flibble flobble

The old man sat in the chair and chewed his false teeth. He pops them half out of his mouth, rubs them against his gums and clicks them back in place with a roll of his tongue. His nostrils inhale deeply with the exertion of movement but they don’t notice the smell of stale urine which pervades the home. His brain hardly registers a connection with it anymore.

The wheels squeal as his root like hands push the chair unsteadily along. Several times he has to adjust direction using his feet to scoop him the correct way. He glances up through open doorways. People asleep, people moaning, people having their arses wiped. The stench of death is strong in this section. The nurses have eloquently named it ‘Death Row’ on account of the high turnover of patients. His room is just around the corner and he adds to the scuff marks on the door frame as he trundles through.

‘Son of a bitch,’ he mutters under his breath. The box is open just a crack, but he didn’t leave it that way. He had even placed the book on top of it. A quivering brown fingernail lifts up the lid. Two were gone this time. Two of his favourites. A rum liqueur and a cherry truffle. He bit his lip and felt the blood trickle down his chin.

‘Dear oh dear Mr Twemlow, what have you done?’ Nurse Jones nearly filled the room as she bustled into the small space. ‘Look see, you’ve cut your lip. Now that was silly wasn’t it?’ She shook her head theatrically whilst she dabbed the cut hard with a tissue. Her large, soft eyes watched him intently and he though that she may even be pretty underneath the crust of make-up she wore.‘There, that’s better isn’t it?’ She picked out a toffee centre from the box and his eyes flared as his knuckles whitened around the wheels. ‘This was what you wanted wasn’t it petal?’ and she promptly shoved the chocolate into his mouth. ‘I really don’t know why all you old folks insist on all this chocolate. Disgusting stuff I say. Never have liked it.’ With mesmerising haste and efficiency on Nurse Jones’ part, Mr Twemlow found himself in bed, shrink wrapped like a turkey underneath several layers of sheets and blankets.

He had plenty of time to ponder who the culprit might be. Mrs West from across the way was always wandering around in her own world, always talking rubbish and being discovered in other people’s rooms. He reckoned she even had some of her own teeth left, making the crime that much easier. Or it could be Billy from Death Row. Some reckoned he sleepwalked and stole things during the night. Mrs Meek had said that he stole her knickers one night. If he did that then what’s a few chocolates? Mr Twemlow decided that all this thieving had gone on long enough and that it was time he tracked down the fugitive. He devised a cunning plan to use some of his most disliked tablets which he had kept carefully hidden away from the Nurses’ prying eyes in an attempt to catch the culprit. He worked with the fastidiousness of a watchmaker long into the night.

The next day he awoke to the familiar clatter of the tea ladies in the corridor outside. He glanced at the box. The gap in the lid showed that someone had been in it once again. He cursed under his breath and then noticed that the usual inane gossip of the tea ladies was for once extremely interesting.

‘...... had to be sent home. High as a kite she was.’
‘Never!’
‘Oh yes, definitely drugs. Her pupils were like saucers, you could hardly see the blue, and her language, well you’ve never heard anything like it! She was talking and talking, half of it no-one could understand as she was talking that fast. She was shaking like a leaf. Manic she was, pure manic, that’s the only way to describe Nurse Jones!’

Aevin

You know, I can't for the life of me understand why no one comments on your stories. When I critique, I generally look for those who have no responses to their stories, and therefore need one more. I've noticed you have a bunch posted, yet almost none of them have responses. Not only that, but your stories are very interesting--the two I've read were short, amusing episodes with interesting description and good tone and voice. Maybe the people here just don't know you very well? You could try critiquing other people's stories, and maybe they'll pay more attention to yours? . . .

Overall, I liked this story a lot better than your elephant one. The ending was somewhat predictable, but it came across as amusing and funny, nonetheless. A reader who guesses "the punchline" is more likely to think, "Cool! I figured it out!" than "How unclever of the author." I found the old man's obsession with the chocolate hilarious after the disgusting description of "death row," but I would suggest you make it more clear WHY he likes chocolate and becomes so angry over it.

I also really liked the nurse's personality, and the professional, condescending ease with which she deals with Mr. Tremlow. This is a good story overall, but revision will always help.

One big thing that needs improvement is the tense of the story. You need to pick a tense, either past or present, and never change. When you begin the story with "The old man sat" and in the next sentence switch to "he pops" that violates tense. Either stick to the past tense, (He walked, he ran, he went, he talked), or the present tense, (He walks, he runs, he goes, he talks). Switching between the two is distracting and incorrect.

Interesting, if disturbing description. However, I would urge you to use profanity without worry when it is needed. The word you used sounded kind of funny, and detracted a little from the sentence. This site has a very generous policy with language; take advantage of this, and say what needs to be said.

Now THAT'S more like it!

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"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

Pendulum

Good story. As Dark Aevin said you need to watch your tense. I liked the ending. It was interesting to see how the man handled himset but it is not made obvious why he is in "death row" It seems, from the way nurse Jones talks to him that he is mentally challenged but judging by his thoughts and actions I would guess that that is not the case. Also, I liked how you ended it with the nurses talking and not some description of how she snuck in at night. This gives more originality to the story!

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Society Blows

FieryHands

I liked it. While the ending was a tad predictable, it was very well written and funny. Good piece of flash fiction.

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"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."-Alfred Alder

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein

flibble flobble

Thank you all for commenting. I really need to watch my tenses because I have a bad habit of switching from present to past which is a bit confusing for the reader. Glad you liked it!

Vicki

I liked it. The writing is clear and concise, and it was entertaining.

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Vicki