Thread: Sweet Tooth

100 posts and I realized I haven't really put myself up to the plate like you brave souls out there.

Opening 8 pages on a completed first draft feature length romantic comedy. Think Mrs. Doubtfire meets The Awful Truth. I love feedback and would like to know if you'd like to see more. I love critique, but especially a good critique, so anything you want to say, go for it.

Lastly, the formatting sucks becuase I can't transfer my .pdf, .fdr or .rtf docs in here and I had to paste it and space it. If it bugs you, I totally sympathize. It bugs me too. I'd happily repost with a properly formatted doc if someone knew how?

Thanks,

-Kay


BLACK.

REBECCA (V.O.)
Don’t worry, this won’t hurt a bit. You
might feel slight pressure. Brace yourself--

INT. HOWLES'S HOUSE - MASTER BATHROOM - DAY

REBECCA HOWLES, (30's) fit and authoritative, waxes her eyebrows. Face in seaweed mask, hair in curlers. Clearly, she’s in the dark stages of beauty.

REBECCA
This is really going to hurt.

Rebecca pulls off a cloth strip. RIIIIP!

INT. MASTER BEDROOM

REBECCA (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Ahhh! Okay, here we go again.

Alarm clock sounds. EDWARD HOWLES (30's), the lump in the bed, sleeps onward. From the side opposite Ed, the bedroom’s clean and neat, clearly Rebecca’s side.

REBECCA (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Ed. Ed! The alarm! ED!!!

Rebecca slams her fist on the alarm clock. Ed sees Rebecca.

ED
Ahhh!

Ed yanks the covers over his head. Rebecca goes to the closet. From this side of the room (ED’s SIDE), the bedroom is dirty and clothes litter the ground.

REBECCA
What is all this? Did you peel out of your
skin last night?

ED
(still under the covers)
I have to stay in my cocoon.

The closet: her side is neat, his side has clothes falling out. Ed’s shoes come toppling down from the upper shelf.

REBECCA
Today is just the most important day
ever and you can’t figure out where
your underwear goes. This didn’t use
to be a problem.

ED
Because I didn’t wear underwear.

REBECCA
I fixed that. Now, if I could only fix
the rest of you.

ED
Fix me? You used to say I was fun.

REBECCA
Picking up after you isn’t fun, Ed.

Rebecca puts the shoes back in place. Just perfect, when a guitar case falls, knocking her down.

INT. HOWLES’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

A kitchen in disarray. Ed, disheveled, cooks several things at once, and not well: eggs, bacon, burnt toast. He puts two servings on regular plates and puts the remainder in an empty blender.

ED
Breakfast! Last one gets blended!

Ed starts the blender, eggs and toast mash together in a unpalatable spectacle.

GEORGE, 9, and seconds later SAM, 8, rush into the kitchen, grab the two plates and sit at the table. George takes out some homework while Sam reads a comic book.

Ed grabs a purple popsicle from the freezer, unwraps it, and takes a bite.
Rebecca enters: the facemask, waxing, and curlers worked, she is a beautiful woman with a large ugly lump on her forehead.

ED (CONT'D)
(offering the popsicle)
Here.
Rebecca’s glare says it all.

ED (CONT'D)
I’m sorry. I’ll make the house shine like
the top of the Chrysler building Mrs. Hannigan.

REBECCA
(a slight smile)
You better, little pig dropping.

Ed sticks the popsicle to her forehead.

REBECCA (CONT'D)
Don’t. I’ll turn purple. If you had just
picked up your stupid gui-

ED
Want me to kiss it and make it better?

Ed leans in, his lips purple. Rebecca pushes away.

REBECCA
STOP! I don’t need to be lumpy sticky,
and late, thank you.

ED
Well... that’s not all. You were also
last to the table.

Rebecca looks at the blender full of blended eggs and toast. Then, at Sam and George, watching expectantly.

SAM
Come on Mom, it’s the rules. All you
do is hold your breath.

REBECCA
I don’t have time for these games.
Samuel, where’s your homework?

Sam flashes a crumpled up paper at Rebecca.

ED
I put it in your thermos and you can
just drink it at your leisure.
(another glare from Rebecca)
I’m just kidding. This is yours.

Ed holds up yogurt. Rebecca looks at the yogurt container.

REBECCA
That’s expired.

ED
It’s only one day expired.

REBECCA
You were supposed to go shopping.

ED
I will today. It’s this or the blender.
C'mon, we are the backbone of this
family and we need to align all our vertebrae.
Else, we’re going to need a chiropractor.

Rebecca hesitates, fuming, takes the yogurt.

ED (CONT'D)
That’s my girl, my lumbar region! Teamwork.

She turns to her sons with a big smile and hugs them.

REBECCA
Study hard, and you’ll make it out
there, like I did.

