Thread: Heaven Knows

Heaven Knows (for want of a better title)
This is the first play I’ve written for radio (in fact my one and only play) and I wanted to play with the idea that our lives are mapped out for us by divine intervention until that is, you get someone who is totally incompetent at their job. I wanted to use a character everyone could identify with but struggled for a long time until Jade Goody died. For those of you that don’t know her, I don’t think it would be out of place to call her the archetypal dumb blond. Although it is complete, I am not totally happy with the final scene; it is only there for the time constraint.

Any feedback would be more than welcome.

Click > here < for the .pdf document. If you don’t have Adobe Reader, I am willing to upload in word format just let me know.

Edit 16 Aug: After taking advice I have posted the play below.

You will get a far better response if you post the actual thing here, many people are wary of clicking on an unknown site, others simply won't bother.

I've just read through the first couple of pages. I'll read the rest later. Olly is right about posting the play in the thread. It will get more responses and be easier to make comments.

As for the part I've read, the characterization is quite good. If the rest is as well defined, it will play very well on radio.

They're both right. Post it here.

Advice taken and understood the reasons why. Took a while to format though

HEAVEN KNOWS

SCENE 1 ARRIVAL:
INT: ECHOEY MARBLE HALLWAY LEADING TO THE PEARLY GATES IN HEAVEN
GRAMS ESTABLISHING AND BACKGROUND MUSIC; BARBER AGNUS DEI; CHORAL: UNDER THROUGHOUT SCENE 1.
FX: ECHOING SHUFFLING LIGHT FOOTSTEPS OF AN OLD WOMAN GETTING CLOSER.


ST PETER: Hello and welcome to Heaven. Name please.

ETHEL: (PUZZLED) This doesn’t look like the post office.

ST PETER: No, it doesn’t, does it. Can I take your name please?

ETHEL: My name? (SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) Why do you want my name?

ST PETER: I need your name for our records dear; everyone has to give me their name.

ETHEL: But I only want to buy some stamps and a birthday card for our Susan.

ST PETER: This isn’t the post office dear; you are at the gates of Heaven.

ETHEL: (SUPPRISED)I am!

ST PETER: Yes dear.

ETHEL: Oh... Oh dear me... I’m not at the post office then?

ST PETER: No dear, you’re not at the post office. You’re in Heaven.

ETHEL: Heaven, oh my goodness! So, does that mean I’m dead then?

ST PETER: Yes am afraid so. If you would just give me your name it will help things along.

ETHEL: Oh dear, Heaven you say. Oh my, well yes. (PAUSE) Well fancy that! (PAUSE) Oh! My name, yes, Mrs Ethel Weston.


FX: (UNDER) TAPPING OF KEYS ON A COMPUTER KEYBOARD


ST PETER: W-E-S-T-O-N. Ah here we are Ethel Weston aged sixty-four. Died, ten-fifteen at Kingston General. Does that sound right?

ETHEL: Oh well I don’t know I was going to the post office. I was getting some stamps and a birthday card for our Susan.

ST PETER: Well it would appear that you had a heart attack Ethel and died not long after.

ETHEL: (BEAT) Oh dear oh my.

ST PETER: (BEAT) Marvellous thing these computers. Speed things up no end I can tell you. You wouldn’t believe the size and amount of paperwork I had to go through to get just a small fragment of information from someone’s entire existence. And! Trying to read some of the writing on the pages you wouldn’t comprehend (PAUSE) Ah. Sorry Ethel, I’m afraid I'm rambling again, it’s just that I find this computer so helpful in my work. Okiedokie. Let’s just see what your appointed destiny is shall we.

ETHEL: I have an appointed destiny?

ST PETER:But of course Ethel. Everyone has an appointed destiny. Let me see now.


FX: (UNDER) TAPPING OF KEYS ON A COMPUTER KEYBOARD


ST PETER: Oh this looks good Ethel.


FX: (UNDER) BACKGROUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING. MANS INAUDIBLE VOICE GRUMBLING AND CURSING


ST PETER: you’ve been chosen to be a Guardian Angel. Well done.

ETHEL: Oooh! So Angels do really exist then.

IAN THOMAS: (OFF UNDER) What the bloody hells going on here, where the devil am I!

ST PETER: Oh yes Ethel but of course they do. I see that you are going to be a Guardian Angel for Michelle, you great grandchild.

ETHEL: My great grandchild Michael! I don’t have a great grandchild called Michelle.

IAN THOMAS: (ANNOYED) Excuse me, can someone tell me where the hell I am!

