Thread: Pet Shop Sketch

The following I wrote in a state of "booy howdy I'm into British comedy right now." Think Fry&Laurie or Monty Python.
Just one question: is this, or does this have, the potential to be funny? (I guesss this is one for those who are familiar with & appreciate British comedy as such).

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haracters:
Owner
Customer
Customer 2

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[In the middle of the stage is a construction of several cages standing on cupboards or something, with rabbits in them. A man is standing behind/next to them from the audience's pov and looks at the rabbits ponderingly. We hear birds twittering in the background and we see shelves with animal food, dog lines, etc. Another man, the owner of the pet shop, approaches the possible customer.]

Owner: [cheerfully] Good afternoon, sir.

Customer: [absent, pensive] G'afternoon.

Owner: Can I be of service?

Customer: Hm... no, no thank you. I'm only looking around.

O: You seem to take particular interest in rabbits.

C: I do?

O: You have been standing here observing them for the past 2 hours, sir.

C: Oh yes, yes, ha-ha, has it been that long? Ah, where goes the time?

O: Yes, ha-ha. [to himself] I don't think it's time that's got anything wrong with it...

[A silence ensues as the customer pays no more attention to the owner, and the owner doubts what to do.]

O: Are you thinking of adopting one?

C: [startled from his staring trance] What? Adopting? Adopting what?

O: ... a rabbit?

C: Adopting a rabbit? Why, that must be the silliest thing I've ever heard!!! Or, wait, no... [thinks]... the third most silly thing I've ever heard. Ha-ha!

O: [visibly wonders what the hell the customer is in here for, to himself] O...K... [to customer] Buying one for someone else, then?

C: No, no... for me and some fellows of the club.

O: [to himself] Right...

C: Tell me, dear fellow, how old is that one? [points]

O: That one?

C: No, that one!

O: That one is ... 4 to 5 months, I think... yes. It's the last one of its nest still here.

C: OK, good, good... and do they get enough exercise?

O: Oh, plenty, sir. As you can see they hop around all day.

C: Okay, very good. Hm, yes... I think I'll have that one, then. It looks like a regular treat.

O: [confused/surprised/suspecting] A treat?

C: Yes, a treat. It is a female?

O: Yes...

C: Perfect! Yes, I'll have her. She'll be delicious!

O: Delicious? Sir, may I ask what you are planning ot do with your rabbit?

C: What do you think?

O: [slightly horrified] Are you going to eat it?

C: Well, yes, of course! What else would I want to do with it?

O: These rabbits are sold as pets, sir.

C: [honestly surprized] Pets? Why would anyone want to have a rabbit for a pet?

O: [is confused about the customer's surprise] Well, I imagine it has something to do with the fluffy appearance and cuddly stature, sir.

C: You're serious?

O: Yes, sir.

C: Then you are telling me that people actually come here to buy a rabbit, take it home, and keep it as a pet, to cuddle?

O: Why, yes, sir. That isn't so strange, is it?

C: Not so strange?! What's next, you're going to tell me people keep those birds over there as pets, as well? And cats? And dogs?

O: Why, yes, sir, that's very common now isn't it?

C: Very common? Are you mad?

O: No, sir, not at all.

C: Well, you must be if you sell these vicious, malignant - nay, evil - creatures as pets! I mean, look at them! Those monstrous claws, and those giganteous fangs! Men of past eras risked their lives hunting them for their meat, and you act as if they are... teddy bears. My god, it's a miracle you haven't been closed down, yet!

O: I don't know where you got the idea that bunnies are killers, sir, but I assure you they are completely harmless.

C: Well, this one will be once I've twisted it's little neck.

O: [shocked exlamation]. I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, these are sold as pets.

C: Yes, yes, I know that. Pets... now how does this cage open? [fondles cage]

O: No, I don't think you understand, sir.

C: What?

O: I cannot sell you a rabbit.

C: [looks up] What? Well, why not?!

O: Because you want to kill it.

C: So?

O: So... I cannot sell someone a rabbit if I know they intend to use it for sustenance.

C: Why not?

O: Because! They are meant for keeping as pets.

C: No, they are not!

O: Yes, they are! These are - this is a pet shop!

C: A pet shop? [looks around confused] What a silly idea!
[thinks for a second]. Alright, sir, I think we have a misunderstanding here. Ha-ha. I would like to purchase this rabbit to have it as a pet, and cuddle it, and... walk it.

