Thread: Feminocracy

My latest effort.

Feminocracy

© Pete Malicki 2010

Cast

Dave – the last man on Earth
Katrin – a young journalist
Eleanor – sexy and youthful
Amanda – another attractive, young woman
Carla – a ditsy blonde
Patricia – Dave’s secretary
Janice – the middle-aged leader of the women. Ill-tempered, butch and frumpy

Set

A lounge room, decorated with very feminine furnishings.

Play

Dave is sitting on his couch, spread-eagled drinking a beer. Eleanor enters, looks at him lustily, and makes her way over.

Eleanor: Hey honey, I’m home. I brought you your favourite dessert.

Dave: I don’t really have a favourite.

Eleanor: It’s me, honey. Me. Rawr!

Eleanor flops down next to Dave, pawing him on the arm. He sips a beer, self-satisfied.

Eleanor: You can lick that off my… nipple.

Dave raises his eyebrows, nodding approvingly.

Eleanor: Aren’t you going to tell me how sexy I am, baby?

Dave: I can’t see enough to decide which adjectives to use. Why don’t you show me more?

Eleanor smiles coyly, then rips her shirt open/off.

Eleanor: You like that?

Dave: Uh huh.

Amanda enters. She is wearing a nurse’s outfit.

Amanda: Honey buns, I’m home.

Dave: Oh, hey Amanda.

Amanda: How are you, gorgeous?

Dave: Getting better by the second.

Eleanor: Hey cutie. I didn’t know you were coming.

Amanda: Is there room for me, Eleanor?

Eleanor: Sure is.

Amanda: Great. But… I’m not alone. Can we make space for Carla too?

Eleanor: I can always make room for her.

Eleanor squeezes up against Dave and Eleanor joins them.

Eleanor: (CALLING) Carla! Hurry up!

Carla enters. Eleanor and Amanda wave her over and she joins them. Dave is quietly ecstatic.

Carla: Hi Dave. I was just waxing my bikini line.

Dave: Hi Carla.

Amanda: Should we make out with each other first, Dave, or do you want us to please you right now?

Dave: I’m going to let you make that decision.

Janice enters, dressed plainly and carrying a rolled-up newspaper. She walks flirtatiously over to the couch as the girls give each other passionate looks and exchange strokes.

Janice: You’ve been a bad boy, Dave. Do you want me to spank you?

Dave sees Janice and looks crestfallen. The girls on him – without losing their passion – drift apart.

Janice: I’m giving you a good thwacking whether you want it or not. Show me that tight little butt.

Dave: No, Janice. Can’t you come back in five minutes? I mean twenty minutes?

Janice: No I cannot. I get what I want when I want and I want to spank you now.

Janice starts hitting Dave on the face with the paper. The girls disperse and leave the stage. Dave lies back on the couch, not covering his face.

Janice: You like it when I hit you? Hmm? You like that, big boy? Want it a little harder? (JANICE’S VOICE BECOMES FIRMER AND LOSES ITS SULTRY TONE) Wake up, you lazy pig! Wake up. You’re the laziest slob on the planet. Wake UP!

Dave starts, covers his face and looks around.

Dave: Jesus, Janice. Lay off, will you?

Janice: It’s four in the afternoon and you’re sound asleep. God, the world really is better off without you lot.

Dave: Fair go. I was just having a power nap before… (TRAILS OFF)

Janice: Before what, Dave? Before your main snooze? You have a visitor. Smarten yourself up and make a good impression. Not many people get this privilege so do your best to look human. (EXITS STAGE; CALLING) He’s ready!

Dave grumbles quietly and sits up.

Dave: Fat cow ruins my life and my dreams.

Patricia enters, showing Katrin in.

Patricia: Katrin Summers, this is Dave Zwartenovsky, the last man on Earth.

Katrin: It’s such a pleasure to meet you, Dave.

Dave: (GETTING UP) Thank you, Patricia. (TO KATRIN) Please, take a seat.

Dave and Katrin sit down as Janice returns, texting. Patricia remains standing there.

Dave: Thank you, Patricia.

Patricia: It’s just, I was hoping you could quickly tell me how to save the finance records as PDFs. I can’t seem to get it to work.

Dave: (SIGHS) You open the spreadsheet, press print from the file menu and select the pdf printer.

Patricia: Thank you!

Patricia leaves. Dave smiles tiredly at Katrin, who writes notes during her interview.

Dave: So…

Katrin: Mr Zwartenovsky, it’s such a pleasure…

Dave: We already covered that. Remind me who you work for.

Katrin: Oh, sorry. I’m with Feminist Monthly. We’ve been trying to arrange this interview for months.

Dave: “Feminist Monthly”? Are feminists still necessary?

