Featherpen

Joe is an evil man. He takes his delight and pleasure from the pain and hurting of other people. It doesn't matter to him where he is or what he is doing, he torments others relentlessly. However, Joe does have a small bit of a conscience in a far off corner of his mind. And every night, Joe thinks of the evil he commited during his days. But tonight, Joe will try to face his evil, but the big question is how? Joe is struggling with himself right now:

"How could I be this way?" "I did'nt want to turn out like this!"

"No. If I change myself, I will become weak. Just like the rest of humankind."

"But I must turn from this, I can't take it, anymore!"

"NO! I am strong now, I have made myself near-perfect."

"This isn't me! I'm not like this! I can't survive this way!

"Shut up. You are useless. I am the strength. You must be destroyed."

"But I am you! Destroy me, and we both die!"

Joe is insane, now. He can't come to agreement between his personalities.
He bounds through his home, trying to run, but he cannot escape himself.
He stops in front of the mirror in his den.

"I will stop you. Fight me! I will destroy you!" Joe shouts at the reflection of himself.

Before Joe can say anything more, he blacks out.
He awakens in the bottom of spiraling stairs.
Joe is confused, but he begins trudging up the stairs.

"where the heck is this? I never been here before,but it feels so familiar."

Joe reaches the top of the stairs. He is in a large room now, and he takes a look around. There are yellow objects that look like beanbag chairs.
There is also an inward dent in the middle of the wall. There are also strange objects floating in the room. There are many other strange anomalies in the room. Joe spies a ladder in the back of the room, though and procedes to climb it for an exit.

"What a wierd place, I just can't figure it out."

He reaches the top. Not much is up there, A cord like thing in the middle of this room which leads through a hole in the ceiling, and two sets of stairways on both sides in seperate rooms.Joe thinks he can escape this oddball place if he climbs the cord. He starts pulling himself up the cord, and a few minutes later emerges into a small room.

"Windows!" exclaims Joe.

Hes rushes over to them, but to his surprise, they are shiny orbs that are fogged up.
Joe turns around to walk away, and sees a big mass of gray, pinkish and yellowish stuff lodged in a hole in the wall.

"What is that thing!?!?" He says loudly.

"I am your brain." The object says, calmly.

"Huh? How is that possible?"

"You desired to fight yourself, and destroy your evil."

"But it would kill me if I destroyed you."

"obviously."

"So be it, then. I won't be able to change if I went back.
I will destroy you."

"Wrong. You are here to be destroyed by me."

"?!?!??!!!"

Joe knows this is the only chance. He lunges at the brain,clawing and punching it. The brain is ripped to shreds.
Joe blacks out again, but doesn't wake up.

Joe finally destroyed his evil.

END



Someone please give me feedback on this.
Thank you.

Featherpen

modified7

Sounds like "Joe" met a fitting end......

amie

This is really an interesting idea. Again with the eternal pessimism, but still very interesting. I would recommend that you expand it a little, give a few more descriptive details.

A note on the language...You used a lot of very short, choppy sentences. If that is what you were aiming for, well done. If not, go through and read it out loud. It will help you with the flow. I think expansion on the story would help the reader to tell what sort of voice you were intending to use.

I look forward to reading the revision.

Good show,
amie

__________________
"The writer who loses his self-doubt, who gives way as he grows old to a sudden euphoria, to prolixity, should stop writing immediately: the time has come for him to lay aside his pen." - Colette

Featherpen

Thanks for responding.

I intentionally used "choppy sentances" with the dialogue.
You are right about details, though. I don't put enough details with my writing.

There are a couple of other things I wanted to put in, now , which would
expand it a little. I guess I will revise it sometime...

Fugi Origami

I have read your piece and I really don't know what to think beyond the obvious, it needs a great deal of work. Firs tyou jump too quickly from one thing to another, it lacks scene and structure. There is no description of who the character is, where he is, what is in the room or the corridors of his mind. It leaves too much to the imagination for what you waish the reader to understand to come across.

It is also very simple. My advice is to not have him physically fighting his own brain, but some projection of his mind, a terrifying beast or impossible looking puzzle of some sort, so that the character can discover something new about himself while destrying his own mind in the process. You shouldn't declare he is insane either. You should let Joe's battle with his own mind be his self performed decent into madness.

Just some ideas, no more than tidbits of inspiration.
do with them what you like.
-fugi

__________________
Hell is oneself, hell is alone, the other figures in it merely projections. There is nothing to escape from and nothing to escape to. One is always alone.
-T.S. Eliot

modified7

Featherpen,
Keep at it......... you mentioned revising it, most great pieces of writing have had revisions themselves and I'd enjoy seeing what the rewrite brings to the surface. The title is "The Source of Evil"........ what is the source for Joe's evil? Maybe that will come out in the rewrite. Good luck with it.........Keith

Aubrey

So many stories about man's inner struggle with himself. And personally, man's inner consciousness is the greatest of all his demons, therefore bringing forth one of his strongest instincts: the will to battle and destroy that demon.

This is a very interesting story. Almost dreamlike if you will...and to sort of elaborate on what modified7 asked there, is Joe's source of evil truly within himself or something that is merely imagined? I'd like to see this develop more as well! Otherwise, don't give up and keep up the good work!

-Wol

__________________
"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it."