mattgaz

The wind blew gently outside, rustling through the many leaves on the trees, going down through the grass and blowing gently through the bushes. The fresh cool air came blowing through the open window, bringing the promises of summer with it.

Max sat on his couch with a cigarette in one hand, phone in the other. He didn’t feel the cool wind blowing into the room. He didn’t see the thin line of smoke from his cigarette break gently on the wind and scatter. He didn’t see the promise and happiness of summer. All he saw was the phone in his hand. He stared at it as if it were about to ring, a solemn look on his face, if not a grave look. He hit his smoke and then started dialing. The numbers beeped with each button press. He stopped before he hit the last button and hung up the phone. Again he started dialing and then hung up. Again he did it. He couldn’t hit the last number to complete the call.

This was a phone number he dialed many times, never before with this problem though. He grabbed a glass near his feet. Filled with Jack and Coke and ice cubes it clinked as he took a swig. He put the drink down and looked at the phone again. He took another draw from the cigarette, longer than the previous, more drawn out than the previous, as if he was looking for support, but by his face he didn’t receive it.

He took another drink and pushed the buttons on the phone, dying to hit them all to complete the call but failing to. He let out a deep breath and sat back on the couch. It burned him that he couldn’t call this number, this number that he’d been calling for the past six months. It was so unfair, and it killed him.

He dialed the number again, this time he did it quickly so he could get the entire number through. It started ringing. It rang once. He hit his drink. It rang twice. He hit his smoke. It rang a third time. One more and he would get her answering machine. He had already left numerous messages, and didn’t want to leave another. Then the silence on the phone broke, and his heart skipped a beat.

“Hello?” It was her voice. It drove him crazy, and at the same time it disabled him.

“Hi Vanessa, it’s Max.” He tried to put something in his voice to make her miss him. To make her want him again, like she did weeks ago.

“Hey I’ll call you back. I’m real busy right now,” she said hurriedly, trying to get off the phone. She was supposed to call him back the last ten times he called her. The words devastated him.

“Hey maybe we should go out sometime, ya know,” he tried again desperately. He missed her so much it hurt every day.

“Max, we’ll talk later. I gotta go.” Why did she do this to him! He pushed aside all his hopelessness, and sadness, and tried to sound cheerful.
“Ok. I’ll call you sometime next week.”

“Later.” She hung up, and he was left with a dial tone in his ear. He hated that noise. That hurt him. Damn did it hurt. He sat there, phone to his ear, stunned. Why did she have to be like this? Three months ago she was all over him but one day she didn’t want to see him anymore. No fights, no otherwise obvious signs of a decaying friendship. One day everything’s there, the next day it’s all gone. It’s so unfair. He whipped the phone across the room. It spun through the air and smacked against the wall, dashing into pieces that scattered behind the tv.

He put his head in his arms and kicked his drink across the room. Then he thought about his plans to rekindle his lost love.

Lily

So far, good work. However, the bit that I've seen needs to be proofread- there are a few minor grammar mistakes and some of the sentences don't really work. Here are two suggestions:

1) -you have gently twice here . . . try using a different adjective so it won't sound so repetitive. I think the sentence would be more effective if you eliminated the first 'gently'.

2) -You should find a way to reword the highlighted bit- as it stands, it sounds awkward.

As for the rest, here's a suggestion I make to almost everyone's work I critique: Read your work aloud. When my English teacher taught me this technique, I didn't believe her at first, but when I tried it I realized just how helpful it was. Reading aloud can help you improve the flow of your sentences. Also, you can catch any grammar mistakes you might have, since, when you're reading out loud, you're forced to look at each word in the story. Of course, you don't have to read it for other people if you're not comfortable with that. Just find a time when you can be alone and no one can hear you. It's downright uncomfortable at first, I know that, but gradually you'll get used to it until it feels natural, and soon enough you won't even need to read your work aloud

Good luck! I can't wait to see how the story develops

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Insufferable Know-it-all.