Katrin: Oh, well, you see, it’s just…

Dave: Just ask your questions.

Katrin: Oh, sorry. Okay, well, what’s it like being the last surviving male of the species?

Dave: What kind of a retarded question is that?

Carla enters.

Carla: Dave, sorry to interrupt. Amanda dropped an earring in the sink and we can’t get it out. Can you help?

Dave: No, I’m doing an interview. Unscrew the U-bend and empty it into a bucket.

Carla: We’ve tried, but we can’t get the pipes to budge.

Dave: (IMPATIENT) Use a shifting spanner.

Carla: A... shifting spanner?

Dave: Bloody hell. I’ll do it when this is over.

Carla: Sorry. Thank you.

Carla leaves. Katrin looks at her lap, uncomfortable.

Dave: Sorry, but what’s the point of asking me stupid questions like that? How do you think it feels? I’m surrounded by women every minute of every day and I’m not allowed to touch them. The Minister for Reproduction keeps me as a slave.

Janice: You can’t talk about me in interviews, Dave. Miss Summers, print that and I’ll have your uterus.

Katrin: I won’t.

Janice: You’d better not.

Dave: Oh, ignore that grouchy old dyke, Katrin. Do you have a sensible question for me?

Katrin: Um, okay. What was going through your mind when the Van Dusen Virus was at its peak?

Dave: That’s sensible, is it? Hmm, let me think. I was scared that the Van Dusen Virus would kill me. I was sad that every male in the world was dead or dying. I was confused when it didn’t seem to be affecting me, then I was angry at God for what He’d done. Won’t that make for unexpected reading?

Eleanor enters.

Eleanor: Dave, Patricia’s going to take me to the shops but the car’s doing that thing again. Can you get it started for us?

Dave: Why is my secretary taking you to the shops, Eleanor?

Eleanor: I’ve let her take an early lunch.

Dave: Fine. Pop the hood and make sure there’s enough coolant.

Eleanor: Coolant…

Dave: Jesus. I’ll do it when I’m done. Bugger off.

Eleanor leaves. Dave turns to Katrin.

Dave: Sorry about them. Why don’t you ask me why I’m young, single, the only man on Earth, and haven’t had sex in seven months?

Janice: Nope. You can’t print anything about Dave’s sex life. It’s illegal under Section 23 of the Reproduction Act.

Katrin: With all due respect Minister, I’d be able to concentrate better if we had some privacy. You’ll get to see the story before it goes to print anyway.

Janice: Excuse me, missy?!

Dave: Janice, she’s harmless. Just give her a shot. She couldn’t damage the career of a popstar caught blowing a horse.

Janice: Fine.

Janice rolls her eyes and leaves the stage.

Dave: Sorry. That was the only way I’d ever get her to leave.

Katrin: That’s totally fine. Hey, listen to me. I’m not really…

Katrin is interrupted by Amanda and Carla entering.

Amanda: Dave, I need a man’s opinion. Does this necklace make my butt look fat?

Dave: What?!

Carla: It totally doesn’t, Mands. You look awesome.

Amanda: Thanks babe. But Dave, be honest with me. Is it okay?

Dave: You look fine, Amanda.

Amanda: Really? Not that I’m hinting at anything, but I dropped my earrings in the sink and I can’t get them out, so I had to pick out totally new jewellery.

Dave: If only contemporary women had studied plumbing. Do you two mind? I’m being interviewed.

Patricia and Eleanor enter the stage.

Patricia: Apologies, Mr Zwartenovsky. I was wishing to take young Miss Eleanor to the shops during my lunch break…

Dave: But your car’s stuffed. I know, I’ll come and fix it in fifteen minutes.

Patricia: Actually, I realised I’ve left some groceries in the car. I need a strong man to help me carry them inside.

Dave: Can’t Janice do it?

Eleanor: Dave, don’t be horrible. Janice didn’t ask for those genes.

Dave: Can’t you needy idiots leave me alone for five minutes? I’m trying to do an interview.

Carla: That’s good, Dave. Show your emotions.

Amanda: Very metrosexual.

Dave: Shut up, you cows.

Patricia: I’ll have you know, Mr Zwartenovsky, that kind of sexist language offends me.

Eleanor: Me too.

Amanda: No, let him emote. We don’t want him bottling it all up.

Dave: Can you all just piss off so I can give this poor woman her interview?

Carla: We should stay. This is helping him free his soul from negativity.

