Tattered Soul

As you walked the streets of East Grandale you wouldn't notice much. It was your typical back ally place, people living in a refrigerator box with nothing but a jacket to keep them warm from the bitter winter winds. The buildings were run down and empty, save one out of the way manor at the end of the street. Through the grandiose Golden gates, tarnished from time, was a house that stood tall and strong but still gave off that feeling of emptiness. The ancient roman doors made an extravagant entrance to this decrepit house. In the main hall just past the front doors, grand marble stairs spiralled upward and seemed never to end in the sky above, to the right the living room. Paints from the great ones adorned the room creating a sort of a classical feel. The roof was painted with murals of the gods. In the center of the room sit a tattered couch, with a seemingly lifeless body draped across it. The man was passed out, or maybe just indisposed.

Sable, an odd name for a man of his age, but he survived with it for 29 years now and he wasn't read to give it up. He was a person you would look at and think "What a grub, He must be the worst person on this whole street." What else would you think of a man passed out in a house six times his own age? He wore a torn green coat, and jeans that were permanently stained from being on Grandale for the last 12 years of his life. His parents died and there was no will left to him, he was the 17 year old who seemed incompetents and always needed to be held up by others. As you looked harder at him, you would see a vivid scar that reached from his ear to his chin, barely covered by his unkempt facial hair. Underneath the grubby look lay a truly kind man, neat to the bone, and polite to even the dotting of his Is. No one ever really noticed this man, not even his family, when his parents died he seemed to fade away. The authorities tried to reach him but to no avail. They finally found him, and gave him the last note from his family he would ever receive.

"Dear Sable" read the note.

"If you are reading this, then that must mean you are the last survivor of the Trase family. Attached to this letter is the remaining money of the Trase family, it's probably not much but we left you all we could. We are sorry for never contacting you after your parent’s untimely death, but we had no way of contacting you. We regret to contact you in this way, it was our only choice.

Yours truly, Anne Trase
Your loving Aunt"

Sable took the will and received his inheritance. The first thing he did was purchase a bottle of whiskey and drink himself to sleep, and so we find our friend here, in the former Trase manor, from here Sable's story starts.

Waking up in the Trase manor Monday morning with the sun shining into your eyes is not the way anyone would have wanted to wake up after a long night of drinking and coming up with a massive hang over. Sable rolled of his couch in the living room and puked all over the marble floor, not that it really mattered that much because the marble was already stained a sort of yellowy color from the ages its been left untouched. Sable took the white sheet covering the couch and tried to wipe up the mess he made on the floor. After a half hour of staggering about and attempting to clean up the vomit on the floor he threw the white sheet into an open barrel fire just out side the gates of his house. The kitchen seemed well enough in tact, the black onyx stone counters needed a little polish and the grey cedar cupboards could have used a little bit of stain but otherwise the kitchen was the best room in the house. Sable opened up a cupboard to find some old Mac&Cheese and some cans of baked beans. He rummaged around for a couple pots and found that for some reason power was still being run into the house. He had what a homeless person would call a satisfying meal and he actually started to look around the house and see what he could do to fix it up.

Within two weeks of his so called looking he had jewellers, artists, florist and every other person that he could get into his house to fix it up. The carvings of the Roman Empire on the front door were sharpened up and the golden gates were polished to look almost new. The Mural of gods was repainted and almost glowed when the lights were turned on. The white marble floors were cleaned so the stains were no longer visible and the broken railing on the spiral marble stairs was replaced with a sterling silver and gold moulded railing. The railing looks almost like the two metals were purposely interwoven. It glitters as the sun shines through the sky light and creates a beautiful gold and silver shine on the wall. Sable had only one thing to do after this was all done, he needed some clothing. In his torn jacket and jeans he walked into the most extravagant clothiers and was immediately turned away because of his look. Sable tried to explain that he needed to purchase some clothing because he was now rich and his clothes that he had now were unacceptable. He was still turned away until he flashed $200 in front of the owner who graciously showed him around and suited him up with a brand new wardrobe of clothing.

Two blocks south of the clothiers was the largest club in Grandale city. Sin and Jin Night Club was the name of this place. The club sported the hottest women and the best looking guys, so sable decided to check it out on his first night of really going out into the town. As he walked in, he was greeted by a very well dressed door man. His coat was taken from him and a few girls crowded around the new comer. In the VIP room he was blessed with many drinks and many more girls. Through the night he noticed a couple of people giving him the eye but he brushed it off and just thought it was a few jealous guys giving him the gears for stealing their thunder. Sable left the club at two o’clock in the morning and walked home. Sable’s eyes were blurry and he couldn’t stand straight, he saw a couple of people around walking and talking and laughing at him as he stumbled by. The last thing he heard was a gun shot nothing more, nothing less, just a single gun shot and everything was black.

