Zantra

This is my first attempt at writing a short story, so I appreciate any constructive criticism you have to offer. The premise of the story isn't as important as the content to me.


“Hey wait up” the boy exclaimed as he stumbled over a rock, breathlessly trying to catch up with the girl at the edge of the woods. His T-shirt was sticking to his back from the exertions of chasing the girl for the last 2 blocks. The boy was athletic and young, but the tightness in his chest warned him that he’d better cool it or his asthma would kick in.

The girl stopped at the edge of the woods and turned with a playful smile. “Hurry up Mark, before someone sees us”. The girl was wearing a T-shirt and jeans, her blond hair, which normally pulled back into a ponytail, was covering up her face. Mark could sense her impatience as he caught up with her. “I can still take you down Sue” Mark exclaimed as he scooped her up and threw her over his shoulder. Sue shrieked gleefully as Mark spun her around before setting her gently back on her feet. Sue eyed him tentatively. “Let’s go before it gets too late”. Mark picked up the blanket he’d been carrying, and touched her lightly on the small of her back in a protective gesture, as they started to pick their way through the woods.

It was rough and craggy as they picked their way through the small band of trees that passed for woods in this area. Sue winced as a small branch caught her on the cheek, leaving a scratch. After about 5 minutes they came into a clearing, and a large empty field. “This a great!” Mark exclaimed as he gazed around before starting to make his way up the small embankment to the field.

He found an even spot on the ground and spread the blanket out. He laid out on the blanket and stared at the bright blue sky. The dandelion wisps were floating across his field of vision. Mark smiled. This was turning out to be an awesome day after all. Sue Flopped down next to him. Mark rolled onto his side, wrapped one arm around her and kissed her. Sue seemed distracted.

“Is everything ok?” Mark asked gazing at Sue. She seemed distant. “No, not at all” Sue whispered as she gazed off into the distance whistfully. Mark kissed sue, but it felt wrong. Sue didn’t seem into it. Marked stopped. “Sue, are you SURE you’re ok?” Mark inquired emphatically, the exasperation starting to show in his voice.

Sue was quiet for a moment, a mixture of emotions showing in her eyes. Mark could tell this wasn’t going to go the way he’d planned. Mark sat up. “What is it babe?” Mark started off into the distance, as a look of disappointment momentarily crossing his face. Sue started to speak but bit her lip.

Sue sat up and stared at the ground between her legs. Mark had gone to a lot of trouble to arrange their time alone, and time alone was a precious commodity, as he lived 20 miles away, and he wasn’t currently in the mood to play 20 questions. Mark continued to stare off in a different direction. The silence permeated the air like a thick fog. Finally, Mark heard her sniffle and turned to see her crying. Mark sighed in resignation and put his arm around her. The wonderful afternoon full of amorous undertakings was definitely not going to happen today.

“Sue” Mark whispered gently “It’s ok, I know you’re thinking of him.” Sue began to sob uncontrollably, her shoulders shaking in anguish. Mark held her gently, letting her get it out of her system. The last few months had been similar to this, and Mark had been hopeful that this sojourn away from home would bring Sue some relief.

Slowly her crying subsided. “Sorry” she whispered pitifully as she used his shirt to clean her face. “I just couldn’t help it. I can’t get his face out of my mind.” Mark brushed the wet strands of hair from her face. “I had another dream last night. Just like the others. I keep wondering what I could have done differently”. Mark sighed deeply. “Nothing Sue, it wasn’t your fault”. Sue stood up abruptly. “It’s my fault!” she yelled. “Timmy’s dead, and he’s not coming back”. Sue ran off towards the woods, and Mark got up to follow, but thought better of it. She needed time to be alone. Time wouldn’t bring her younger brother back, but it would make things easier, he lamented in a sagacity belying his years.

type

I think that your story started off very well. It begins with a hint of a problem, which is great, but leaves a few questions unanswered, such as: Who was Timmy? What happened to him? Was Timmy a rival? Will Sue continue to miss Timmy and alienate her present boyfriend and ultimately lose it? What are her boyfriend's motives? Does he want to marry her, share a dark secret with her, suspect her of something?

I think you should pursue this girl's problem in this story. What will happen to her? What does she do about it? How will the story end? Will she eventually marry her present boyfriend?

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overheadalbatross

The first time I read this, it seemed so unimaginative. The last few paragraphs are well-coreographed, but the rest seemed unimportant.

But I gave you the benefit of a doubt and went through again, and a lot of subtleties got through (the obsession with time, especially). Bravo, bravo.

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Zantra

thank you for your comments. Timmy is her brother. Initially I wrote a different version detailing an accident and her resultant guilt, but since it's a short story I wanted to leave people wanting more. Maybe that's not necessarily a good thing?

I think if I detailed more on the accident and cut out a few of the middle paragraphs it would be smoother and have lesss useless lead in.

overheadalbatross

Detailing the accident at all would really break the flow, which is a baaad thing to do, especially considering that it's a short story and you've only got so much time.

I like the ambiguity of the accident as is. Maybe if the narration in the walk through the woods was done by Sue, it'd allow you to give her some more background without fragmenting it too much.

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Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air.
And deep beneath the rolling waves, in labyrinths of coral caves..

Plitec

My two cents -

The title 'moving on' ...no offence, but what exactly moves on? In actual fact it seems to be the fact that the girl can't move on is the crux of the story.

I think you should develop it a tad more and fill it out. It all seems.... bitty to me. It just didnt seem to flow well between the seperate events.

Extend it as well - you had a nice story premise, it'd be nice to see what happens between the two... also whether the man managed to have any of his planned 'amorous undertakings'

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