O: [utterly confused] You're not going to eat it?

C: No [waves] of course not. I was only joking! Ha-ha. [the laugh is obviously fake].

O: [doesn't really trust it] Al...right then, I suppose...
[the owner moves to open the cage]

C: Can you tell me where around here I can get some good marmelade?

O: Marmelade?

C: Yes, for with the rabbit. I mean for the rabbit. For the rabbit... ha-ha, of course.

O: Sir, I'm sorry. You cannot buy a rabbit in this shop.

C: What, arent't they for sale? Why didn't you say so, before? My goodness!

O: No, sir, they are for sale. But I will not sell you one.

C: Why not?

O: Because you're going to eat it!

C: Ah. Right. [sighs, thinks]. What if I pay you double?

O: What? No!

C: Triple?

O: No!!!

C: Oh, have a heart!

O: I do, sir - that is exactly the reason!

C: It is my constitutional right to buy a rabbit!

O: Sir, I must ask you to leave, now.

C: What?!

O: I must ask you to leave the shop, sir.

C: Okay... [suddenly the customer moves to open the cage and take out the rabbit himself. the owner tries to stop him and they struggle. The customer takes out a rabbit (stuffed) and the owner grabs onto it, as well.]

O: Let go of that rabbit, sir. You cannot buy it!
C: Let go before you kill it!

[they tear the bunny in half, each holding onto a piece. the owner stands in shock, the customer is triumphant]

O: It's dead...

C: Yes, so it seems.

O: I killed it...

C: Yes you did.

O: How horrible...

C: Shall I take it off your hands then?
[the customer takes the half of the bunny the owner is holding. then he looks around for a bag, finds one hanging, and puts the rabbit in it. then he pulls out his wallet and gets out paper money.]

C: Here you go.
[He puts it in the Owner's hand, who is still in shock & still holding out his hands as if still holding the bunny. The customer leaves.

The owner awakens from the shock somewhat].

O: How horrible... what a horrible man... horrible!

[He turns to leave the scene, but is halted by a new customer speaking to him]

C2: Sir, sir?

O: Yes?

C2: Do you sell deer?

WTF?!?!?!?!

NO!!!

I thought it was alright. Maybe because I could imagine John Cleese as the customer. I didn't like the beginning so much, mostly because of the 'You have been standing here observing them for the past 2 hours' line. It reminded me of the dead parrot sketch from Monty Python. I don't have much to offer in terms of critique, but yes, I think this could have the potential to be mildly funny. It's silly, and I guess that's what this sort of comedy is all about, isn't it? I'd write some more sketches, and I'm guessing you want to perform these yourself, judging from your post in the Lounge. It could be good fun if you had a whole bunch of them.

Heh. The rabbit has ceased to be.

Eh, the entire second half is how the guy can't comprehend that the animals are pets and not food. This gag could be done in four or fewer lines of dialog. I like British humor and I can't say I even smiled, sorry. Also there's some glaring spelling errors.

In addition, you need to avoid writing non-visual things like "visibly wonders what the hell the customer is in here for, to himself." How does someone visibly wonder what the hell the customer is in there for? Fix it, describe the expression on his face or his body language/posture, not that he just "visibly wonders."

Best of luck to you.

Thank you Kupo and Besh! Constructive criticism is very nice.

Kupo, sorry about the spelling mistakes; I'm not a native English speaker but still learning. You're right about the 'visibly wonders...'-thing; a 'looks confused' might be better.

Besh, thank you too. Haha, I was thinking of Hugh Laurie & Stephen Fry when I wrote it. And the 2-hour thing was actually something I wondered about myself in hindsight, so thanks.

In any case, it was my first sketch (see how good I am at making excuses ). So thank you for your time & comments!

it was ok till the rabbit being torn in half...that was just stupid! im an anima lover and not a huge fan of rabbits but dont promote "ripping body parts" humor...itys just not nice...otherwise its fine...in fact i quite enjoyed the first bit..

I actually found it pretty funny, I will admit that it didn't quite get funny till half-way through. and for some reason I wasn't to shocked by the rabbit ripped in half, but i did think it was a little much, I thought of them fighting over it and then drop it on the ground, and it just lies there. obvioulsy dropping in is not enough to kill it. lol sorry.

and what was with the shop owner waking up, was he just coming out of his shocked state or was he dreaming the whole thing?


i think most of the humor would come from the acting,which one can only imgine at this point in the proccess