Thread: DeadLand (NOT a zombie flick)

Disclaimer:

The following screenplay is copyrighted material of John Williams and Jake Evans. It contains strong language, adult situations, and drug references.

I'm new to this whole thing, so I -REALLY- need some feedback on if I'm doing my parenthetical's right, describing shots accurately, and pretty much just need reassure that I'm not a total fucking failure. Also, the first scene is actually the final scene. That whole played-out thing. This is unfinished, and only includes the first three or four scenes. Please be brutally honest.
__________________________________________________ ________________________


INT. DJ'S HOUSE - NIGHT (1 AM)

E.C.U. of EVAN as he's staring at something in his hands. A
dark fringe of shaggy hair shades his eyes and youthful
face, but does not cover them completely. He shifts his gaze
to DJ (off-screen)

EVAN
I'm nervous...

CUT TO: E.C.U. of DJ. He has long hair, past his shoulders,
and a beard, and resembles Jesus, hence the nickname Dope
Jesus. Stares back at EVAN intently

DJ
Don't be... You'll be fine... I
promise

EVAN
Have you ever done this before?

DJ
Think of who you're asking... I'm
fucking Dope Jesus, dude.
pan down to dj's hands to reveal him snapping pink pills out
of a bubble package.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS.

INT. DJ'S HOUSE - DAY (10 AM)

We HEAR traffic outside, and SEE DJ sitting in a chair in
his less-than-humble home, playing video games. There is a
large pile of marijuana on a table next to him, and a chair
across the room from him. There's a knock at the door.

EVAN
(off-screen)
Open up. It's Evan.

DJ opens the door and invites his friend in.

DJ
What's up dude?

EVAN
Absolutely nothing, unfortunately.

EVAN notices the pile of weed.

EVAN
Dude, could you put that stuff
away? You know how I feel about
that.

DJ
Don't be such a pussy, dude. Don't
act like you've never tried it.

EVAN
How long have you known me?

DJ
About... Four years..?

EVAN
Roughly. I'd figure that by now
you'd understand the fact that I
don't do drugs. I just smoke.

DJ
Fun fact, nicotine IS a drug, so...
Yeah, you do do drugs.

EVAN
Oh god, here we go... Dope Jesus is
about to school me in the evils of
nicotine.

DJ smiles at EVAN and begins rolling a joint. EVAN has a
seat on a chair opposite of DJ. He does not look at EVAN at
all while rolling the joint.
c.u. of dj's hands as he rolls the joint.

DJ
Nicotine, discovered in 1828, is
the primary addictive ingredient in
cigarettes, which are the most
highly traded item on the planet,
with over 900 billion being sold
each year. In addition to nicotine,
they contain arsenic, formaldehyde,
lead, hydrogen cyanide, nitrogen
oxide, carbon monoxide, ammonia and
43 other known carcinogens.
cut to evan

EVAN sighs and picks up DJ's controller and begins playing
the video game. DJ has finished rolling the joint, and sets
it on the table.

DJ
Dude, don't die. I haven't saved in
like... Fucking four levels.

EVAN
I won't, unless you light that
thing around me.

DJ
Don't be such a pussy, man. I let
you smoke around me all the time,
and you know how much I hate it.

EVAN
I've been meaning to ask you that.
How is it that you can chastize me
for smoking cigarettes, while you
pump your body full of every
intoxicant known to man kind?

DJ and EVAN's eyes are both fixated on the screen.

DJ
No, no... Go to the left... No,
like... Back towards town. You've
gotta buy some more potions.

EVAN
Quit dodging the question, man.

DJ
I'm not, I'm just making sure you
don't get me fucking killed. And
the answer is this: You know that
feeling when you haven't had a
cigarette in a REALLY long time,
and you finally smoke one, and a
rush of relief pours through your
body?

EVAN
Not that you would know anything
about that, but yes.

DJ
Trust me man, I know everything.
Either way, take that and multiply
by ten million, and that's what
taking REAL drugs feels like.
Always.

EVAN
Yeah, until you, y'know... DIE.

DJ
Cigarettes kill more people per
year than alcohol, prescription
drugs, caffeine, aspirin, cocaine,
and heroin COMBINED.

EVAN
Shut up, you know what I mean.
Cigarettes cause ailing health, and
a gradual decline. Drugs kill you
spontaneously from ODing.

DJ
Fair enough, but... At least you
die happy.

DJ and EVAN both groan as EVAN has apparently died in the
video game.

EVAN
Dude... I'm so sorry...

DJ
Fuck it. You win some you lose
some. Wanna go somewhere?