Grandale P.D. – 3:30

“So do you know this man?” the chief asked

“Yeah, he was a local homeless guy, don’t know where he got the duds but he looks good.” Said the mystery voice

“He received a will from his aunt a few months ago. He fixed up the old manor on the end of East Grandale, and was living there.”

“His Aunt? This guy had no family, no mother, no father, he shouldn’t have even existed……”
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ok so bear with me a bit... I had it all planned out and when i got half way through i not only lost the ending i didn't know what to do with my character soo... its all yours to comment on. and please do.

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As petals of a flower fall.... so does time off of the flower of life.

FieryHands

First off, I liked your choice in title. It looks like you have a good idea but didn't know where to take it. Just go back over the story and try to figure out what you're saying. The ending is abrupt, but I think you're heading in the right direction with it, just dig a little farther. Explain where they are (morgue most likely) and who the two people are. If you don't want to say who this mystery voice is, describe his voice or suggest some connection between him and Sable. The story definitely has potential. Again, I love the title.

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"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."-Alfred Alder

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein

Tattered Soul

ok... so you mean go over the story and explain a little more about him and how everything ends?

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As petals of a flower fall.... so does time off of the flower of life.

FieryHands

Basically. The ending is enigmatic which is good, but could use some detail in the setting (just as a side note, if you say the time and place at the end in that format, you should say the time and place at the beginning). You might also want to address the motivation for like say, fixing up the house then getting new clothes, rather than the other way around, which is a good clue about Sable himself. The best part of the story is when Sable is taking control of his life, rather than his past being explained--showing him through actions is more effective. That will explain who he is and help you move through the story. I suppose I'm saying overall that going back over the story might help you better develop the idea, i.e, help you figure out where you were intending to go with Sable (like why his death is important) and what if anything you want to change to the story.

I hope that's clear.

__________________
"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."-Alfred Alder

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein

Kitten Courna

Techinal, first read notes:

Capitolize Roman.

"...Tarnished from time" Tarnished by time I think is appropriate.

"...Was a house that stood tall and strong but still gave off that feeling of emptiness," 'gave off' doesn't sound very good; perhaps something like, 'stood tall and strong, suffused with a sense of emptiness.'

"...Seemed never to end in the sky above, to the right the living room," An awkward sentence.

"Paints from the great ones adorned the room creating a sort of a classical feel." Paintings from the great ones... And try to eliminate the 'sort of,' it makes your sentence foggy, and in general it usually isn't necessary. If you want to create an indistinct feeling about the atmosphere, there are better words to use (admittedly, none of which I can think of right now).

"The roof was painted with murals of the gods." This description doesn't jive with the rest; you might want to elaborate, or at least add an adjective or two, ex: "pagan gods," "hedonistic murals"... or turn it into a clause.

"The room sit a tattered couch...," '"Sat" a tattered couch,' you should try to maintain your tense. Switching back an forth between them makes it difficult to read. You might want to try to cut down on passive voice too.

"Sable, an odd name for a man of his age, but he survived with it for 29 years now and he wasn't read to give it up." This sentence is awkard and fragmented. "Sable was an odd name...," might work a little better. You should try a few things to improve its flow.

"What else would you think of a man passed out in a house six times his own age?" I'm not sure what the house's age has to do with it, but okay. *smile*

Right-o, then, I'll spare you the sentence by sentence run through. Your descriptions are very good. You have talent for making objects come into sharp relief. The idea behind the story was very good, itself, and the ending was nice and curious. A good story over all.

A few things in general that I would point out would be that your descriptions, while excellent on a single sentence basis, tend to flow poorly. You did best in the beginning and the middle, the manor's rennovation was well strung together, but the rest of your descriptions float apart. Also, you sometimes overuse nouns, 'railing' in the manor rennovation part was one I noticed. Though your story was good, The focus seemed to be on the objects in the manor rather than the characters, or the odd happenings. Since you described them most, it made your story list towards the scenery rather than the events. I would suggest expanding it, especially the end, or perhaps going into Sable's character. You could even leave Sable's character out of it, adding more mystery to your statement, "He shouldn't even exist," and simply add on to his actions and the actions of those around him.

All in all a good story, and nice ending. Well done.

-Kitten

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Cadmus: Poor child, like a white swan warding its weak old father, why do you clasp those white arms about my neck?
Euripides; 'The Bacchae'