Thread: The Perils of Dating

Hey everyone this is a short I wrote sort of as a distraction. Sorry in advance about the format. It didn't convert well when I copy and pasted it. I tried to fix it as much as I could.


FADE IN:


INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

It's quiet. Except for the couple eating in the corner, the place is empty.

AMY, 23 with her too loose red dress, and pale skin, looks damn near malnourished. Nothing about her is terribly remarkable, except for her eyes. Intense and penetrating, they are fixed on the man opposite her.


His eyes are down at his plate, oblivious to her gaze.

AMY

Are you shocked?

JONATHAN, 26, has the face of someone ten years younger. He's wearing a suit that could belong to a skinny, younger brother.

JONATHAN

Who me? No... Maybe a little

AMY

Jeez... I haven't even gotten to the best part yet.

JONATHAN
There's more?

A smile creeps onto Amy's face.

AMY
I can stop if you want.



JONATHAN
No, it's fine. I was just caught off guard is all. It's not everyday you hear stuff like this... Please, continue.

AMY
Well, the best one was this mortician I dated. It was a pretty boring few weeks. Then suddenly, one day, out of the blue he says:

FADE OUT:

BLACKSCREEN

RICHARD

Let's try something new.

AMY
What do you have in mind?



RICHARD
It's better if I show you.

FADE IN:


INT. AMY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)


BATHROOM
A bathtub full of ice water.

RICHARD, broad-shouldered and tall (40's), pours more ice into the tub.

RICHARD
Okay. It's ready.

AMY(O.S.)
Is this really what you want?



RICHARD
You're not scared are you?

Amy slinks into the bathroom wearing a robe.

AMY
No. I just want to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into.



RICHARD
I'm sure. Now get in the tub.

Amy lets the robe drop off her and she slowly steps into the tub. Her breath comes in gasps as she starts to settle in the ice cold water.

RICHARD
I'll be back when you're ready. I'm going to prepare the room.



AMY
How long do you think I have to stay?



RICHARD
(Whispers)
Shh... Corpses don't talk.

Richard leaves the bathroom.



BEDROOM

The room is dark except for a soft, blue light. There's a metal examination table. Richard throws a white sheet over it.


BATHROOM

Amy's shivering. Goosebumps start to rise on her arms.


BEDROOM

Richard puts on a white lab coat.


BATHROOM

Amy is shivering violently now. Her eyes are closed and she's clenching her fists, trying to control the shakes.

Richard walks in. He sits next to the tub.

RICHARD
Let's see how you're doing.

He grabs one of her arms; runs his hands up her arm and across her chest.

RICHARD (cont'd)
You feel cold enough.

Amy makes no attempt to respond. Her eyes are locked on something not in the room. Something far, far away.

Richard puts his hand to her face. He frowns.

RICHARD
Your face is still warm.

He takes a handful of the cold water and starts wiping her face with it. Amy still doesn't respond. Her shivering has stopped completely.

He kisses her cheek.

RICHARD
I think you're ready now.

BEDROOM

They're on the metal slab. Richard's on top, grunting; sweating; thrusting. Amy lies ramrod straight, not moving. Her eyes are fixed on the ceiling, filling up with tears.


INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (present day)


Jonathan's mouth is wide open.

JONATHAN
Oh my god.



AMY
Now I didn't tell you this merely for shock value.



JONATHAN
So why did you tell me?



AMY
For as long as I can remember, I've been somebody's sex toy. There, only to realize some sick sexual fantasy; somebody's wet dream. I'm looking for something more than that.

He reaches his hand across the table.

JONATHAN
I'm not here to take advantage of you.



AMY
I hope not. I take this very seriously. I like you.



JONATHAN
I have to use the bathroom. I'll be right back.

INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - NIGHT

Jonathan's at the sink talking on the phone. His reflection can be seen in the mirror.

JONATHAN
Dude, you should hear some of the things this chick is saying... It's just twisted... Yeah she's hot... Yeah, I'm pretty sure the sex will be wild...

Under the door, a shadow can be seen. Jonathan sees it in the mirror.

JONATHAN
I'm gonna call you back.

He closes his phone and walks to the door. He pulls it open quick... No one's there.


INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Back at the table, Amy is downing a drink. Jonathan walks up.

JONATHAN
What's up?



AMY
I'm ready to go.



JONATHAN
You sure? We didn't even get dessert yet.



AMY
Yeah... I'm ready to go.

INT. AMY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The front door opens. Light from the hallway temporarily floods the dark space. They walk in and the crackle of plastic sheeting can be heard.

JONATHAN
What is that?



AMY
Oh, I've been painting.