EVAN
Such as?

DJ
Grab some food? I'm starving.
Munchies and all that.

EVAN
Sure.

DJ and EVAN leave the room, and get in to EVAN's car.

INT. EVAN'S CAR - DAY

EVAN is smoking a cigarette and flipping through radio
stations while DJ is packing a bowl of marijuana.

EVAN
Dude. If we get pulled over...
Just... Ugh.

DJ
It's fine. I'm just packing it. Not
gonna smoke until we get wherever
we're going. Fun fact, did you know
that you get the munchies while
you're high because THC inhibits
the cannabinoid receptor CB1, which
is also responsible for signaling
leptin, which is an
appetite-suppressing hormone. When
CB1 is inhibited, leptin doesn't
get released.

EVAN
Dude... You should go on Drug
Jeopardy or something.

They pull in to the parking lot of a restaurant. DJ leans
down slightly and begins smoking the weed.

DJ
If only.

EVAN
Want me to wait out here, or go
ahead in?

DJ
(exhaling the smoke)
It's whatever, honestly.

EVAN
I guess I'll just hang out out
here.

EVAN gazes out of the windshield, seemingly thinking.

DJ
What's up..?

EVAN
Nothing... Just thinking about what
you said... The metaphor about
doing drugs.

DJ
(exhaling again)
Dude... Just try it

EVAN
Definitely not in public.

DJ
Come on, man. What's the worst that
could happen?

EVAN
I could crash on the way home,
killing us both...

DJ
Fair enough.
we follow evan and dj as they get out of the car and into
the restaurant, where they order their meals.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

EVAN and DJ are seen eating. DJ has noticeably more food
than EVAN.

DJ
(with his mouth full)
When we get back to the house,
you've gotta smoke with me, man.

EVAN
I don't know, dude. Why should I?

DJ
Well... I could go off into one of
my rants about why you're wrong
about why you THINK you shouldn't,
but instead, this... Why SHOULDN'T
you?

EVAN
Because I have a job, my parents
might find out, I could get
arrested... There's all kinds of
reasons

DJ hails the waiter for a refill

DJ
See, here's the thing. You've been
smoking cigarettes for how long
now?

EVAN
About two years.

DJ
Right, and the smell from
cigarettes bleeds into everything,
unlike the smell of weed. And your
parents STILL haven't found out.
You're a regular little ninja,
mother fucker.

EVAN
Touche, but, you're ignoring the
other two, which are a majority of
the reason.

DJ
Alright, the whole job situation. I
know your manager smokes pot. I
know this for a fact. I've seen him
at our dealers house I don't know
how many times. So if he ever says
you have to take a piss test, just
tell him that you won't take one
unless he does, which is perfectly
legal. And knowing that he smokes
acres of the shit, he'll back off.

EVAN
As for getting arrested?

DJ
I've been smoking for 12 years and
haven't been caught yet. You'd be
studying with the master.

EVAN stares off in introspection, and DJ stares at EVAN with
curious intensity.

DJ
Verdict?

EVAN
It's not a yes, but... We'll see

DJ throws his arms in the air in a mock triumphant cheer

DJ
YES! Who's the fucking man?! YOU
ARE, SON!

EVAN
(finishing his meal)
Yeah, right. Just hurry up. I'm
ready to leave.

DJ, anxious at the prospect of smoking with EVAN, hurriedly
finishes his meal. The pair leave.

Well fuck. The spacing got fucked up. Be assured though, that I have everything aligned and margined correctly, since I'm writing it with Celtx.

Nice job, John. It was a little dialogue-heavy, which I don't really mind but most people will. The only overall point I would make is that you should have your characters having this discussion while doing something of pertinence, otherwise it's just a pro-drug PSA. Also, I'd say Dope Jesus (a funny name, but you don't need to intro it in the action when he refers to himself by it) knows way too many scientific facts about marijuana and cigarettes, but I know at least 3 people in real life who are exactly the same. <grin>

From a technical standpoint, don't write in camera directions, like ECU, or editing directions like CUT TO. They're unnecessary, often frowned upon, and most importantly: they break the flow of the story. Not to mention, you can't see all the detail you described about the characters when you're in an ECU, you can only see their eyes and nose at most. You'd want an MCU, but since I already envisioned that from what you described, you don't need to use the actual camera direction.

Overall, nicely done. I was actually interested to read on, which is a very unusual thing for me. Just tighten it up, if at all possible, and give it a bit more of an evident plot and you'll be set!

This is gonna be a full-length thing. Right now I'm hovering around 30 or 35 pages. I could e-mail you a copy when it's done, if you'd be interested.

