Thread: First Scriptwriting Attempt - Scene 1

I have recently moved away from short stories and started a script in the interests of learning.

Below is my first attempt at writing a scene. I use Celtx, the free scriptwriting tool for Mac.

Feedback on both the technical aspect of the script, as well as the story, would be greatly appreciated.

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1. ext. vacant lot - night

COLE stands waist deep in a muddy hole in a deserted, empty lot and leans against his shovel. He has been digging for the last two hours and is exhausted. Unshaven and dressed in an expensive suit, black leather shoes and a white shirt, he is sweaty and covered in muck. PAUL watches, standing back from the lip of the shallow grave, saying nothing as he drags on a cigarette.

COLE

Can I have one of those?

Dipping into his overcoat pocket with a gloved hand, Paul pulls out a crumpled pack and tosses it down. Tapping out a smoke, Cole places it between his lips and puts the packet into his jacket pocket.

COLE

Got a light?

Paul again reaches into the same coat pocket, finds the lighter and throws it into the opening. It lands in the mud and Cole picks it up, wiping it on his pant leg as he stands. Lighting the cigarette, he slowly exhales a plume of smoke.

Cole

You know, Martin Luther King once said, "No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they'd die for." Standing here, I wonder if it was worth it? If it made any difference at all?

Paul studies him, face stoic and expressionless. Taking a final draw of his cigarette, he flicks the butt to the ground and crushes it into the grass underfoot. Placing a hand inside his coat, he withdraws a pistol. He stares at the gun.

PAUL

You want to know if the good guys win?

Pulling out a silencer attachment from his other coat pocket, he screws it onto the pistol. Cole puffs on his cigarette.

COLE

That's what happens in the movies.

Paul levels the pistol and pulls the trigger, shooting Cole in the forehead. Cole tumbles back and lays limp in the dirt, lifeless.

Paul

This ain't the fuckin' movies.

Originally Posted by qwertyman

Hi R.J. I am probably not the best person to comment because my experience in this field is limited but, as no one else has posted, here is my two cents worth.

Hi qwertyman. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I don’t know how this appears on your MAC but the way it appears in the WF format is not the industry norm. Dialogue is centralised in a narrow column, ‘Scene descriptions’ are in Upper case, dialogue italics? etc.

Yes, my software does align the character's dialogue to the centre. I just did a quick copy and paste out of the program - should have thought about the alignment when posting.

Thank you for the link to SimplyScripts. I will check it out.

A draft script might include COLE’s age (40’s), and a description of his physical appearance and attitude for finding himself digging his grave,’ he attacks the earth with the spade’, is better than saying he is angry. Likewise with PAUL, suggest his attitude, ‘as PAUL watched he whistled the theme tune from the Flintstones’, is better than ‘seemed detached’.

Excellent points. I am wary of overdoing the 'purple prose' in the parts describing the actions or movements. Others I have asked have said to keep it as succinct as possible whilst still telling a story.

Consider that this line should demonstrate his attitude.

‘What am I supposed to do with this...eat it?’
Probably not what you are intending but something that makes the scene more memorable. It’s an opportunity, you’re giving him a line, use it...make it count.

I understand what you're saying. In this scene Cole is resigned to his fate, perhaps even silently accepting of it, hence why he doesn't get angry. There is an inferred back story in their dialogue, which I attempted to convey. Perhaps I need to re-work it (or expand the dialogue). I do take on-board that each line should count.

The other points of this scene are, Cole pockets the cigarette packet, leaving Paul without cigarettes and a lighter and on top of that he’s go to fill in the hole. Filling in the hole, we can imagine him doing but, unless the cigarette packet is a plot point, I suggest Paul asks Cole to chuck out the cigarettes, the lighter and the spade before he zaps him.

I see where you're coming from, and again, this probably points to the inferred back story.

Obviously, it's not clear from the writing that Paul isn't going to be filling in any holes, or retrieving his smokes. The cigarettes are really just a catalyst for the dialogue, and serve only to fill that role.

Once he zaps Cole, he will walk away and leave the open grave for someone to find. He wants Cole to be found like that, maybe as a warning or maybe as a message to someone or some group.

I will attempt to expand the dialogue further to remove the ambiguity. I need to figure out what I want the reader to take away from the scene.

As I say, my opinion is just that, others will be more helpful.

I appreciate your feedback and your assistance! Cheers.

I also use Celtx for my scriptwriting and it never formats it like that for me. Try just uploading it to a site and providing us the link. Overall not a bad piece, keep working at it; scriptwriting takes a lot of time and visualization. I'm also working on a piece if you want to check it out: House of leaves first screenplay.pdf - House, of, Leaves, Mark, Z, Danielewski, writing, screenplay, movies

Please delete this. I'm not attempting to spam the thread with my own piece, my computer has been messing up while uploading the reply.

Sorry about the re-post, my computer messed up. Fixed.

Originally Posted by Hawk

I also use Celtx for my scriptwriting and it never formats it like that for me. Try just uploading it to a site and providing us the link. Overall not a bad piece, keep working at it; scriptwriting takes a lot of time and visualization. I'm also working on a piece if you want to check it out: House of leaves first screenplay.pdf - House, of, Leaves, Mark, Z, Danielewski, writing, screenplay, movies

Thanks for your feedback, and for the link to your screenplay.

I have downloaded it and will have a read.

No problem, and again, sorry about the massive non-intentional spam on your thread.