Thread: A synopsis for a screenplay.

Hi there,

I'm working on a synopsis for a screenplay, please have a look and comment - it's supposed to be a comedy so try to see it from the bright side.

Kind regards

Pongy

---

SUNSET BEACH

BY PONGY

Synopsis URL: goo.gl/nnXu

BENNY

Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.

KENNY

Very interesting.

BENNY

I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.

KENNY

Dude, it’s always sunny in California.

The young men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.

BENNY

Yo, that’s just amazing.

SAM

Are you referring to the sunset?

KENNY

Benny, you’re such a dork.

SAM

Listen, Benny, we know you’ve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...

BENNY

Oh come on, don’t give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.

KENNY

Admit it, you’re sad. And you’re turning a bit gay.

BENNY

No way, that’s out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

Later that afternoon, in the bar.

SAM

Let’s have a glass of orange juice each.

BENNY

Nah, I want a Mai Tai.

KENNY

And I want some absolut vodka.

SAM

That’s preposterous. I’ve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

The morning after.

SAM

Ok boys, time to get up.

BENNY

But it’s 6 AM.

KENNY

Yeah, what’s that all about?

SAM

Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.

BENNY

You’ve gotta be kidding.

KENNY.

Yeah. It’s a joke. I ain’t getting up.

SAM

Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.

The cheerful trio go to work in an assembly factory.

KENNY

For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.

BENNY

Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.

SAM

Carry on now, we shall overcome.

KENNY

Remind me why we’re doing this.

SAM

It’s every responsible citizen’s duty to do his best for society.

KENNY

But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.

SAM

Oh no, there won’t be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.

KENNY

Aw, you’re making me cry.

Benny assembles a few tools.

BENNY

Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. I’m almost ok with it, though it’s a bit tedious.

During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.

SAM

I have to confess something guys.

BENNY

Oh, what now?

KENNY

This can’t be good.

SAM

I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.

KENNY

You’re such a dork.

BENNY

Careful Kenny. You know he’s a bit crazy.

SAM

God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.

KENNY

That’s it, I’m leaving.

SAM

You’re not. You know I know things about you that you don’t want the press to know.

KENNY

!(/¤&#%(#%

BENNY (Whispering)

He’s dangerous.

SAM

From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.

BENNY

Oh god.

SAM

Do not use the lord’s name in vain.

Hi, welcome to the forum.

I won't address any issues of format, if there are any, others know that better than I do. I'll just focus on the content.

Most of the humor seems to be depending on one liners that lack a punchline, more situational. Think of some ways to bring some less expected humor in. For example:

KENNY

For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.

BENNY

A lobotomy? Don't you have to have a brain to get one of those?

KENNY

Ha, ha.

SAM

Carry on now, we shall overcome.

KENNY

Remind me why we’re doing this.

SAM

It’s every responsible citizen’s duty to do his best for society.

KENNY

But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.

SAM

That's your best?

KENNY

It might be. Works for me.

SAM

Oh no, there won’t be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears...

BENNY

...To make your flip-flops for your leisurely beach strolls.

My sense of humor is often subtle and incomprehensible. I appreciate your feedback but I do not agree to the changes you suggest. For crying out loud, your avatar is a Simpson's figure, that's not my kind of humor at all.

That's fine. I don't expect you to use my suggestions, just to look at your work with new eyes towards the humor. Someone else may say they get your humor that would be great.

The Simpson's avatar is a carryover from when I joined the forum many years ago. I don't change it because I can recognize my own posts quicker. That and I'm too lazy.

Originality is great in writing and can work well in humorous dramatic work (just look at M.A.S.H., the movie, groundbreaking in its day. Very original movie). You just need it to reach your intended audience (which, granted, I may not be). In drama, more so than in other writing forms, subtlety is risky. As a role is performed, subtle humor may be missed, where in a book it can be reread.

Interesting point of views.