Also, the story goes something like this: Evan gets into a fight with his mom, which is nothing new, but this one is the straw the broke the camels back. So he goes and smokes with DJ, but decides that he needs something a little more potent, and goes on a drug-run across the whole city, and finally ends up ODing, and DJ goes to prison for being caught with oodles of drugs, where he's filled with a bunch of guilt about Evan's death, so he kills himself.

Originally Posted by johnthegrungekid

This is gonna be a full-length thing. Right now I'm hovering around 30 or 35 pages. I could e-mail you a copy when it's done, if you'd be interested.

Yeah, sure thing. I may not have time to read it, in which case I'll let you know, but feel free to send it over when it's done. It sounds interesting - though I wouldn't suggest putting the entire plot summary online!

Hello,

I'm pretty new to the whole scriptwriting thing, but I figured I'd throw my 2 cents in... I actually quite like the fact that DJ is a bit of a fact-gathering nut, it makes the dialogue quite stylised as opposed to realistic, minimalist dialogue. That said, I do agree with Heavy Thorn that there needs to be a little more action, maybe something to help contextualise their relationship- how long have they been friends, are they still school friends (it seems like DJ is older, just because of his experience?).

Looking at your plot outline, I think it's interesting that DJ goes from escaping life through drugs and ends up escaping it through death, but it would be nice to see him have a more fully developed character arch, like the one Evan seems to have. Do you see this story playing out in the course of a single evening or over more time? The duration would obviously affect this.

Finally, I know the push for Evan to smoke pot for the first time is his mother (isn't that always the case? joking...) but to go on a cross-town, all-out drug binge, it would be cool if the stakes were a bit higher... like if he lost a huge scholarship because of smoking pot that one time.

Anyway, hope some of this was even a little bit useful. It sounds like it could be a really good, gripping story. Best of luck

Originally Posted by Heavy Thorn

Nice job, John. It was a little dialogue-heavy, which I don't really mind but most people will. The only overall point I would make is that you should have your characters having this discussion while doing something of pertinence, otherwise it's just a pro-drug PSA.
From a technical standpoint, don't write in camera directions, like ECU, or editing directions like CUT TO.

I agree with the above.

The first scene after the credits, (incidently the director decides where the credits go but unlike the camera directions it's worth indicating where you think they should go), is about two friends who have different aproaches to life.

If they've known each other four years, they know of the nicotine/hash argument, so don't make it the raison d'etre of the whole scene. As Heavy Thorn and BabaYaga suggest, have them doing something else advancing the plot in some way and slip in the nicotine/hash biz in casual dialogue.

Dialogue like this is not on.

EVAN
I've been meaning to ask you that.
How is it that you can chastize me
for smoking cigarettes, while you
pump your body full of every
intoxicant known to man kind?

After four years, this has been a constant irritant and he's 'been meaning to ask'! It don't ring true.

In you scrapped scene 1 and started with scene 2, in the car going for munchies, what do you think the audience would miss from what you are trying to get across?

Scene 3 in the restaurant. This is repetetive of the first two scenes and could be amalgamated, (in a different format - a drive through perhaps). The purpose of the scene doesn't have to dominate the dialogue, the audience is more sophisticated than that.

John, sorry mate, scene 3 is about the lamest conversion scene I've ever read. It seems that after 4 years of bickering and persuasion, Evan is won over my the prospect of having pot... with munchies!

You have to find better motivation and if its in back-story it has to be shown before this scene.

DJ
If only.

EVAN
Want me to wait out here, or go
ahead in?

DJ
(exhaling the smoke)
It's whatever, honestly.

EVAN
I guess I'll just hang out out
here.

EVAN gazes out of the windshield, seemingly thinking.

DJ
What's up..?

It might be useful to know how dialogue like that above is received by an audience (well me anyway). I don't get Evan's attitude, he seems totally neutral there are six exchanges here which progress nothing.

Evan getting out and saying, "I'll see you inside." or " Phew! Leave a window open." or "That smells better than the stuff you used to smoke." or "And people complain to me about passive smoking." Anyone of those would demonstrate Evan's attitude. We'd know more about him in one line. You wait till you get to page 60 you'll be desperate for cuts and you'll be finding these kind of things yourself.

The good news is there is some good dialogue and the things that need attention can be fixed. And you've spent time on this, which is why people are willing to take time out to discuss it.

This is only my opinion. Good luck.

