Thread: short scene.

i wrote this in one sitting a short while ago with no intention of writing anymore. the reason i post is because i would like an assessment of several things; firstly, that my characters have a reliable dynamic and secondly that my conversational structure is plausible. any comments in general would be appreciated also.

george

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on a sofa in a commercial coffee shop. A young man leans forward eagerly talking to a disinterested looking young woman. He is wearing black jeans, a polo shirt and a jumper. She is wearing jeans and a gorgeous black coat. Her hair is down (why not). She is wearing an expression which would look more appropriate on a Mafiosi who was dealing with a late-paying client.

Amy: stop, okay? Look, you’re becoming obsessed.
Oscar: what do you mean “becoming”? that implies that I wasn’t beforehand.
Amy: you say it like it’s a good thing.
Oscar: isn’t it? I thought women loved obsession. You know; an interesting thing about obsession… I think it was Hodgkinson who said that boredom causes obsession.
Amy: what does that mean? Are you saying I’m boring?
Oscar: no. look, amy, you need to be more cerebral here. You know, obsession is a beautiful thing. You talk about it like it’s dirty. Another theory is that it roots from an inflated view of oneself. Like… someone thinks they’re great but this is just to cover up their insecurities. So, for example, they’re really a dull person, so they cling to and obsess about someone who has qualities they like. I think that one is me.
Amy: where do you get all this rubbish?
Oscar: rubbish? This is life, dear; this is what it’s all about.
Amy: you think too much.
Oscar: oh, thanks. You know, if I had a book voucher for every time a woman has said that to me I could run a small mobile library.
Amy: stop trying to be funny. It doesn’t suit you
Oscar: it doesn’t suit me? Are you joking?
Amy: no. stop trying to make me laugh. It’s not going to get me back
Oscar: there is so much wrong with that I don’t know where to begin… Well, for a start I like your laugh; it gives me some validation. Secondly; funny doesn’t suit me? But… funny is one of my only good qualities. If it doesn’t suit me then… it’s like being born with an expensive pair of shoes but then finding out that they’re three sizes too big.
Amy: look, there you go again. Stop trying to be funny.
Oscar: no; look, it works for me, keeps me going here. What was that you said about getting you back?
Amy: well this is what this is about, isn’t it? You’re becoming obsessed and you want me back.
Oscar: that’s inconsistent, amy; if I’m obsessed it’s only because I’ve deluded myself that you’re a better person than you are. And wanting you back? Is it that obvious?
Amy: clearly.
Oscar: ouch. I thought I was being subtle… you know, amy, you’re very hostile.
Amy: hostile? I’m being realistic. I don’t want to (pauses for effect) lead you on.
Oscar: lead me on? What does that even mean? You’ve been watching too many sitcoms. Most of you dialect is stolen from ‘Friends’ repeats.
Amy: tut. Why do you always have to insult me like that? You think too little of me.
Oscar: that’s not an insult. And too little? I thought you just said I was obsessed with you.
Amy: and you said you weren’t. look, this is giving me a headache, would you please just leave me be?
Oscar: okay, whatever you want. Where does this leave us?
Amy: us? (sighs) okay, we can be, y’know, just friends.
Oscar: just friends? Ha. How long have you waited to say that?
Amy: oh, shut up. Stop it. I don’t want to hear this now.
Oscar: tough. I’m thinking it and I don’t want to lie to you now, do i?
Amy: okay. I’ve had enough of this. I don’t know why I even bothered meeting you. I knew you’d be like this. Look, I’ll see you around. (exits)
Oscar: amy, wait. Oh, brilliant.

(to audience/camera) look, see that? Did I provoke that too much? I don’t think I did. We always seem to argue like that; we always did. That’s why, I guess, we ended it. But see, this isn’t working out too great for me right now. I don’t know… (pauses) I’m aware of this nagging feeling that I don’t really want her back; I’m just feeling worthless and I know how comfortable I get with her and I want that back. That’s useless though, right? I’ll get comfortable again and then bored and then that’s where I fuck up. So what then? So nothing. This is always the way. So unsophisticated and predictable. i get into something great, normally after tedious persuasion for months, and then I get complacent and drunk and… (sigh) one day I’ll need to sort this out. Just not yet. I’ll get round to it.

(gets up, picks up coffee (of course in a takeaway cup already) and exits café. Looks around briefly for amy then shakes head. Begins to walk towards bus stop)

Then again, I do like her still. That’s undeniable. There have been some relapses- that’s her phrasing, not mine- we kissed a few times, spoke once or twice. Relapse? Like I’m cocaine or something. I’d like to think if I was a drug I’d be some unpronounceable pharmaceutical rather than some street drug. I mean… can you imagine being compared to ecstasy or something? I think I’ve met some ‘ecstasy’ type people in my life. They’re the sort of people who sit on the back of the bus who stare at anyone getting on and talk loudly about how many foreigners they saw in town that day… where was i? yeah, that’s right- “relapses”- you know, I was certain at first that this was mutual. I mean, she’s hard enough work as it is without all this. If anything this should be easy; just falling back into a relationship. Instead it feels like I’m starting over again. It’s painful the amount of effort this is taking. She’s in denial though, surely. A year gone in two months? No way. It doesn’t work like that. I suppose I just have to keep working at it. Onwards then.

(gets on bus. Goes out of view. Fade)

Okie dokie - capital letters are your friends. Don't be afraid of them! Also spacing - it makes it difficult to read without these. I've not read much of this, but a first impression just scanning down it is that it's a very long dialogue with not really any action especially Oscar's last monologue. What's happening on screen/stage during all of this?? If they're just sat a table talking it's far too long to have nothing happening - if interesting things are happening in the background or they're doing something at the table then tell us about it.

It sounds like this was just a little throw away bit of fun writing for you which is cool. If you want to polish it up a little I'd be happy to have a read through for the things you mentioned.