I guess the benefit of writing as a hobby is you don't have to care too much about whether the result is popular or not. I can only imagine what those professional screenwriters e.g. for TV shows have to go through on a monthly basis, sweating to perform, anxious to be funny... You know like the crew behind shows such as Two and a Half Men... That show is not really funny in my humble opinion and I believe it may be because those guys have to come up with gags, whereas real humor just sort of shows up where you least expect it.

Hey Pongy,

Are you merely writing as a hobby or are you hoping to submit this screenplay?

If it's the former then perhaps just get friends to read instead and act it out for fun etc. A play needs to be heard to know if it really works. But if this is merely a hobby that doesn't really matter.

If it's the latter and you're aiming somewhere with your screenplay then Vangoghsear has some valid points. A collection of witty/silly lines does not make a comedy. You still need strong characters, a story, development. The dialogue below (and some other parts) was very stiff and unnatural, not the kind of thing people really say. Listen to people talking to one another.

BENNY

Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.

KENNY

Very interesting.

BENNY

I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.

Loulou,

I'm writing as a hobby but I certainly wouldn't mind someone actually doing something with the synopsis, be that a YouTube video or whatever. I'd like to write for comics too.

In terms of dialogue I'd say you can never be quite sure how people converse since every conversation is essentially new. Please bear in mind that it's a comedy, stiff and unnatural dialogue may occasionally lead to increased tensions i.e. build up to the comic relief.

SUNSET BEACH

BY PONGY

Synopsis URL: goo.gl/nnXu

BENNY

Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.

KENNY

Very interesting.

BENNY

I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.

KENNY

Dude, it’s always sunny in California.

The young men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.

BENNY

Yo, that’s just amazing.

SAM

Are you referring to the sunset?

KENNY

Benny, you’re such a dork.

SAM

Listen, Benny, we know you’ve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...

BENNY

Oh come on, don’t give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.

KENNY

Admit it, you’re sad. And you’re turning a bit gay.

BENNY

No way, that’s out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

Later that afternoon, in the bar.

SAM

Let’s have a glass of orange juice each.

BENNY

Nah, I want a Mai Tai.

KENNY

And I want some absolut vodka.

SAM

That’s preposterous. I’ve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

The morning after.

SAM

Ok boys, time to get up.

BENNY

But it’s 6 AM.

KENNY

Yeah, what’s that all about?

SAM

Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.

BENNY

You’ve gotta be kidding.

KENNY.

Yeah. It’s a joke. I ain’t getting up.

SAM

Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.

The cheerful trio go to work in an assembly factory.

KENNY

For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.

BENNY

Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.

SAM

Carry on now, we shall overcome.

KENNY

Remind me why we’re doing this.

SAM

It’s every responsible citizen’s duty to do his best for society.

KENNY

But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.

SAM

Oh no, there won’t be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.

KENNY

Aw, you’re making me cry.

Benny assembles a few tools.

BENNY

Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. I’m almost ok with it, though it’s a bit tedious.

During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.

SAM

I have to confess something guys.

BENNY

Oh, what now?

KENNY

This can’t be good.

SAM

I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.

KENNY

You’re such a dork.

BENNY

Careful Kenny. You know he’s a bit crazy.

SAM

God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.

KENNY

That’s it, I’m leaving.

SAM

You’re not. You know I know things about you that you don’t want the press to know.

KENNY

!(/¤&#%(#%

BENNY (Whispering)

He’s dangerous.

SAM

From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.

BENNY

Oh god.

SAM

Do not use the lord’s name in vain.

The following day the three cabaleros assemble hundreds of tools in the factory where they are employed.

KENNY

Thanks god it’s Friday.

SAM

I’ve already made plans for us for the weekend.

KENNY

Spare us your plans old man. You’re deranged and you need to be locked up.

SAM

Be quiet, fool.

BENNY

Here we go again.

SAM

I’ve had enough of your insipid attitude. Be prepared to meet your maker.

Sam hurls his lunch box at Kenny, who ducks.

KENNY

What are you trying to do? Your little lunch box can’t save you now.

SAM

Aargh!

