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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 12-24-2003, 11:10 AM   #1
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calisto_17
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The Coffee Shop

Just a fast write I had to write in my Creative Writing class once, but I like how it turned out. What do you think?

The Coffee Shop

"You came. I wasn't sure if you would or not." A man stood over a woman, a heavy coat lain over his shoulders. His skin was beaded with moisture and he ran a hand through his wet hair. The rain had sufficiently soaked him through, though he was only exposed to the elements for a few short minutes.

The woman snarled back at him, refusing to meet his gaze. "Of course I came. If I hadn't, your lawyers would have been all over me." She growled and blew the steam from her cup of coffee, her long brown hair covering her distraught expression as it hung heavily, covering her face.

"Yes, they would have been." The man said as he shook the rain from his coat and hung it on the back of his chair. Sitting down heavily, he smirked. "And you know why too."

The woman's shoulders sagged noticeably and the man called a waitress to take his order. Watching the waitress walk away from him, he leaned back in his chair, and whistled as he admired her perfect figure. She glanced back, giving him a shocked look, then hurried back into the kitchen. The woman, having witnessed the scene, stared at the man with testy, angry, and hurt eyes. "What?" the man asked with indifference, as his eyes drilled into hers, "You did the same to me."

Unwilling to give her ex-husband the satisfaction of seeing the tears that had formed in her eyes, the woman lowered her head. "What is it you so desperately wanted to talk to me about?" she inquired, her voice shaking.

"The kids."

"What?" the woman exclaimed, almost jumping out of her seat. "You said they were mine. You said I could have them."

"I lied." The man said simply, observing with satisfaction the horrific transformation that came over the middle-aged woman at this news. Good, he thought, she deserves to hurt. She deserves to feel pain, like the pain she so lovingly bestowed upon me.

"How could you? I thought we had decided. You said that I could have the children if you could have the grand piano, my great-grandmother's antique china set, and the money in our savings account. That's 50,000 dollars!"

The man could feel the anguish in her voice and he absorbed it, thriving on her pain. He leaned back in his soft chair and took a sip of his coffee. "I changed my mind."

"But court is scheduled in two days! How can my lawyers possibly prepare for a custody trial on such short notice?"

"That's just something they will have to figure out now, isn't it?"

"You...you...horrible." the woman burst into sincere, heart-broken tears as the man watched her. He chuckled under his breath, believing now that she had completely gotten what she had deserved. Turning his head from the crying form sitting opposite him, he raised his hand.

"Check, please."
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Old 12-29-2003, 02:43 PM   #2
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Sneaky
Your first tow sentences are geared for tempo. Then a throttle back. A man stood over a woman.

That was a unhappy beginning I think. After your "aggro" style of beginning I would have expected something like The man towered over the woman or something. Not "a ...stood over a....

The next stumble was "sufficiently soaked" that did not work for me.

The woman snarled and avoided eye contact. A snarl is a threat, and threat is conveyed via the face turned to the somebody snarled at.

Eyes carry threat too, and snarl carries a picture of exposed teeth with it.

Growling and distraught expression do not work very well in combination for me either.

The man is beastly from beginning to end. That I liked. He has one motivation, geting revenge at all costs.

The woman should make up her mind. Really aggresive first, then going back on the aggro, then despair,. Would have worked better for me.
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Old 01-03-2004, 04:35 AM   #3
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The opening sounded like a cheap adult novel.

And turns out, the story was about the dehuminization of a woman.

Ironic.

-------------------

I liked the story. Interesting, intelligent and crisp.

=====

"The man could feel the anguish in her voice and he absorbed it"

clever
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Old 01-04-2004, 03:05 PM   #4
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nice revenge piece.

Even though the man is ruining the woman, I couldn't help but side with him on this one.

Subtle things keep you gripped 'You did the same to me'. However he does seem to have emotional conflict, where he is indifferent it would be nice to have an undertone of rage - but thats just my view.

All in all a nice, quick story. Oh an the final line - very nice
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