I have them doing a background activity of playing a video-game in DJ's room to sort of show that they're good enough friends that they're casual about everything, and that they share a sort of sarcastic humor between each other. The movie will take place over the course of a week, with each new drug being inspired by a terrible event that causes Evan the need to escape from reality, or in order to accomplish some other task (such as Evan smoking crack to prove he isn't a cop). Now that I've put all that into perspective, do the scenes achieve this feeling, or do I still need to rework them?

Hey John, I reread your excerpt (I see now they have been friends for 4 years, apologies!) and I'd like to know more about how these characters reach their respective sticky ends?

For instance, DJ seems like a dyed in the wool stoner, but from the event progression it sounds like he assists Evan on every step of his downward drug spiral. Which is unusual for someone who is so well educated about why pot is superior to all other substances- and for someone who's meant to be Evan's friend. Either DJ is a full on drug fiend who doesn't care about anyone, including his friend or himself, or he's a naive recreational drug user who wants to give his mate a good time- in which case surely even he would draw a line in the sand when Evan started on anything heavier than shrooms? Or does Evan get so entrenched in the drug culture that he ends up being the negative influence? It would be interesting to know how these guys and their friendship changes over the course of the story.

Also, you say each new drug is inspired by a terrible event, without asking you to post your whole synopsis, is it necessary that he keeps taking new drugs or is it just more drugs? I think, having worked with two different kinds of drugs users- functional and dysfunctional- you need to know the difference. In most cases the terrible events that dysfunctional drug users would experience are self inflicted and are most often the result of one type of drug in excess. People who switch substances indiscriminately, but are mostly able to meet their daily responsibilities (functional) can often go on like that for years because they don't have the same need to keep increasing their intake and dosage quite as compulsively. It seems to me that the pair would appear to be on separate sides of this spectrum with Evan being more dysfunctional and compulsive and DJ being more functional (esp. if he's been managed to go through life stoned for 4 years) and it would be great to see them reach a level of conflict between the two of them before the external circumstances get the better of both of them.

Anyway, it's more of a question than a crit, but as qwertyman says, you have a really intriguing idea for a story- one that makes people want to talk about it- and it's definitely going to be interesting seeing it develop

Finished up the first act, and changed the title to How To Spend Your Last Twenty Dollars, if anyone cares. I'll be posting a bit more of it in a few days probably

int. dj's house - Mid to late afternoon
There is a thick cloud of smoke in the room. EVAN is smoking a cigarette and playing the game as DJ packs a bong.
dj

So... This is on the seventh pack, and you still haven't smoked any...

evan
Dude, I'm just a little nervous. Give me a second.

dj
(slightly agitated)

I've given you like three hours!

evan

But still dude... Just... Just hold on.

dj

No. Hit this shit right now, or go home.

evan

Dude, really? You're being kind of a douche about this.

dj

Hit it, bro.

evan

No!
DJ begins waving the mouth of the bong in front of EVAN's face

dj

(sing songy)

You know you wanna...

evan

Get that out of here man

dj

You KNOW you wanna.

evan
(near shouting)

No dude! Stop it!

dj
(chanting)

Evan's gonna smoke! Evan's gonna smoke! Evan's gonna smoke!

evan

(angrily)

Fine! Give me that, but for the love of God, shut up!

dj
(triumphantly)

YES!

EVAN nervously puts his lips up to the mouth of thebong, and breathes deeply through his nose. He hesitates at lightingthe bowl while DJ stares on intently. EVAN brings the lighter nearerthe bowl, but at the last second his phone rings, breaking the dramaticsilence.

evan

Oh, it's my mom. I've gotta take this. I'll hit it here in a second.

dj

I feel like God is fucking with me...

evan

(opening his phone)

Don't be so melodramatic... Hey mom.
evan's mom

(over the phone)

Hey sweetie. I need you to come home and give me a ride.

EVAN

What? Where? Why?

CHRISTINE

Well, honey, I'm too drunk to drive, to be perfectly honest, and I feel like going to the video store to make a rental.

EVAN

(sighing)

I'll be right there...

EVAN

I've gotta go pick up my mom. She's bombed.

dj

Dude, it's only like 5 o'clock...

EVAN

Yeah... I know...

EVAN solemnly grabs his keys and leaves.

dj

Hey! What about this weed..?

EVAN stares at DJ.

EVAN

That's the least of my concerns right now.

ext. Evan's house - early evening

EVAN pulls up in front of a rather large, eleganthouse. A beautiful lady in her mid 30's steps out of the house with aglass of sherry in her hands. She's wearing jeans, and a t-shirt, whichseems to take EVAN by surprise.

CHRISTINE

(shouting across the lawn)

Ah! Evan, dear! I've been expecting you.

