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The randomly randomness trilogy: part I
Too many windows
By Alex Stom and Blair Baughman
Chapter 1: Where the hell is my hollow leg!?!?!?!
. Jim M. approached the hippo with extreme caution. It was screaming, “My anus is bleeding!” So, just then, the hungry monkey appeared in the window. Jim, startled by the noise, picks up a knife and drops it on the table. There is a long pause as the monkey holds his tail in disbelief.
Chapter 2: cheese its or vanilla wafers, that is the question.
They decide to go to the gas station together. Jim wants a snickers bar. The monkey starts screaming random words. Jim takes it as the monkey’s utter need for a milkshake. A chocolate one. The hippo starts screaming again, and then runs into the wall and drops dead. Utter silence ensues. The silence is broken by the “woop didaling padding shonga” of the cash register opening. The gas station guy yells out, “take the package!” and throws a package at Jim's right pinky finger. Jim catches it with swift redneck agility and pockets it. The monkey jumps on his shoulder, and off they go into the dangerous world. . . or so they think.
Chapter 3: My name is Ted and I live in a hamster.
Jim awakes suddenly in his bed, drenched in a cold sweat. His mom yells, “Time for school at Pigpimples
He got dressed in his robes and took out his wand, his mom then yelled, “Jim, not in public, the Guggles love to stare at wands!” Jim hastily obeyed, and then boarded the train at platform -2 2/3 . When he got to the school, he had to be sorted through a sorting hat. They had a briefing first. “The hat will be sitting on a stool. Do not hump, assume any position of Tai qwan do, or not sit on the stool. As for the hat, never rub its brim in a clockwise fashion. It will pass out for several hours and need intense counseling.” Jim was sorted into shutthefrontdor. He then was whisked away by a magic emu with its head chopped off. Time for his next adventure. . . Or so he thought he thought he should think.
Chapter 4
Jim wakes up to the cursing and bloody punches of his monkey. He doesn’t mind the punching, because what do you know, he brought him the mail from his mother and this morning’s edition of the daily profit
His mother’s letter read,
Dear Jim,
My name is Rafiki and I have a hostage. . If you do not proceed to give me $2.52 by tomorrow at 4:17 pm, I will eat my arm. Thank you for your thyme,
Rafiki
Jim went to the headmaster because he was sure this letter was not from his mom. Upon entering the office, it smelled highly of alcohol. . .
Chapter 5: Jiminy Crickets! My eye fell out!
Headmaster Ozzus Stumbledonthedoor was asleep on his pet cow, Moomoo. When Jim woke him up, he was muttering, “Sharon! Get the giraffe out of the ----ing room! What be you here forth?”
“We-we-well, I found this letter, and-“
“Ah-yes, the letter. I send that ----ing letter 400 batrillion times to your aunt begonia’s house on Public Dr.,
Little whining allowed, sorry. “
“Oh no, I already got THAT letter, this one is from Rafiki-“
“Rafucki?
“ NO, Rafiki!!!! He is a psycho killer who threatened to bite his arm off!”
“Oh, well I guess-HA! You sneaky little hippo killer! I have been following you all this time!
Jim had nowhere to run, so he took out his boom boomstick and started whacking him across the forehead. Ozzus fell into a deep coma on his desk. Then a crazy-ass bird flew down and started barking at them. Jim, confused, picked up a Spork and dropped it on the table. The bird, in disbelief, started scratching its head with his . . . ear. Three hours later, Jim comes to his senses and orders the monkey to strangle the bird. The monkey does so, but loses his nose in the process.
Chapter 6: Too many windows
Jim knew that his quest was about to come to an end. Knowing so, he screamed out random words, and one of them happened to be his last name. MULLENHEIMER! So there you have it, this whole time his quest was to find out his real last name. But what, dare you ask, is his middle name? Look out for part two in this heart wrenching trilogy.