She flicks on the light. The entire floor is covered in plastic.

JONATHAN
I don't smell any paint.

He looks around the tiny apartment. He spots a brownish-red stain on the carpet in front of a closet.


BEDROOM

They're on the bed. Amy's on top, kissing Jonathan passionately. His lips, his neck, his chest.

AMY
I have a confession to make.



JONATHAN
More confessions?



AMY
You know what I told you about the mortician?



JONATHAN
Yeah.



AMY
Secretly, I've always wanted to try it again, but do things a little differently.



JONATHAN
You mean...



AMY
Yeah I want to be the one in control this time. Do you think you can handle that?



JONATHAN
I don't know... It sounds pretty dangerous.



AMY
Don't worry, I won't let you freeze to death.

BATHROOM

Jonathan is in the tub of ice water. He's already shivering.

AMY
Don't worry, it won't be too much longer. You just need to be cold enough.

Amy leaves the bathroom. Jonathan starts to shiver uncontrollably.


BEDROOM

Amy sits on her bed, staring at the bathroom door. The faint sound of dripping water can be heard over Jonathan's gasps and teeth chattering.


BATHROOM

Jonathan's hands grip the side of the tub.

JONATHAN
Don't you think it's time now?

BEDROOM

Amy stands up. She walks over to the closet.

She stands on the brown-red stain on the carpet. Liquid bubbles up around her foot.

She opens the closet door. She grabs for something.


BATHROOM

Amy opens the door and stands there, staring at the trembling man in the tub.

JONATHAN
Sh-shit... Didn't you hear me c-c-calling you?

She doesn't move.

AMY
For a dead person, you sure are making a lot of noise.

She moves into the bathroom, her hands behind her back.

JONATHAN
S-s-sorry, but I'm f-fuckin' f-f-freezing.

Amy sits next to the tub.

AMY
You know, you never said you liked me back.

Amy moves her left hand from behind her back. She rubs his cheek.

AMY (cont'd)
Not quite cold enough.

In a flash, Amy's right hand swings up from behind her back, revealing the blade of her large butcher knife.
Jonathan's eyes grow wide with terror but he's too slow to react. The knife slams into his chest.


The blade is pulled out, then buried in his chest once more.

Amy stares as the black handle moves up and down in unison with the heaving of his chest. She stares as he takes his last gasps of air and then finally stops moving.


BEDROOM

Amy opens the closet door. It's dark. Something is wrapped in plastic. She flicks on the light.


It's Richard. His gray, bloated corpse is wrapped in plastic. Amy reaches behind him and grabs some more plastic sheeting.


BATHROOM

Amy walks in with the plastic sheeting. The tub is now filled with red blood water. Jonathan's mouth is open; eyes still wide. His face now a mask of terror.

She lays the plastic on the floor. Straining, she pulls his body out of the tub onto the plastic. She rolls him up into his plastic cocoon.


BEDROOM

Amy drags the corpse into the closet, pushing Richard back. She looks at what used to be Jonathan.

AMY
Why do you guys always make it so hard on yourselves? Do you always have to be such pigs?

Her phone rings.

AMY
(to Jonathan)
Oh well.

She crosses the room to the phone.

AMY
Hello... Yeah the date just ended... No, he wasn't the one for me... Yeah he only wanted one thing. Like they all do... Tomorrow? How about the next day? Tomorrow I have some cleaning to do and I have to bring some things to the dump... OK, I'll see you then.

Amy walks over to her laptop. Opens it up. A page for a dating website loads.


INT. BRUCE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The apartment is dark. BRUCE, 30's, balding, thin, wearing nothing but boxers, sits in front of his computer looking at the same website that Amy is viewing.

Behind him on the wall are pictures of women in various S&M outfits and medieval looking contraptions.

Amy's picture pops up. He starts reading her profile.

BRUCE
Twenty-three... Looking for a decent man... Someone who's understanding... Ready for something serious... Open-minded...
(to himself)
I bet she likes pain.

INT. AMY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Amy stares at the numerous profiles as they scroll down her computer screen.

AMY
Hopefully one of you guys is decent.

FADE OUT.

Unless this script is a piece in its entirety (not to be performed or filmed) you seriously need to trim down your descriptions and stage directions. Much of what you included outside of the dialogue should be left to the director and cast. Of course specific action and shots that are absolutely necessary can be left in.

On more content-centered notes though, I knew exactly what was going to happen when I found out the floor was covered in plastic, so much of the tension and suspense was lost. Dialogue-wise, some of their choices of words didn't feel appropriate to the situation. Granted, writing true, engaging, appropriate dialogue that still does what you want it to do takes a lot of experience and practice.

