Thread: Typo: A Short Film Script

EXT. PACER HOUSE - DAY

MALCOLM HUMES pulls his beat up sedan into the driveway of
the house. He is wearing jeans and a sports coat. He
crosses the lawn to the front door with a clipboard.

He rings the bell and waits for a moment. After a bit, he
rings it again. Finally the door swings open.

JAY PACER opens the door. He is wearing shorts and a
sleeveless t-shirt.

PACER
What?

HUMES
Afternoon. Are you Mr. Pacer, Jay?

PACER
You selling something?

HUMES
Quite the opposite.
(He smiles, uneasy)
I'm from the bank. I'm here to reposes
you car.

PACER
My car?

HUMES
Yes,
(Reading the clipboard)
A blue ...

PACER
I know what kind it is, I bought it.

HUMES
Actually, the bank paid for it.
According to this you haven't made any
payments.

PACER
Been slow.

HUMES
I'm sorry to hear that. But if I could
just get your signature on this and the
keys.

PACER
You plan on driving it out of here?

HUMES
No, there is a tow truck on its way here.
Must be stuck in traffic or something.

PACER
Gonna be awhile, heard there was a
massive pile up on the 40.

HUMES
Great.

PACER
You wanna come in and wait?

HUMES
That's okay, I'll just wait in my car.
Could you just sign this, here?
(Holding up the clipboard)

PACER
Got a pen?

HUMES
Yeah.
(Grabbing at his pocket, but
finds it empty)
Must be in my car.

PACER
I'll see if I got one.
(Come on in)

INT. PACER HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

PACER walks into the house and down the hallway. The living
room is a mess. HUMES moves into the clutter and scans the
room.

PACER comes back in and holds out a pen.

HUMES
Great, right here.
(Holding out the clipboard)

PACER goes to sign, but the pen is empty. He tried again,
but nothing.

HUMES (CONT'D)
It's okay, I have one in the car. Just
give me a minute.

PACER
Sorry, man.

HUMES
It's okay.

EXT. PACER HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

HUMES crosses the yard to his car. He opens it and gets in
the passenger side seat. Rummaging through the glove box for
a pen. He finds one and sits up. He turns, but is startled
by MEGAN standing next to the car.

MEGAN is about twelve and has a backpack.

HUMES
(Confused)
Hello.

MEGAN
Hi. Did I scare you?

HUMES
A little, I didn't expect to see ya
there.

MEGAN
Sorry, I didn't mean too.

HUMES
Not a big deal. How ya doing?

MEGAN
I'm okay, I guess.

HUMES
Where are you off to?

MEGAN
Nowhere.

HUMES
I see, good luck with that.
(Gets out of the car)

MEGAN
What are you doing here?

HUMES
I'm picking up a car.

MEGAN
Who's car?

HUMES
The guy who lives here.

MEGAN
Oh, did he steal it?

HUMES
... technically no. He just can't
afford, so I'm taking back.

MEGAN
You afford it?

HUMES
The people I work for can, yes. To be
honest, they probably can't afford it
either. They just have more collateral.

MEGAN
What is collateral?

HUMES
I ... really don't know how to explain it
to a ten year old.

MEGAN
I'm twelve.

HUMES
Either way.

MEGAN
Do I have collateral?

HUMES
Lucky for you, you don't need collateral.

MEGAN
Where do you live?

HUMES
Not anywhere near here. Where do you
live?

MEGAN
Nowhere.

HUMES
Nowhere?

MEGAN
Mm hmm.

HUMES
Should be getter back, to nowhere.

MEGAN
Why?

HUMES
I'm sure somebody is there waiting for
you.

MEGAN
How do you know?

HUMES
Look, kid. Are you lost or something?

MEGAN
Well ...

A gun shot is heard from the house. HUMES looks up a little
'put off'.

HUMES
Stay here.

INT. PACER HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

HUMES moves through the living room and into the kitchen. A
lifeless PACER is lying on the floor. A revolver is in his
hand.

HUMES
Shit.