Dave: You want to stay? Fine! Katrin, here’s your story. My name is Dave Zwartenovsky and I’m the last surviving male of the species. A deadly virus travelled the world and killed any human with a Y chromosome. My friends and half my family were dead. I had no one to play Xbox or rugby with. But then I thought, ‘Hold on, three billion females and just me? Who’s going to ensure the survival of the species?’ All of a sudden I was as happy as a pig in shit! I’d have a million urinals all to myself, I’d be the only person in the world able to parallel park, and not only would I be the best looking man around, but my full time job would be fucking to save the species!
Of course, things didn’t go to the Zwartenovsky plan. Women took over politics and all of a sudden there was a government department for reproduction which made it illegal for me to get anyone pregnant. They wanted to use sperm from dead donors and monitor all childbirths to ensure there was no incest. I’m locked in a mansion with a bunch of hot, dim-witted women who tease me all day long but aren’t legally allowed to do anything with me. Have you ever heard of the McClintock Effect, Katrin? It’s where women’s periods sync up when they live together. Can you imagine living with an asexual harem having group PMS? I’m the last man alive and I have blue balls!

There is silence for a moment.

Amanda: That must feel so much better.

Carla: Offload it, Dave.

Dave: (SCREAMING) Out! All of you out! Let me finish this interview in peace, you horrid pack of rabid harpies. Leave me alone for half a damned minute!

The women look shocked. Dave scares them all offstage and returns to sit with Katrin.

Dave: Great. So, did that cover everything?

Katrin: Look, Dave, I’m not a journalist.

Dave: What?

Katrin: I conned my way in here. I’m from Christians For Natural Conception. We’re a radical organisation who opposes the government’s controlling legislation regarding you. We want to conceive naturally, Dave. We want you.

Dave: You want my… genetic material?

Katrin: No, Dave, we want it all. We want your genes and we want them the way God meant us to get them.

Dave: How many of you are there?

Katrin: Two hundred.

Dave: (JOYFUL) I think I’m going to be ill.

Katrin: We need to get you out of here. Our van is waiting down the street. I’m going to leave after the interview and I want you to follow in exactly five minutes. We’ll drive by and rescue you, Dave. We want to have your babies.

Dave: This is the happiest moment of my life.

Janice enters.

Janice: I knew it! There was something about you I didn’t trust from your very first application.

Katrin jumps on Dave and pulls a knife. The others begin to enter, one by one.

Katrin: Come near me and I cut his throat open, Minister.

Janice: We’ll make your life a living hell if you so much as scratch that boy.

Dave: Uh, Katrin?

Katrin: Shut up! Move out of the way or I’ll do it. I have nothing to lose.

Patricia sneaks around behind Katrin.

Janice: You have a lot to lose, sweetheart. You have two hundred sisters who will all rot in prison if he so much as steps out of this room. We know where each and every one of you lives.

Katrin: You can’t touch the others. They’re innocent.

Janice: Conspiracy to commit terrorism is a criminal offence.

Katrin: Just get out of my way bitch, or he dies. Do you want to gamble him?

Dave: You’d better let her past, Janice. I don’t want to die.

Patricia karate chops Katrin’s neck and she collapses to the ground. The girls rush over to hug Dave. Janice moves over to Katrin’s clipboard and starts writing on it.

Eleanor: Nice work, Patricia!

Carla: You saved him.

Amanda: She was going to hurt our Davey!

Dave starts sobbing. The women pat his back soothingly, as though he was traumatised from the attempted kidnapping. Patricia notices Janice.

Patricia: Janice, what are you doing?

Janice: Just ensuring nothing like this ever happens again.

Amanda: How?

Janice: I’m finishing Miss Summers’ article for her. Feminist Monthly needs a story.

Amanda: But how will that help Dave.

Janice: Because no one will ever try to steal his sperm again when they find out he contracted AIDS from a gay bathhouse.

Patricia: Aaw, that’s terrible. Let’s go knit him a quilt, girls!

Dave drops to his knees as all the women leave the stage. He screams at the top of his voice.

Dave: Why, God, why?

Lights snap off.

Throw me a towel, will you? There's coca-cola all over my screen. Joanna Russ would so hate you. So would Germaine Greer, if anyone could remember who the hell she was.
I want you should be on Oprah.

A nitpick, I know, but you don't knit a quilt.

Dave: Can’t you needy idiots leave me alone for five minutes?

Pretty much sums up the mood of the piece. It also, even though I am not a fan of feminism, lost my sympathy for Dave.

A knitpick?

We need to hash out the Afghan thing bee-fore we get to the quilting.

This is the first thing I've ever read in the Scripts and Plays forum, I thought it was hilarious. Very well written, a little mysogynistic but I'm guessing that was the point.

Thanks for your comments and nitpicks. Glad you (mostly) enjoyed. It certainly has a bunch of sexists jokes, but these are meant in good taste and one would hope the actors/directors would express this in such a way.

I suppose you could go both ways with Dave. As a male, you'd probably empathise and feel sorry for him. As a female, you might question his sense of entitlement and call the guy an a-hole.

Anyways
Pete