Benny dodges under a desk.

Synopsis – A short summery of a play, movie or book etc.
Might I suggest that you look at how the screenplay format should be written?

Sonofjoe,

Yeah, I know about the difference between synopses and screenplays, thank you very much, a bit smug I'd say.

Thing is, I want to write something more detailed than a synopsis but without all the extra details that you need to add to a screenplay. So consider this a syno-play or a screensis.

Hey Pongy,

I'm sure Sonofjoe was not being smug (and it's best to try not to let things get personal), some people truly come here like freshly hatched chickens in the writing world and wouldn't know what a synopsis was.

Now, as for this working as a synopsis, well it's not, because it isn't one, as you say. It's a bit of a diet screenplay. Which is fine but very hard to offer any meaningful critique on.
I can appreciate the jilted dialogue that you're going for, but I really think a lot of the humour is going to come through in the visuals. I think this would benefit from being really fleshed out as a proper screenplay.

I've been delving into the world of screenplays myself, and I often start simply with my dialogue. I'm surprised by how much fun I have going back and putting in the action.
I think you'll find this too and it will be a good outlet for your humour.

My screenwriting prof, who is a professional editor, is often harping on about making our characters sound like different people. I had a bit of trouble here distinguishing different voices between the three, though Sam's character seems a little more developed than the other two.

I've found working on my own stuff that having a decent synopsis and a working treatment are beyond helpful. Also, because screenplays are not only a creative document but a techincal document also, I recommend a program like CeltX to help you format it properly. Makes the process pretty simple and it's also kind of awesome seeing your words look like a proper working script.

I hope you get really into this and flesh it out some. Oh, and welcome to the forum

Also, Celtx is a free download.

Celtx - #1 Choice for Media Pre-Production

I let the synopsis definition slip by as well since you said you were writing for fun, but I agree that it is not what you have here. This is closer to a spec script, with minimal action described, and minimal scene descriptions.

Check out Celtx. Not bad at all for a free program.

Like a fox,
vangoghsear,

Right, I had a look at the screenplay format rules again and tried to at least add the action lines to begin with. Also I tried installing CeltX but it was quicker just to write the lines myself.

I haven't spent a lot of time on the script so far but every time someone's commented I've developed it a bit further.

From time to time especially a couple of years ago I would write regularly but in handwriting meaning I could never post the stuff on forums because transcribing was a bit of a drag.

Also, I've found that I need to have a proper day job to fully enjoy writing. I wrote so much crap as a student and when I was between jobs a couple of years ago.

Man it's cold here in Northern Scandinavia but that makes it easier to focus on writing. A couple of days ago the first snow fell.

Thanks for your feedback so far, much appreciated.

SUNSET BEACH

BY PONGY

Synopsis URL: goo.gl/nnXu

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT.

Two young men and a middle-aged man walk along the beach.

BENNY

Yo, I think I got a bit tanned today. It was so hot.

KENNY

Very interesting.

BENNY

I love sunshine, I wish it could be like this every day.

KENNY

Dude, it’s always sunny in California.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOTEL - NIGHT.

The young men ramble on toward the Californian seaside hotel where they are accommodated. Up above the seagulls utter their indistinguishable sounds while the sun sets in the horizon.

BENNY

Yo, that’s just amazing.

SAM

Are you referring to the sunset?

KENNY

Benny, you’re such a dork.

SAM

Listen, Benny, we know you’ve had a rough time of late, what with your girlfriend dumping you and all...

BENNY

Oh come on, don’t give me that sentimental bogus. There are many drops in the ocean.

KENNY

Admit it, you’re sad. And you’re turning a bit gay.

BENNY

No way, that’s out of line! I was a marine for chrissake.

INT. AT THE BAR - NIGHT.

Later that evening, at the bar.

SAM

Let’s have a glass of orange juice each.

BENNY

Nah, I want a Mai Tai.

KENNY

And I want some absolut vodka.

SAM

That’s preposterous. I’ve got the wallet and hence I shall decide. We will have orange juice, alcoholic beverages are bad for the health.