ST PETER: One moment sir, I’ll be with you shortly. (BEAT) Ah well Ethel your granddaughter Susan is 2 months pregnant with your great granddaughter Michelle and you’ve been chosen to be her Guardian Angel. Congratulations Ethel! Don’t look so worried everything is going to be fine.

ETHEL: 2 months pregnant! She’s never mentioned it to me that she’s pregnant! Oh my and I’m going to be her Guardian Angel Oh dearie dearie me I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know how to be a Guardian Angel?

ST PETER: Ethel dear,(PAUSE) you have plenty of time overcome your fears and anxieties and we have a great team here to show you how to become a wonderful Guardian Angel.(PAUSE) Don’t worry! If you would just like to go through the Pearly Gates and take the first door on your right, someone will take you through your inauguration.


FX: (UNDER) SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS FADE OFF


ST PETER: Hello and welcome to Heaven. Name please.

IAN THOMAS: (AGITATED) WHAT!

ST PETER: Name please?

IAN THOMAS: (AGITATED) What...Who the hell are you? (BEAT)Look where the bloody hell am I?

ST PETER: Begging your pardon SIR, but we don’t use language like that up here. It’s err, not good for our image. I know it may be a bit of a shock to find yourself here sir, but I’m a very busy Saint so if you could just give me your name please and I will be able to process you through on to the next level of your destiny.

IAN THOMAS: (AGITATED) Destiny! Destiny,what the hell are you going on about? Destiny! What bloody destiny! And where the hell am I?

ST PETER: Please Sir. I really must INSIST that you restrain your language. There are a lot of people up here who take considerable offence to the usage of that word, so If you wouldn’t mind!

IAN THOMAS: LOOK! Could you just tell me, if-its-not-too-much-trouble where in damn nation am I?

ST PETER: I already have Sir! Does the phrase hello and welcome to Heaven’ strike any chords?

IAN THOMAS: (BEAT) Jesus! I was just crossing the road to buy some... Sorry I thought you said Heaven for a minute there?

ST PETER: Then you heard me correctly then sir.

IAN THOMAS: WHAT! WHERE!

ST PETER: (HEAVY SIGH) H-E-A-V-E-N Heaven, you know? Elysian Fields, Paradise, The Beyond, Kingdome Come. Don’t you recognise any of this here? Like the Pearly Gates or maybe the choir of Angels singing you a welcoming hymn in the background. Didn’t you ever go to church or read the bible?

IAN THOMAS: (SHOCKED) HEAVEN!

ST PETER:Yes.

IAN THOMAS: (PAUSE) But you have to be dead to go to Heaven!

ST PETER: Ah the penny drops me thinks. Good. Now can I have your name please?

IAN THOMAS: I’m sorry I think there must be some kind of mistake here mate. I mean I’m not dead. Look at me! I’m alive and kicking.

ST PETER: (BEAT) Well I’m afraid you don’t look the picture of health to me Sir.

IAN THOMAS: What do you mean by that?

ST PETER: Well do you always go around in a hospital gown with a face looking like a margarita pizza, or were you going to a fancy dress party perhaps?

IAN THOMAS: What the hel..
ST PETER: (BEAT) Er-urm I won’t tell you again sir. Look, it’s quite obvious that when your demise came it came totally unexpectedly and it must be a terrible shock, but as I said I’m a very busy Saint. So if you would be so kind as to give me your name so I can process you on to our.

IAN THOMAS: (BEAT) What's happened to me?

ST PETER: You’ve died!

IAN THOMAS: Oh I’m dead am I, well how did I die then? (BEAT) OH shiiiiugar I’m supposed to be picking her up at twelve, Christ she’s going to kill me if I don’t turn up!

ST PETER: Well, perhaps you where late Sir. (PAUSE) If you would just give me your name I will endeavour to enlighten you on your sad and somewhat unexpected demise.

IAN THOMAS: NO! no no no this can’t be right I’ve died before my time, I must have. I’m not dead and all this is just a figment of my imagination, I’m asleep and this is all a dream, yeah that’s it that’s got to be it.


FX: (UNDER) FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING


BREEZE: (OFF: SIGNING: UNDER: GEORGE HARRISON’S MY SWEAT LORD) My sweet lord, hallelujah. Mmm my lord, hallelujah. My my my lord, hallelujah. Mmm my lord, hare krishna

ST PETER: Yes some might consider all this a figment of one’s imagination. That’s what they say about the scriptures, the Dead Sea scrolls and the Holy Grail to name but three of the myriad of Holy artefacts and myths. Still, you could be right, maybe you’re not dead and you are in the wrong place? Why don’t you turn around and go back down Sir. The stairs are right behind you.

