its all fun and games till you get sacrificed, then the fun REALLY begins.
Overall I think this was a great piece of writing, longest thing i've read here by far, I think there should be more replies, or atleast, a couple quotes rather than the whole set that I did.
This may not have been class A feedback, but it was my first shot at Feedbacking something that wasn't poetic, though, Rose red was a poetic description, and there was that rhyming with Joy and Croy!
So yea, it wasn't that hard to do. It is 1:30 however, so bedtime crushes my skull