On the whole, it wasn't bad. It's just usually easier to write negative critique than positive criticisms.

Thanks for the response ODaly.

The dialogue is something I'm finding at this point is a mixed bag. Sometimes it works and other times, not so much. I know this comes with time and practice.

As for the plastic on the floor, I debated with myself about its necessity and decided that, for better or worse, I'd keep it in. In hindsight, it probably does take away some of the tension. Oddly enough, I think it adds to the weird humor I was trying to get across.

Again, thanks for the response. I really do appreciate the feedback, be it positive or negative.

It's not so much the matter of removing the mention of the plastic on the floor, but that it confirmed a sneaking suspicion throughout the reading. I wanted to call "Spoiler" once Amy's demeanor changed so drastically after John's trip to the bathroom. Maybe it's just that he's a pretty dim bulb too focused on the intimate matters soon at hand.

Edit: Also, maybe a more subtle title would help. "Peril" lays the foreshadowing on pretty heavily.

Which is actually what I was trying to get across.

Jon meets his demise because he was much too interested in the possibility of sex that he didn't seem at all turned off by her stories and didn't catch her change in demeanor.

Then of course there's Bruce at the end who after reading all the tame info on Amy's page decides that she must be into pain.

I liked it. I was guessing when Jonathon spots the brownish, red spot on the carpet. But you either want tension or you don't, but without these little clues you'll have less. As Odaly says, a director can decide how blatant to make the clues. I think the important thing is the idea and how it's executed. I'm not struck with a man getting in a bath full of iced water and staying there. I think you need to have him do this under duress, like at gunpoint, or have him disabled in some way first. This would also tie in better with Bruce at the end I think. But of course you are then certainly losing any element of surprise you have left.

Not bad for a 'distraction' though.

Thanks for the feedback Spider. In the end, tension and suspense weren't my real goals with this piece. I was going more for a dark humor and I'm guessing I failed at getting that across. The title probably didn't help matters either.

I guess I might have to go back to work on this to better get the point across. I really do appreciate you guys taking the time to read and critique.

Perhaps when he spots the plastic on the floor, she can say "Making a few changes." Then his line, "I don't smell any paint."

Hi there, I realize the OP is pretty old at this point, but if you are still thinking about working some more on this story in future, I would heartily recommend that you try expanding it. As a short, it's nice enough, but when I got to the end, I really wished that this was just the beginning of a longer story. With all the stories about serial killers out there, the idea of this young girl killing unsuspecting guys in the search for true love... I think its pretty original, especially if you succeed in weaving some dark humor into it. Looking forward to reading more if you do decide to develop it further.

My main nit is that for the most part the character Jonathan seems a Gentleman and I take it you do the phone call in the bathroom to foist some misogynist element onto the character with the shadow to imply that Amy's listening but I think that's too subtle. I'm not sure if you should prefer to have Amy be misinterpreting Jonathan's actions or would it be better to just amp up his disrespect. I also wonder how she'd deal with some innocent male virgin who was more willing to just go along with everything she said because he doesn't know how to deal with women and does this make him too sympathetic despite a counterpoint to her insanity. Also, I feel we got there too quickly; I kind of wanted to see more of the date which in turn could help you better establish the misogynist behavior. Finally, the freezing made me think she was going to do something more than just kill them, like harvest their organs or maybe their sexual organs as a part of her craze. All that said it's cute and thanks for sharing!

Well, it certainly held my interest from the beginning. It was creepy. I thought your dialogue was natural. Not too much, but appropiate as to how people might speak to each other in such a situation. I feel Jonathon was going with the flow in hopes of a wild night (not protesting too much or questioning the actions) I did feel the "I don't smell any paint" line was a little out of his character, (almost disputing her statement) I may be wrong, but the decriptive actions didn't seem too out of line to me because so much of the scene was visual and actions oriented. I am not the best critique "er" but I did enjoy your short little clip. Nice work.

Good, dark and disturbing piece... in a good way. I like thefact that the stage directions are very clear and concise, however the sheer amount of these is slightly uneccessary. Although it is clear you have a vision of how you want the action to unfold, you should limit the amount of descriptive stage diresctions and do only what is essential. This will allow potential directors/producers to read the script and not feel restrained and confined by these descriptions. You need to allow for other creative interpretations on your work.

I like the message behind this piece and the main character, Amy, is a great combination of someone who you end up liking and empathising with, even though you know you really shouldn't.

This has got a lot of potential. It could easily be expanded on and be made into a feature length film. The dark humour and disturbing events make it a really intriguing read as youunderstand Amy's motives behind her actions.