BREEZE: (SLOW AND HIPPYISH) OH wow man this is it cool. Far out, peace brother

IAN THOMAS: RIGHT. I will. I’m off. (PAUSE) This place is giving me the creeps

ST PETER: (CHEERY) Bye. See you soon


FX: (UNDER) FOOSTEPS HEADING AWAY


ST PETER: (GROAN) Hello and welcome to Heaven. Name please

BREEZE: Hey man don’t you know me? I thought you knew everyone and everything man

ST PETER: Not me Sir that would be the boss I’m just the gate keeper. Name please.

BREEZE: Oh yeah right man. Breeze, man... Like the wind, soft and gentle

ST PETER: I will need your real name Sir, the one given to you when you were born

BREEZE: Hey man I was given this name when I was like re-born man; we had a really cool ceremony y’know, baptism of faith right.

ST PETER: That’s as maybe Sir but I still require the name you were given when you were born the first time round.

BREEZE: Hey maaan like I don’t know how many lives I’ve lived y’know. During my last regression session I was like an herb farmer in Tibet in the sixteen hundreds y’know. (PAUSE) I suggested that the group called me Thyme. (PAUSE) Like a play on words y’know but the group said it didn’t suit my psyche.

ST PETER: (EXASPERATED) Please, just give me the name you were given when you were born during this last life!

BREEZE: Oh wow man. OK keep your cool (PAUSE) Ronald Dickenson.


FX: (UNDER) TAPPING OF KEYS ON A KEYBORD


BREEZE: (OFF UNDER SINGING) I really want to see you lord, hallelujah. I really want to feel you lord, hare krishna

ST PETER: D-I-C-K-E-N-S-O-N(PAUSE) Mmm here we are Ronald Dickenson sixty-two of(HEAVY SIGH) Natures Child Commune Bolton Died ten-forty-five am substance abuse

BREEZE: Oh man, yeah right, that must have been some bad trip yeah.(PAUSE) Hey man! When do I get to see you know who, Do I get see the holy dude?

ST PETER: Not everyone gets that privilege Sir It’s not up to me. Like I said earlier I’m just the gate keeper. It all depends on how you fare in the judgement department.

IAN THOMAS: (DISTANCE OFF SHOUTING) This is ridiculous!

BREEZE: Judgement department whoa heavy man.

IAN THOMAS: (OFF GETTING CLOSER) Excuse me?

ST PETER: Don’t look so worried Sir I’m sure everything will be... Cool

IAN THOMAS: (OFF GETTING CLOSER) Excuse me?

ST PETER: If you would just go towards the gates and you will see a little door on your left marked (PATRONISING) Limbo of the Patriarchs. Enjoy your afterlife Sir.


FX: (UNDER) FOOTSTEPS LEADING AWAY


BREEZE: (OFF SINGING) My Sweet Lord. Ooooo My Lord...

IAN THOMAS: Excuse me?

ST PETER: Ah you’ve come back what a surprise, having some problems Sir?

IAN THOMAS: (EXASPERATED) Too damn right I am. I can’t seem to be able to go down the stairs!

ST PETER: (PATRONISING) Oh really sir

IAN THOMA: Yes! Every time I try to go down I keep getting forced backwards no matter how I try and I’ve tried every which way! It’s as though there’s some, some, some kind of invisible force field forcing, stopping me. What the hell’s going on!

ST PETER: Ah that will be our one-way system sir

IAN THOMAS: What!

ST PETER: We have a system up here Sir, you come up via the stairway to Heaven and you stay. Unless that is you’d like to take the lift, which only goes down (PAUSE) in to the basement, well the boiler room as we like to call it to be precise. You are quite welcome to try the lift if you wish Sir. You could keep Breeze company on the way down.

IAN THOMAS: I don’t believe this I just don’t believe it. Not one little bit, this is just not my day, I’m dead right. DEAD! Dead and at the Pearly Gates. Oh Jesus Christ...

ST PETER: (BEAT) Well I did try to tell you this earlier Si...

IAN THOMAS: (BEAT) (AGITATED) What the hell am I going to tell the misses she’s going to go up the wall AND I never took out that damn endowment oh my god what am I going to do?

ST PETER: Well Sir let’s start by calming down, after all you’ll have all eternity to repent ones culpability.

IAN THOMAS: (MUFFLED AS THOUGH HEAD IN HANDS) Oh my God oh my God!