INT. INSIDE THE HOTEL ROOM - DAY.

The morning after.

SAM

Ok boys, time to get up.

BENNY

But it’s 6 AM.

KENNY

Yeah, what’s that all about?

SAM

Early bird boys. Early bird. We shall devote our lives to hard work.

BENNY

You’ve gotta be kidding.

KENNY.

Yeah. It’s a joke. I ain’t getting up.

SAM

Oh yes you will. Remember that I am your leader, chosen not democratically but by destiny.

EXT. ON THE WAY TO THE FACTORY - DAY.

The cheerful trio goes to work in an assembly factory.

INT. INSIDE THE FACTORY - DAY.

KENNY

For crying out loud, this is so dull I think I may have to get a brain surgery.

BENNY

Yeah. A lobotomy. You need it.

SAM

Carry on now, we shall overcome.

KENNY

Remind me why we’re doing this.

SAM

It’s every responsible citizen’s duty to do his best for society.

KENNY

But I would much rather lay around on the beach, sipping on a soda and watching the sunset.

SAM

Oh no, there won’t be any time for that. Life for an industrial worker is almost incomprehensibly hard. Think of the Chinese workers and how they work in their sweat and tears to produce the things you buy at Wal-Mart.

KENNY

Aw, you’re making me cry.

Benny assembles a few tools.

BENNY

Well I think Kenny dislikes this more than I do. I’m almost ok with it, though it’s a bit tedious.

INT. AT SUBWAY THE SANDWICH PLACE - DAY.

During break the guys have a sandwich at Subway.

SAM

I have to confess something guys.

BENNY

Oh, what now?

KENNY

This can’t be good.

SAM

I believe in Jesus Christ our almighty saviour.

KENNY

You’re such a dork.

BENNY

Careful Kenny. You know he’s a bit crazy.

SAM

God has spoken to me, sent an angel as a revelation.

KENNY

That’s it, I’m leaving.

SAM

You’re not. You know I know things about you that you don’t want the press to know.

KENNY

!(/¤&#%(#%

BENNY (WHISPERING)

He’s dangerous.

SAM

From now on we will work twice as hard to build heaven on earth. We shall overcome.

BENNY

Oh god.

SAM

Do not use the lord’s name in vain.

INT. AT THE FACTORY - DAY.

The following day the three cabaleros assemble hundreds of tools in the factory where they are employed.

KENNY

Thanks god it’s Friday.

SAM

I’ve already made plans for us for the weekend.

KENNY

Spare us your plans old man. You’re deranged and you need to be locked up.

SAM

Be quiet, fool.

BENNY

Here we go again.

SAM

I’ve had enough of your insipid attitude. Be prepared to meet your maker.

Sam hurls his lunch box at Kenny, who ducks.

KENNY

What are you trying to do? Your little lunch box can’t save you now.

SAM

Aargh!

Benny dodges under a desk.

BENNY (SHOUTING TO SAM)

Yo, peace brah!

BENNY (SHOUTING TO KENNY)

Please calm down, this will lead to major trouble.

Kenny charges towards Sam.

KENNY

I will teach you something.

Sam moves to the side, sticks out his leg and Kenny stumbles over it and into a pile of trash.

SAM

Now, now young lad. I hope that calms you down.

My apologies if I come over too smug, but I had no idea where your story started! Now you have added scene headings it has become a little clearer. I know the conversations your characters are having are swimming in your head, and you are trying to get them written down. If it’s a film for Youtube done by yourself, you are still going to need some structure to work by and for the actors to follow. Believe me it will make it easier for you if you add the action/settings/sound/music etc. as go along.

For me, I jot down the main dialogue or punch line for each scene then create the full scene. Writing a screenplay you need to be the audience as well as the characters. Also, try using Celtx IT IS worth getting your head around.

One nit pic on your first two scene headings, you say in your first scene. “Two young men and one middle-aged man” then, in the second scene you say “The three young men”