Thread: Black Jackylls

Ext. dawn. woods.

Start on a desolate dirt road. It is morning, but still dark. A truck pulls off of the road and REMY steps out. He is ruff looking: Beard, bandanna, cap, black eye. It is cold and he looks as though he has just woken up. He grabs a back pack out of the truck, and a rifle. He starts to walk into the woods and the voice over starts.

REMY V.O.

I remember when we met. Like warm rain you could just lay in and get old.

During the voice over there will be shots of REMY standing in a crowded bar, place of some type. The camera will see REMY and a girl looking at each other from across the bar. There will be no dialogue in these cut scenes, only REMY's voice over. The two will notice each other, look at each other and she will smile at him.

REMY V.O.

I was alone. Like all time. I had gotten used to that, that idea that I was the only person in my life. Then you. Like a angel you was. To graceful to see all the things wrong with me.

EXt. dawn plus a few minutes. woods.

REMY walking through the woods. He looks like he knows the place, but the terrain is hard to get through. Stopping smoking a cigarette. The voice overs continue as he does all of this.

REMY V.O.

Fate, luck, like givin all the gold in the world to a peasant.
CUT TO:

int. night. bedroom.

REMY and his girl lay in bed looking at each other. Kissing tenderly, looking into each others eyes. Quick cuts. As they lay in bed the girl passes REMY a note. It says, "I love you." REMY smiles and puts it on his table, from his reaction, we will assume that this is the first time she has ever told him this.

REMY V.O.

I didn't deserve you. All the good you brought me. Made me see that life can be beautiful, what you make of it. That simple truth can save a man.

Ext. dawn plus a few more. woods.

The sun has came up and REMY is still walking in the woods. He looks emotional as he walks, not crying, just a hard look on his face. He walks through the woods and searches for something.

CUT TO:

int. night. house.

REMY and his girl are sitting at a table, they are not talking and both of them have sad looks on. Cuts of them in bed, backs to each other, cuts of them not talking or noticing each other. Cuts of REMY trying to kiss her and her pulling away.

REMY V.O.
Things start to change. Slow at first. Like you started to finally see all them things wrong with me. I was to far gone. couldn't take loosin you. Though of it put the fear deep in my heart. How can somethin so good get so bad.
REMY sitting at home. His girl come home and is drunk. She looks as though she is spitting venom at REMY. He says nothing in return, only looks sad.

REMY V.O.

You start staying out late. Coming home drunk and lookin to fight. Dark times. I knew you had started to hate being with somebody like me. Should a' saw it coming, but I was too weak. Scared about it even. Couldn't accept it, that we could get like this. You and me. Hate in our lives. Like all the world.

ext. day. woods.

REMY stops walking. He sees a tree, a big tree. He looks it over, feels on it. Feels the dirt and grass. He sits down and pulls out his backpack.

ext. driveway. night.

REMY sits in a car, he's drinking and looking at his house. He sees a car pull up and a man step out and walk to the house. REMY's girl answers the door and greets him with a kiss. REMY sees this and stares silently. After a moment he gets up the courage. He gets out of the car and starts to walk toward the house. He unlocks the door quietly. He walks into the living room. He can hear them in the back, they are not having sex, they are just talking. REMY starts to walk toward the back of the house.

REMY V.O.

All those things in the world. All the pretty things. Things held dear can be shattered in just a moment. And that moment... It stays with you... For the rest of time.

REMY opens the door, this happens as he is talking. He opens the door, the man jumps up, they fight, REMY wins. Beats him pretty bad. His girl tries to stop him, but REMY, in a fit of anger, throws her off of him, and into the wall.

CUT TO:

EXT. DAy. WOODS.

REMY finally stops in the woods. He starts to dig a hole underneath a big tree. He looks around as he does this. The voice overs start as he is doing this.

REMY V.O.

I got some time to think about things. I thought that there would be no way on god's green earth that I would be able to go without you. It was just a fact, one that scared me. If there is an afterlife, I hope you there with me, if not, well that's another story.

The voice overs stop for a moment, the camera slowly moves away from REMY, on shot, you hear a gunshot, then end credits.

Hi Adam Ross,

This is a good start to something, but it needs... I guess less of a direct line of progression. I'm not saying a twist, but perhaps misdirection about what Remy is doing now. He's reliving these thoughts, he goes to the woods and shoots himself. It's sad, of course, but a little simplified, even in a short piece. It might be stronger if, say, we think he's going to shoot the new man, or new woman. It might be stronger if we fear for her if we see he can be irrational... or has a bit of temper. Clearly, he seems the brawl type with that black eye. Maybe seeing how that black eye happened Off Screen could provide a little info?

I realize this is styled all in voice over, but becuase of that, it comes accross talkative, biased and telly. Lots of the voiceover seemed redundant to what we were seeing. I'd cut some out on your revision. The visuals will speak for themselves and your tough protagonist won't sound so oddly elegant.

Besides these story notes, I highly-highly recommend more focus on form for ease of reading. Some things that I have trouble reading are large paragraphs describing a serious of shots. Each shot should have an INT or EXT intro of where it is or at least be in montage format with adaquate information.

Each new character should be introduced in CAPS the first time with their age and does not need to be in all caps afterwards. The Girl and the New Guy need to be treated as characters and their character names capitalized like in this sentence as formal nouns.

Careful on descriptions that aren't clear to act or film, such as : "It is cold and he looks as though he has just woken up." This would be better as "His breathe lingers in the cold and bleary eyed, he sleepily trudges through the woods."

As for emotion, a line like "He looks emotional as he walks, not crying, just a hard look on his face" is difficult to visualize and I feel the description gives it away more than what we will see. We'll see a guy with a hard, focused look. It'll be hard to tell why or how emotional he is.

Character dialogue has different spacing, I know its hard to post here, but try to make the character name more centered and spaced like this:

REMY (V.O.)

I was alone. Like all time. I had gotten used to that, that idea that I was the only person in my life. Then you. Like a angel you was. To graceful to see all the things wrong with me.

It's considered a faux pas to describe where the camera is going, and what it's doing in the description becuase if someone where to direct it, they would be the one to decide where the camera goes... not you. If you are directing it, then it hardly matters. I mean, Sophia Copala directed Lost in Translation with a very non traditional script of writing and pictures that meant stuff only to her and how she worked. However, if she posted here, we'd probably find it hard to approach and confusing when presented to others. For more universal presentation, I'd skip camera descriptions.

Well, keep at it and post your next draft when you feel like it. I'll happily take a look.

Cheers,
Kay