EVAN

I know, mother. Get in the car, I'm due back at DJ's for dinner.
CHRISTINE begins to walk across the lawn.

EVAN

Mom.

CHRISTINE

Hm?

EVAN

You can't bring that glass with you...

She finishes the glass in one big gulp, and sets it on the porch. EVAN sighs as she gets into the car.


int. evan's car - early evening

CHRISTINE

You know, I never cared much for that Daniel boy.

EVAN

It's DJ, mom. Not Daniel.

CHRISTINE

Regardless of his name, he's a failure. A strung-outjunkie living from needle to needle, trying to corrupt my Evan... Dear,what's that smell?
EVAN

I don't know. There must be a skunk around here somewhere...

CHRISTINE begins breathing deeply.

EVAN

You alright..?

Christine

I'll be quite fine dear. Just need a bit of fresh air.

She rolls the window down. The pair drive in silencefor a few moments, before CHRISTINE spontaneously vomits out thewindow. EVAN swerves in shock.

EVAN

(shocked, loudly)

What the fuck?!

CHRISTINE

Evan Michael Jacobs! How dare you swear in front of your mother.

EVAN

You just vomited all over the side of my car, and that's your concern?!

CHRISTINE

Calm down, dear. Do you have a towel or anything in here?

EVAN

Yeah... I've got some paper towels in the glove box.


EVAN winces. He already knows what's under thepaper towels. We HEAR a thunk as DJ's pipe falls out of the glovecompartment after his mother opens it.

CHRISTINE
Evan... Pull this car over.

EVAN

Mom

CHRISTINE

(interrupting)

Pull this fucking car over, now.

EVAN pulls the car into a parking lot.

CHRISTINE

Evan... Have you been smoking weed?

EVAN

Loads of it, mom.

CHRISTINE reaches across the console of the car and smacks him.

CHRISTINE

Don't you fucking lie to me, you little shit! Have you been smoking weed in my house?

EVAN

(voice breaking)

No, mom... But you know what? With all of the shityou put me through growing up, and even now, I'm really surprised thatI don't do drugs.
MCU of CHRISTINE. An almost frown is starting to come over her face.

EVAN
(cont'd)

Most people who have parents like you go out and pumpthemselves full of anything to feel better, and I'm really starting tounderstand that. You know... I just wish that you'd treat me like aperson. Or like I matter to you. Instead, you're like a babysitter. Youkeep me alive and do things for me because you have to, not because youactually give a damn. I have dreams about making loads of money, andthen one day, your house burns down or something, and you really needme, just so I can show you what it's like. So that you know howterrible of a feeling it is that your closest family really doesn'tgive a good a god damn about whether or not you're comfortable, orsafe. So you can know how I feel, for once.

CHRISTINE is now crying, but also visibly angry. She sets the pipe back in the glove compartment.

CHRISTINE
(teary)

Take me home...
The pair ride home in silence
int. evan's house - night
We see EVAN and CHRISTINE sitting at a table in the kitchen. There is a suitcase next to EVAN.

EVAN

I can stay with DJ for a while, probably.

CHRISTINE

I don't care where you are, as long as it's not in my house.

EVAN

Right... Well... Let me make a few phone calls, and gather up the rest of my stuff...

CHRISTINE

If you're here past eleven, I'm calling the police.

EVAN nods, and leaves the room. CHRISTINE pours herself a glass of whiskey.

INT. EVan's ROOM - NIGHT

EVAN is seen opening dresser drawers and stuffingclothes into a trash bag. After the bag is full, he sits on his bed,and dials a number on his phone.

EVAN

Hey, DJ.

dj

(over the phone)

What's up dude?

EVAN

I need some help, man.

dj
(over the phone)

With..?

EVAN

Remember earlier today, when you put your pipe in my glove compartment, and kind of... Forgot to take it out..?

dj

(over the phone)

Yeah...

EVAN

Well... My mom found it, and she kicked me out, man.

dj

Oh, fuck... Oh, fuck, dude... My bad.

EVAN

Make it up to me by saying it's alright if I stay with you for a while.

dj

(over the phone)

Are you kidding? Of course man.

EVAN

Alright. I'll be there in like 10 minutes.

EVAN snaps the phone shut, and heads to his car.

Very good.

Ha, I like the title of the thread (not a zombie flick), but DeadLand will leave you thinking of several zombie movies (Dawn Of The Dead, ZombieLand). Of course a preview of the movie will make it clear, no zombies, but I'm sure it's the first thing on people's minds before they see for themselves.

I noticed that a while ago, and decided to change the title to "How To Spend Your Last 20 Dollars"