ST PETER: I know it’s been a bit of a shock to find yourself here Sir, but it happens to you all at some point, believe me you will feel much happier once you have accepted the situation that you’ll never be returning to your loved ones down on Earth

IAN THOMAS: Oh thanks, that’s just what I needed to hear.


FX: (OFF)STRONG MARCHING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING


ST PETER: You welcome. Right! Shall we start from the beginning again? Name please.

IAN THOMAS: Are you always this helpful or only to the people you like?

ST PETER: Look Sir the sooner we complete the formalities the sooner you will be able to abandon any thoughts about your life on Earth and start to enjoy your stay here in eternity.


FX: FOOSTEPS COME TO A HALT IN A MIITARY WAY


IAN THOMAS: OK! OK! What every you say

ST PETER: Name.

IAN THOMAS: Thomas


FX: (UNDER) TAPPING OF KEYS ON A COMPUTER KEYBOARD


ST PETER: T-H-O-M-A-S (PAUSE) Ah! Would you give me your Christian names please Sir. We have five Thomas’s arriving today

COLONEL THOMAS: (BRISK HEAVY WELSH ACCENT) SIR. Colonel Ashford Bowen-Thomas Yorkshire Regiment, retired reporting for service Sir.


FX: STAMP OF ONE FOOT ON THE FLOOR


IAN THOMAS: Just a minute I was here first

COLENEL THOMAS: Sorry laddie. It’s just that when I heard old Saint Pete here saying he was expecting five Thomas’s and me being a Thomas like I thought I’d give him the eyes front that I was here like.

IAN THOMAS: Well I’m a Thomas and I was here before you so wait your turn OK!

ST PETER: I’m sorry about this Sir. He’s not finding it easy in accepting his predicament, if you would care to take a seat I will be with you in a moment. Christian name pleas Mr Thomas

IAN THOMAS: Ian

ST PETER: (SUPRISED) Ah! Oh dear Ian Thomas you say?

IAN THOMAS: Ian Thomas yes!

ST PETER: (NERVOUS) Oh err well ah (PAUSE) Mmmm (PAUSE) I’m sure everything is in order.

IAN THOMAS: EH what! What do you mean you’re sure everything is in order?

ST PETER: I’m sure it’s nothing for you to worry about Mr Thomas; it’s probably this infernal computer. (BEAT) Never have liked these confounded things. I knew something like this would happen one day. I told them I was happy with the ledgers, but NO they wouldn’t listen; we have to move with the times they said...

IAN THOMAS: (BEAT) Ok spill the beans what’s it done?

ST PETER: Done? Well it’s done nothing really.

IAN THOMAS: Nothing? What do you mean nothing?

ST PETER: Well (PAUSE) Oh my this is somewhat embarrassing to say the least and not at all the norm I can assure you Mr Thomas.(PAUSE) Err Well (PAUSE) the thing is Mr Thomas OH MY!(PAUSE) Well you don’t appear to be on the list.

IAN THOMAS: LIST! What list?

ST PETER: Erm the list of intakes. The list of souls expected here today.

IAN THOMAS: (AGITATED) Come again. I’m not on the list? You’re telling me I’m DEAD! Here in HEAVEN and I’m not on the list...

COLONEL THOMAS: (OFF BEAT) Ah well boyo, if you’re not on Pete’s list perhaps you should be down at ole Nick’s place like ain’t that right Pete? And if you should be down there like, I be going before you boyo. What do you say Pete?

IAN THOMAS: I can’t believe this is happing to me.

ST PETER: No you can’t please sit back down, and it’s Saint Peter if you don’t mind. Look Mr Thomas I’m sure this is just a slight glitch...

IAN THOMAS: A slight glitch! I’m standing at the gates of Heaven supposedly DEAD and I’m not on the list! A slight GLITCH!

ST PETER: Please Mr Thomas calm down your names here but no other details, I’m sure it’s just a computer erratum and someone has left your details off by mistake...

COLONEL THOMAS: (OFF BEAT) Maybe you’ve been deleted boyo, surplus to requirements like, some ones pressed your delete key man!

ST PETER: We don’t have a delete key here Colonel... Mr Thomas I’m going to see someone to try and get this error corrected, please take a seat I won’t be long....

IAN THOMAS: Calm down calm down why the hell should I calm down


FADE


SCENE 2 THE DECISION:
INT: ECLOSED QUIET ROOM

ST PETER: So that’s it in a nutshell. What are we going to do?

