ALTERNATIVE VERSIONS
1 INTERIOR - MODERN OFFICE – DAY
A middle-aged Jewish film director called BERCKOVITZ is talking to us. He wears an open neck shirt and bears a slight resemblance to Stephen Spielberg. (The resemblance to Spielberg must be just enough to make the point whilst avoiding any threat of litigation.)
BERCKOVITZ:
My name is David Berckovitz and I’m a film director. In August 2002 I left America to pay a visit to what had once been East Berlin. Whilst I was gathering material for a documentary about the Berlin wall, a truly amazing thing happened. It occurred during a guided tour of the headquarters of the former East German secret police…the Stasi. The guide took me to the central records department where the Stasi kept files on virtually every inhabitant of the GDR. Looking through some of the documents, I came across a file on a woman called Helena Bauchmann. The name rang a bell. Before the war my parents had lived in Berlin and I remember my mother telling me that her best friend at school had been called Helena Bauchmann. And, when I checked the file, it turned out to be the same woman. Coincidence...or fate? Who knows. I then discovered that Helena had worked as a typist at the German Ufa film studios in Berlin. In 1934 Helena was given the job of typing the script for Leni Riefenstahl’s infamous documentary Triumph of the Will. But Helena made two versions. One was for the original film as shown on the screen and the other was for a completely different one. One she called “The Kosher Cut.” You see, Helena was half Jewish and she detested the Nazis and all they stood for. Later, when I visited her grave, I pondered on the amazing coincidence that had brought us together. Suddenly I realized that this was no mere coincidence. The hand of fate had reached out and touched me. This was the film I had to make. So, without further ado, here is Helena Bauchmann’s masterpiece…”
3 DARK SCREEN
Screen is held for 30 seconds with musical score from the Can Can. Fade in to…
4 IMAGE OF NAZI EMBLEM
In this version of the Nazi emblem the eagle has been replaced by a rather scrawny chicken. Its pathetic little wings are spread and there’s just enough meat to make a sandwich. The image is held for 5 seconds.
5 INTERIOR - HITLER’S PERSONAL LAVATORY - DAY
This is no ordinary toilet. It’s a monumental construction the size of a football field. We see a gigantic crystal chandelier suspended from the centre of the domed roof. At one end as the camera pans round there are two massive concrete statues. One is of a naked man. A peasant, he holds a sickle and a sheaf of freshly cut wheat. The face and body build resembles someone suffering from Down’s Syndrome. The other is of a naked mother with a baby in her arms. She too is a Down’s sufferer. The style is Nazi neo-realism. These are the symbols of the Aryan Race. In the centre the white marble toilet and matching bidet are set on a marble plinth. Four gothic columns surround the plinth. On top we see a white marble cistern. A chain hangs down. We can just about see HITLER seated on the toilet taking a crap. His valet, LINGE, stands nearby bearing a silver tray with a toilet roll on it. We close in on HITLER’S face. As he strains to pass a stool, the veins stand out on his forehead which is bathed in sweat.
HITLER:
Gott im Himmel, Linge! This shithouse was designed by my favorite architect, Albert Speer. Here, on a toilet made of the finest Italian Carrara marble…a gift from my good friend Benito Mussolini…sits the political and military genius who will conquer the world. And can he take a crap? Can he fuck! And do you know why? Because he’s constipated.
LINGE
Those tablets Dr Morell gave you. Haven’t they worked, My Fuhrer?
HITLER
Morell? That fat fucker? I’ll have him shot.
6 INTERIOR – MARBLE PASSAGE - DAY
From behind, we see the corpulent DR MORELL as he waddles down the long marble passage in the new Chancellery. He’s clutching his ample backside.
MORELL
I don’t know about Hitler, but I don’t think I’ll have any trouble shitting.
We hear the sound of LOUD WET FARTS. Slow fade to…
7 TITLES
In childish lettering…
“TRIUMPH
OF THE
WILL
(THE KOSHER CUT!)”
Screen goes dark as titles continue:
“Documentary of the Reich Party Day 1934
Produced by Order of the Fuhrer
Created by Leni Riefenstahl
On September 5, 1934,
20 years after the outbreak of the World War...
16 years after the beginning of our suffering...
19 months after the German people voted this wanker in...
Adolf Hitler flew again to Nuremberg to harangue his faithful followers with two hours of unadulterated horseshit...”
Dissolves to…
(PART I: HITLER'S ARRIVAL IN NUREMBERG)
8 EXTERIOR - OPEN SKY - DAY
Mythic mountains of clouds as they build to a great crescendo. We hear WAGNERIAN MUSIC played out of tune. A DUCK flies past. Apart from the fact that it’s white, it bears an uncanny resemblance to Daffy Duck.
DUCK
You think I’m weird? Wait till you see this asshole!
9 INTERIOR - AIRPLANE COCKPIT - DAY
Clouds seen outside. The pilot, BAUER, is clearly drunk. He waves a bottle of BECKS BEER. Behind him the door to the passenger compartment is open. We see HITLER from behind as he drops his trousers and moons at us.