INT. PACER HOUSE - LATER

Police tape is across the kitchen door and sirens are coming
through the windows. HUMES is sitting on the couch. He
looks at his watch.

He gets up and goes into the other room. CAGE is standing
talking on her cell phone. She hangs up and turns into
HUMES.

HUMES
Sorry, Detective Cage?

CAGE
Yes, hello.

HUMES
Am I good to go. It's been like three
hours.

CAGE
Yes, oh yes. Didn't Steve come and tell
you that.

HUMES
No, Steve did not.

CAGE
Sorry.

HUMES
It's fine, can I take the car?

CAGE
Sure.

HUMES
(Turns around)
Oh, there was girl. She find her way
home?

CAGE
You don't know?

HUMES
Know what?

CAGE
That girl, she's been missing for five
years.

HUMES
Really?

CAGE
Yeah, it seems Mr Pacer picked her up
after school and has been keeping her
here ever since.

HUMES
She was wandering around outside, why
didn't she just run away.

CAGE
Kids when they are taken like that, get
confused, their scared. Terrified. It's
lucky you showed up.

HUMES
Yea, why did he do that?

CAGE
I don't know. Maybe he thought you knew.

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

HUMES enters the dark garage and opens the door. It slowly
moves flooding the garage with light and sirens.

HUMES
(Looking at the car)
It's the wrong car.

HUMES looks at the clipboard.

HUMES (CONT'D)
It's a typo.

Hi Written,
It's a strange set of coincidences that exist in your world, but they are pretty consistent throughout so I don't question it. I think you're missing some action lines, some expressions between characters in the action lines. I can't tell who some of the people are taking the lines and its gets confusing on the objectives each character should have in the sequence. Pacer, for example, is pretty nonchalent for a guy who kidnapped a girl and is willing to let his car be reposessed mistake and all... he even invites the other repo guy into his house. I have no idea why. Is he trying to seem cool about it? Is he peering out behind the repo guy looking for the girl who escaped?

Lastly, the typo... for such a dark ending, I think you need to beef up the dark humor of the piece to earn that end if you want that twist. This is a damn good example of that type of tone: YouTube - Gridlock (Fait d'Hiver). Here, we get through a slew of terrible things and just when you thought it could get worse...

Hope this helps! Cheers!

-Kay

Written thats a pretty cool script. Its like what Wall said. Maybe make the guys seem a little nervous, or maybe make him seem like he was planning on killing himself anyways, or was expecting someone to find him out sooner or later. I don't know.

Oh and Wall, thanks a lot for that link! XD!

I loved it.
I agree that him being invited into the house seems somewhat unrealistic, and the girl just wandering around seemed unbelievable, but I still loved the diolauge and the ending.

i thought it it was cool almost seemed like i could turn on the tv and just watch it

Very cute piece.
The chances of something like this, with only two actors, one easy set, etc. getting made are very good. You could probably do it yourself over a weekend.

Let me suggest you look at the way characters get introduced in most scripts

MALCOLM HUMES pulls his beat up sedan into the driveway of
the house. He is wearing jeans and a sports coat.

First of all, unlike a lot of stock script advice, the caution against using progressive verb forms is a good one. Stick to simple present. (Not "his is wearing" but "he wears" although in that case you'd say something else like "in jeans")

The more typical handling of this would be something like:

MALCOLM HUMES--late thirties, jeans and sport coat--pulls his beat-up sedan into the driveway

As far as JAY, same deal, but think about how important is attire is. You could also ask...so how important is his age, either?...and you'd be right. The thing is to tell what is needed. One way of handling this is to say what needs to be conveyed and let the costume and casting people sort it out.
JAY, dressed in slightly grubby slacker chic...

JAY, wearing the clothes he slept in....

JAY, dressed like a jock gone to seed...


One way of dealing with a lot of unnecessary opening of doors and walking over to doors and such is to just cut in to the action.

HUMES sits in his car, rummaging through glove box.

I would lose the CONTINUOUS...a director decision, not screenwriter's. And how important is it to what you are trying to tell?

Good stuff, Written! Congrats!