ST MAXIMUS: (STAMMERED) M m m most ir ir ir irregular, yes yes m m most irregular in in indeed.

ST SEBASTIAN: (BEAT) And you’ve gone through the ledgers you say?

ST PETER: Yes. His name is in the ledger but he has no due date no arrival time no cause of death

ST SEBASTIAN: Something has gone terribly wrong here

ST PETER:ST PETER: Obviously! But what are we going to do about it?

ST MAXIMUS: S s someone’s going to h h have to to to tell h h him. He needs to know about this it’s to to to ca ca cata cata it’s too big for us to handle.

ST PETER: Well for one I’m not telling him! It’s not part of my job description; I’m only the gate keeper.

ST SEBASTIAN: Ok Ok, let’s just take this a step at a time let’s not rush in to things here, let’s get all the facts first shall we, before we have to take this upstairs. Maximus go get Saint Martha in the mapping room and let’s find out who’s his cartographer


FX: CHAIR SCRAPES ON THE FLOOR THEN THE DOOR OPENS AND THEN CLOSES


ST SEBASTIAN: How on Earth could this of happened? We have procedures?

ST PETER: I blame the computers; we never had this problem when we just had the ledgers. It was simple then, if someone made an error and entered a souls name by mistake on the expected list they would just complete the return-to-sender box and the soul wouldn’t arrive. I know sometimes they would get half way, but never any further. And certainly wouldn’t enter arrivals.

ST SEBASTIAN: You can’t always blame the computers when something goes wrong Peter. Things go wrong with the ledgers as well you know that. Look what happened at the Wolfs Lair in 1944. I mean, running out of ink and then missing a page.


ST PETER: I didn’t know anything about that I was very busy then; and well you know it.


FX: DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES


ST SEBASTIAN: Ah Saint Martha come in come in take a seat please.

ST MARTHA: Thank you

ST SEBASTIAN: Did Maximus fill you in with the details about our unexpected visitor we have in arrivals

ST MARTHA: Sebastian, I can’t be held responsible for this, you know we are short staffed and the shear workload is increasing every day, we are doing our best to keep things up to date. (CONT) (SIGH) So much so we are down to working only one month’s in advance now and our mistake percentage is only running at..

ST SEBASTIAN: (BEAT) How did this happen? Who was responsible? How did this error get through the system? You know we’ve got to take this upstairs and tell Him. (PAUSE) And it looks like it’s going to be me that will have to do this so I want all the facts. All of them you understand!

ST MARTHA: It was a new girl. She had only just come out of training.

ST SEBASTIAN: What’s her name, go bring her here Maximus.

ST MAXIMUS: D d do yo yo you think that’s n n nes nes nessasary.

ST SEBASTIAN: (BEAT) Yes I want her here. Mather, what’s her name?

ST MATHER: Oh really Sebastian there is no need to take it this far...

ST SEBASTIAN: (BEAT) Perhaps you like to be the one who goes upstairs and tells our Lord and Master that we have an unexpected soul at the gate

ST MARTHA: (BEAT)(HORRIFIED) Sister Goody!


FX: UNDER: A CHAIR SCRAPES THE FLOOR THE DOOR OPENS AND THEN CLOSES


ST PETER: (HEAVY SIGH) OH no I think I remember her; she didn’t know what a cartographer was. She thought it was something to do with photographing carts. When I told her that it was mapping she said ‘Is heaven that big that you need an A-Z’

ST SEBASTIAN: Ok Mather let me get this straight. All the names of the expected souls are entered on to the computer, copied from the ledgers

ST MARTHA: Yes

ST SEBASTIAN: What specific details are entered from the ledger?

ST MARTHA: Names, obviously; date of death, arrival date, age, place, time, cause and finally destiny.

ST SEBASTIAN: And what happens if you enter a name in error?

ST MARTHA: A tick is placed in the error box marked entered in error.

ST SEBASTIAN: Why don’t you just delete the record or change the arrival date?

ST MARTHA: You can’t change anything once it has been entered and we don’t have a delete key. When you put the tick in the box the record is ghosted out.

ST SEBASTIAN: Who verifies the data once it’s entered?


ST MARTHA: Look (PAUSE) we are under a lot of pressure you have no idea...


FX: A GENTLE TAPPING ON TH E DOOR THE DOOR OPENS AND THEN CLOSES


ST MAXIMUS: S ssis Sssisster Goo goo goody Seba seba sebastian

ST SEBASTIAN: What did you do Sister Goody?

