Thread: untitled(mini script)

-Sounds of dogs Barking in the distance

-The sounds of an active Military presence

-Muffled voices from behind a door speak back and forth, while a canine makes noises of eagerness at the foot of the worn brown door.

::knock:: ::knock::

"Open the door." A solder calmly says with a steady and stern tone.

-inside the soft sounds of an infant can be heard

::knock:: ::knock::

"Open the Door.", says the same voice, a little less calm and a little more stern.

-The jerk of a chain can be heard, along with a bustle of preparation from outside the door.

::knock:: ::knock::

"Open!” an Irritated voice commands.

-the metallic clicking of guns

::Kick!!!::

-The Door flies open and 3 determined solders step in before the shards of wood from the splintered door settle and secure the dwelling. Two hold rifles and the third a pistol(need specific pistol) and a dog.

-A fourth solder enters

-His Brilliant silver gun still holstered on his right Hip.

Officer: Is this them?
Solder one: Yes, sir.
Officer: Very good.
Officer(to the inhabitants) : Right here? Beneath our very noses? Hidden here, among all those who seek. ( a soft tone of astonishment)

-A child can be heard in another room - startled by the commotion

-Weeping can be heard at the foot of the officer.

Officer: You knew we would hunt you down. You knew we would find you! Yet, you stay, with everything to lose. Tell me. Why, <female name needed>
Female: It's beyond the both of us, <officers first name> (struggling to calm her voice, as she speaks down to him)

-The two make eye contact

-Her lack of fear enrages him!

Officer: Take the wife! Kill the husband!

The two solders with rifles move towards the captives.

One solder butts the Husband in the face with his gun

The commotion excites the dog

The Husband is dragged in front of them all, on his knees, blood trickling down his face. He looks to his wife with a look of horror as his eyes begin to fill. She begins to tell him she loves him as he is executed before she can finish the word "love"

She screams in anger and pain. She is dragged out of the house with her head slung in defeat as her child cries.



"Sir, the baby?", he says as he looks inside the door.
"Feed the dog.", the officer coldly responds.
Female: NO!


The dog is released and growls as it is released and rushes into the house followed by his master.
-Growl, Barking, Horrific baby scream

::gun shot::


Officer: Like so many before you, you have failed, < woman’s name>
Woman: and like so many before you, < officer’s name>. You think you have succeeded. Yet, here I stand before you.

I'm not sure what to think of this. It's more like part of a scene in a story than a whole (mini)script. you should give it an ending, and take a little more time to even add the names. It really seems like an incomplete thought in it's current form. But it does have some awesome potential to go somewhere if you just take a few minutes to add some detail and story to it. Good luck, bro

it is part of something larger. That is the ending. it's to imply something larger. I'm still struggling with how to explain what it is I am doing. I know it looks incomplete but that piece of that story in that form is actually finished outside of minor detail points. I was more looking for how it is grammatically. thanks for the feed back, I really appreciate it!

If this is a movie script, there are serious formatting problems. I recommend you find some script writing software, such as Celtx. http://celtx.com/download.html and try it out.

If this is a play script, there are still serious formatting issues and some problems with making this a produce-able script. The Celtx program can be used for stage plays as well.

Content wise, you are over-directing in your stage directions or actions. Your placement of the parenthetical directions is wrong. For a play they should go after the character name and before the dialog.

Examples for a play (different for a movie, action is not placed in parenthesis for a movie script):

(Sound FX of military vehicles moving and dogs barking at a distance.)

SOLDIER 1 (O.V.) - (Calm at first, but growing increasingly irritated. Knocks on door.) Open the door. (Pause. Sound FX of baby crying.) Open the door! (Pause. Knocks again.) Open!

Or:

(SOLDIER 1 Knocks on Door. Sound FX of military vehicles moving and dogs barking.)

SOLDIER 1 (O.V.)

(Calmly.)

Open the Door.

(Sound FX of Baby crying. Knocks again.)

Open the Door!

(Knocks again.)

Open!

Keep your directions short and to the point. Only use them if the reader can't tell what is happening without them. Some director's first direction to the actors is to ignore any directions written into a script. In the examples above, I use the first one to save paper when the more conventional second format example isn't called for.

Hmm, Sumwun, it needs to be in Final Draft - that is the only format used in Hollywood. Download it from the web for free. It is extremely costly otherwise. Soldier not solder. How is husband executed - show it. Powerful story needs formatting. ie dialog -
MAN
(irritated)
Open!
INT. ROOM - UNKNOWN - scene heading I used unknown as that might be appropriate if false lighting is used otherwise put DAY or NIGHT nothing else matters such as dawn, afternoon except LATER to say well later. Just a few hints and tips, but get FD now.