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Mr Dila crouches at the elephant's feet. 'Lift, come on, lift Shrita! That's it, a little higher.' The wire brush clears the mud and straw from her feet. Huge wads of dirt come off revealing the hardened hoof beneath. 'Good Shrita now the next one.' She obeys with a snort of her trunk and swaps legs as Mr Dila's wiry frame glistens in the heat. Next he picks up bucketful's of water and douses her flanks. Rivulets follow the fissures in her cracked hide as he sweeps her with a long bamboo handled brush. Shrita sways gently from side to side with the rhythm of the brushes. Mr Dila has to stop occasionally to wipe his eyes. A couple of times he turns away from Shrita, his down turned mouth lined and quivering.

Finally, as a reward for her patience he feeds her huge handfuls of green leaves and bananas which disappear into her pink mouth. Tears roll down his face as he strokes her trunk, leaning on it for support.

'I'm sorry Shrita, I'm so sorry, it's Mr Lehman and I.....' He turns away weeping. Shrita's watery eyes watch him as he limps to the shade of the hut. She walks a few steps forward and caresses his arm with her trunk as he sobs into his knuckles.

It is nearly dark when Mr Lehman arrives. His black Mercedes glints with the remnants of the day and the pale light of the moon. He stands tall and scratches his stubble while his men pull up in a large truck.

'Still no money Mr Dila?'

'Mr Lehman please I....' But he is cut off from speaking further.

'Enough, I have had enough snivelling excuses from you. The crops you say, the drought you say, the flood you say, no money you say. Enough of this foolishness. You know what my terms are.' Mr Dila's head bows as his body shrinks. Sunkenly he walks towards Shrita who emerges from the blackness of the palm trees. Her trunk coils around Mr Dila like a wraith and she places him astonished on top of the bamboo hut. Mr Lehman stands mesmerised as Shrita advances watching her tusks glint like sea pearls. He only just manages to dive out of the way as Shrita's foot trembles the earth at which he had just stood. She rotates her body and her haunches creak. The clearing becomes a scream of breaking glass and twisting metal as her vast hulk comes down like a steamroller onto the car. She stands up leaving it crumpled and shattered, steaming like vegetation in the heat.

'Shrita no! What are you doing, stop this at once!' But Shrita pays no heed to Mr Dila. With blood dripping down her back she charges at the truck as the men scatter into the forest.

'Oh Shrita, lovely Shrita.' Mr Lehman's voice trembling with fear, echoes off the bark of the trees. He reaches into his jacket. 'Oh Shrita!' She turns to him as he stands like a creeper in the wind, struggling to point a handgun at her head. His features are ghoulish, the whites of his eyes like filthy marshmallows stuck to his face. Shrita stands immense looming before him, the moon cast like an enchanted stone above her head. 'Say goodbye Shrita....' Mr Lehman's finger moves against the trigger as a crashing blow slams into the back of his head. His body is thrown down into the dust and his legs twitch like a dying insect. Mr Dila stands over him and smiles at Shrita. A piece of the Mercedes' bumper shines like a light sabre in his grip.

Aevin

I like this story. The action is cool--the rampaging elephant somehow seems very original, even though it's been used in many places before. The ending was a surprise, and I love how you didn't simply say, "Mr. Dila whacked Mr. Lehman." You allowed the reader to sort out this mess from the descriptions you used, and in the final paragraph, this is very successful.

However, there are times when you SHOULD tell the reader exactly what is happening. When the elephant attacks, the action was a little confusing. I didn't fully understand what was happening until the end of that paragraph.

Another weakness is the lack of in depth character development. The story is short, and length is unimportant as long as a character is introduced, and that character somehow changes before the end of the story. It is clear that Mr. Dila does change, but because you've sort of skimmed his personality, it's difficult for the reader to determine HOW he changed. You should go deeper into why Mr. Dila loves this elephant--a longer scene between the two of them would establish their relationship better. Also, Mr. Lehman's character is weak. Once more, simply making the scene where he demands his money longer could help a lot. Mr. Lehman's dialog also seems a little unrealistic. You should make the reader either HATE Mr. Lehman, or understand he is doing his job and is actually a little compassionate. As things stand, most readers will be indifferent toward this character. Mr. Lehman's (death?) injury at the end will only matter if the reader cares whether or not he lives or dies.

A more detailed physical description of Shrita would also be nice.

Overall, this is an amusing idea, but I think more text is required to fully explore it. Good job so far!

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

flibble flobble

Thanks for the feedback. I see what you mean about adding extra text for teh reader to really explore the story. I'll give it a go!