SISTER JADE : I’v dun nofin

ST SEBASTIAN: You put a person’s name on the expected list that shouldn’t have been on it! You entered his name and that’s all. WHY didn’t you enter a tick in the error box if he wasn’t expected on that day! TODAY!

ST PETER: (BEAT)You do know he’s here, at the gate! I’ve told him he’s dead and he’ll be spending the rest of eternity here. He’s not a happy bunny Jade. In fact he’s going through dire emotional surges the like I’ve never seen

SISTER JADE : It aint me I aint dun anyfin

ST SEBASTIAN: Does the name Ian Thomas ring any bells?

SISTER JADE : Thomaas... Thomaas... Thomaas oh yeah I remember ‘im. He woz on the ledger but isnt gona be brown bread fur ages but I put is name in the compuah by mistake. I wuz gona delete it but a couldn’t find a delete key then I remembered me trainin to put a tick in a box and that and then I couldn’t fine the key wiv a tick on it...

ST SEBASTIAN: Ok ok enough (HEAVY SIGH) take her back Maximus


FX: SCRAPING OF A CHAIR ON THE FLOOR A DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES

ST MARTHA: Will you be needing me anymore Sebastian?

ST SABASTIAN: Yes wait here. Peter, you had better get back to the gate while I talk to Martha. And then I’ll have to go see him upstairs and try and get this whole mess sorted out


FX: SCRAPING OF A CHAIR ON THE FLOOR A DOOR OPENS AND THEN CLOSES


ST MARTHA: Sebastian I haven’t got time to be sitting here...

ST SEBASTIAN: This mess has got to be placed at your door Martha; she’s your responsibility.

ST MARTHA: Sebastian you have no idea the pressure we’re under in the...


FADE TO ARRIVALS
GRAMS: FADE IN BACKGROUND MUSIC; BARBER AGNUS DEI; CHORAL; UNDER


ST PETER: AH Colonel Thomas sorry I’ve kept you waiting. Now what did you say your full name was?


FX: TAPPING OF A COMPUTER KEYBOAR FADDING OUT


ST PETER: (UNDER TO FADE) T-H-O-M-A-S


SCENE 3: THE HOSPITAL:
INT: PRIVATE ROOM WITH LIFE SUPORT MACHINES
FX: A GENTLE HUMMING NOISE WITH A HEART MONITER PINGING


MARIA THOMAS: Ian, Ian can you hear me Ian?

NURSE: Keep trying love it really does help

MARIA THOMAS: How long is he going to be like this?

NURSE: It’s hard to say, some patients are out of it for months with that kind of injury and some just a few hours.

MARIA THOMAS: Ian, Ian it’s me Maria your wife, can you hear me Ian

IAN THOMAS: (LIGHT GROANING AND SOFT COUGHS)

NURSE: He’s coming round. I’ll get the doctor


FX: THE SWISH OF A SWINGING DOOR AND FOOTSTEPS FADING AWAY


MARIA THOMAS: Ian, Ian love it’s me Maria you wife.

IAN THOMAS: (GROANS) Where am I?

MARIA THOMAS: Your in hospital love, you had an accident.

IAN THOMAS: (COMING ROUND) Hospital Hospital. Are you sure?

MARIA THOMAS: Yes love, Kingston General you had a nasty accident you walked in front of a bus.

IAN THOMAS: I’m not in Heaven?

MARIA THOMAS: No Silly

IAN THOMAS: But I was I was there! I saw Saint Peter and the Pearly Gates and heard the Choir of Angles singing and saw an obnoxious Welshman..


FX: THE SWISH OF A SWING DOOR WITH FOOTSTEPS ENTERING

DOCTOR: AH Mr Thomas back in the land of the living. Good Good. Now you’ve had a nasty knock and may experience a headache for a day or two but I’m happy to say you’ll have no lasting effects

MARIA THOMAS: He said he’s been to heaven doctor

DOCTOR Nothing to worry about their Mrs Thomas; it’s probably the anaesthetics’ playing tricks on his mind making him hallucinate

IAN THOMAS: (OFF) But I was there I tell you. I saw St Peter and the Pearly Gates the Choir of Angles (PAUSE) you’ve got to believe me?

DOCTOR: I’ll give you some tablets to take home with you when he leaves Mrs Thomas

MARIA THOMAS: Oh thank you doctor thank you for all you’ve done

IAN THOMAS: You believe me don’t you love

MARIA THOMAS: Yes of course I do, now you just rest and get better


FADE OUT

Brilliant I must say! Made me laugh. I'd love to see that on T.V