GEORGE
We’ll try, Mom.

Sam just rolls his eyes.

REBECCA
Of course, you’re my kids.
You’re brilliant.
(to Sam)
And this one technically IS brilliant.
He’s got an IQ of 140 and he’s only in
the 4th grade!

GEORGE
It’s just test.

REBECCA
Life’s one big test.

Rebecca leaves. Fuming, George turns back to his homework. Ed looks at it. George is rewriting the same work on a neater sheet of paper.

ED
You work too hard, Georgie. Sometimes
you need get by and move on to the fun stuff.

Sam nods in agreement. Ed holds up the blender, begins to drink from it, then looks at George and Sam.

ED (CONT'D)
Oh, did you guys want seconds?

George wrinkles his nose.

EXT. SILVERWOOD PLAZA - DAY

Perfectly manicured. It's an office park made to look "Ye Olde" like a Swiss chalet. Everything is "just so."

Rebecca drives into the plaza, and parks at a parking stone that reads: REBECCA, PLAZA ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT. She sees a dandelion in a planter and shakes her head in disgust.

She's shocked as a COFFEE AND BISCOTTI SPLAT on her windshield. MR. YI rushes to her window. He yells and points to a shop, MR. YI’s COFFEE HOUSE, now gutted by workers, with a sign: CLOSED BY THE SILVERWOOD PLAZA BUSINESS ASSOCIATION. Rebecca unrolls her window.

MR. YI
You and your stupid association! Every
coffee shop has wireless!

REBECCA
Rules are rules, Mr. Yi. And it states under
provision 38 that no pornography shall be sold
or viewed on the plaza premises. And about 83.5%
of all internet traffic is pornography. I’ll send you
the bill for the car wash, Mr. Yi.

Rebecca rolls her window up while Mr. Yi throws creamer. Rebecca hums an off-key Queen’s “We are the Champions“ and pulls into her assigned parking space.

INT. DENTIST OFFICE - LOBBY - DAY

Eating bon bons, GAIL (55) the fat receptionist, watches TV with several PATIENTS, equally involved in the program.

TV (V.O.)
Turn in next week to find out who’s a playboy p bunny and who’s a Roman Catholic nun on
NAUGHTY HABITS!

REBECCA (O.S.)
What are you doing?

Gail turns around, guilty, mid bon bon to see Rebecca, standing by the empty receptionist desk.

GAIL
I was just--

Rebecca picks up the receptionist phone.

REBECCA
Brrrinnng! Brrrinnng! Come and
answer the phone, Gail.

Gail gets up, puts her bon bons away and waddles to her desk.

REBECCA (CONT'D)
Brrrrinnnng! This is the office of Rebecca
Howles, soon to be OrthoAwesome’s dentist
of the year, if you are OrthoAwesome, please
call back when my receptionist’s programs are
over. Ta-ta.

Rebecca slams down the phone as Gail sits down. The phone rings. Gail picks it up.

GAIL
Howles and McIntire.
(to Rebecca)
It’s OrthoAwesome!, Mrs. Howles.

Rebecca grabs the phone.

REBECCA
Good morning! Of course. And when you
get here, you can park at Mr. Yi’s Coffee. Yes.
He won’t mind.

Rebecca hangs up, takes a bon bon that Gail is about to eat.

REBECCA (CONT'D)
Stay put.

INT. VIDEO SPAZ - DAY

Ed, dressed in a video Spaz collared shirt stands in front of a WOMAN, trying to rent a stack of DVDS.

ED
You have $80 dollars in late fees.

Woman puts on her sexiest pout.

WOMAN
Can’t you just waive the fees?

Ed snaps a picture with a polariod camera.

ED
No, but congratulations, you just joined the
late fee hall of fame.

Ed sticks her on the wall next to several polariods with “DO NOT RENT TO THESE PEOPLE!” above it. The woman scurries out. Ed looks at the clock. Packs up. He looks and finds GERTRUDE (60’s), a fellow employee, in the childrens’ section, mesmerized by a cartoon on TV.

ED (CONT'D)
Gertie. Gertie!

GERTRUDE
Ed... I was just... organizing...

ED
Time for me to go. I promised to clean the
house before I pick up the kids.

GERTRUDE
OrthoAwesome! magazine today?

ED
How do you know that?

GERTRUDE
Rebecca told me adjusting my dentures,
and the time before that at my cleaning.
And when she called you here and I picked up
the phone...

ED
Do you think-
(pause)
I should do something to celebrate?

GERTRUDE
(turning from the TV)
You haven’t yet?

INT. BEST BUY - DAY

Ed walks in, searching.

ED
Something for Becky...

He stops dead in front of an Xbox 360.

i think it's pretty good, it sounds like it's either a comedy or a prelude to a horror film....lol.