10 EXTERIOR – OPEN SKY - DAY
The clouds begin to disperse revealing the Junker-52. The aircraft flies erratically over the medieval city of Nuremberg which can be seen below.
11 EXTERIOR – OLD NUREMBERG HOUSE - DAY
A large pair of WOMEN’S BLOOMERS flies from the ancient building. A swastika has been sewn on the seat.
12 EXTERIOR – COBBLED STREET - DAY
From above we see hundreds of marching brown-shirted STORM TROOPERS. As the dark shadow of the aircraft passes over, they look up and blow a loud raspberry. This greeting is followed by a loud, raucous, music hall rendition of “Daisy, Daisy.” Cut to…
13 EXTERIOR – AIRPORT - DAY
A few “worshipers” have been gathered to greet HITLER'S arrival. Behind them we see armed SS men who prevent them from leaving. We pan to the aircraft pulling up onto the airfield. Two SS MEN rush to grab hold of it, but it’s going too fast for them. The plane weaves from side to side in a wide arc, causing the SPECTATORS to flee in terror. Quick cuts to...
A young HITLER YOUTH picking his nose. He tastes it.
A BLIND WOMAN, with mouth agape.
MOSES with one of the TABLETS under his arm. Cut to…
The aircraft door opens and NAZI DIGNITARIES descend. GOEBBELS, DIETRICH, SCHAUB and HITLER. All clearly suffering from the effects of alcohol. Once HITLER has emerged catcalls of “He’s pissed again!” “Send the cunt back to Austria!” are heard loudly over the soundtrack. HITLER responds by giving a majestic bow. He loses his balance and, giggling, topples over. Slapstick as GOEBBELS, also three sheets to the wind, tries to help him.
14 INTERIOR – TOILET CUBICLE - DAY
Hitler is seen in a private moment, kneeling in a toilet cubicle and vomiting. Cut to…
15 EXTERIOR – NUREMBERG STREET - DAY
We see the motorcade. HITLER is being driven through the city in his Mercedes. PEOPLE are going about their business and totally ignoring the motorcade. Scene changes quickly to the buildings. A Communist flag hangs from a balcony. On the balcony, a group of REDS urinate on the Fuhrer as he passes below. But HITLER is clearly ready for this. He gives them the finger and opens an umbrella. This is done to the beat on the soundtrack. The music is from Richard Wagner's “Der Ring Des Nibelungen,” but played deliberately off key to give a comic effect. The camera moves to show the expressions of a few civilians and NSDAP MEMBERS on HITLER’S route. They seem enthusiastic at the sight of HITLER in the motorcade. Close up we see SS MEN WITH BAYONETS kneeling behind the SPECTATORS. They use the bayonets to encourage the people to cheer. Cut to…
A YOUNG GIRL and her MOTHER are giving HITLER flowers. As HITLER bends to take them, a jet of water squirts out, hitting him in the face. Close up on HITLER’S angry expression. His face is wet. Cut to…
We see the motorcade continuing. As they pass under bridge, two GESTAPO MEN escort the MOTHER and the YOUNG GIRL to a waiting car. Cut to…
As HITLER looks up, we catch a glimpse of a MIDDLE-AGED WHORE in a dressing gown sitting in an upstairs window. She catches sight of HITLER in the motorcade. Baring her sagging breasts, she blows him a kiss. Cut to…
Long shot of motorcade rolling through the almost empty streets of Nuremberg. Fade to…
16 EXTERIOR – HOTEL - DAY
HITLER'S automobile pulls up outside the HOTEL DEUTSCHER HOF. Glimpse of NAZI EMBLEM hastily affixed over the entrance of the hotel. So hastily, it falls off. Camera moves to the black SS GUARD lined up in front of the hotel. Cut to…
17 EXTERIOR – SS GUARD - DAY
Close-up shots. The SS GUARD have NUDE MEN painted on the side of their HELMETS in erotic poses. The SS GUARD are clearly wearing shiny lipstick and eyeliner. Camera moves down to their BRASS BELT BUCKLES. These show the GERMAN CHICKEN superimposed on a GLANS PENIS. Cut to…
We see their jet-black jackboots all in a row as they do a BUSBY BERKLEY NUMBER. Pan back. The SS GUARD finish their routine by posing with one hand on hip. They raise a LIMP WRIST and POUT into the camera.
SS GUARD
(In Unison)
Hello Sailor!
18 EXTERIOR – HOTEL - DAY
Hitler leaves the automobile with his DEPUTIES, giving the Nazi salute as the BUSBY BERKLEY NUMBER comes to a finale. Cut to…
PEOPLE gathered outside the hotel are shouting:
PEOPLE
(In unison)
We want Marlene Dietrich! We want Marlene Dietrich!
The chants increase in volume.
19 EXTERIOR – HOTEL BALCONY - DAY
A semi-naked MARTIN BORMANN opens the BALCONY WINDOW. HITLER steps out, delivering Nazi salute to the crowds who fall silent. A lone shout of “Is that Marlene Dietrich?” is heard. Scene dissolves to…
(PART II: NIGHT RALLY AT HITLER'S HOTEL)
20 EXTERIOR – NUREMBERG - NIGHT
In the darkness, banners advertising LOWENBRAU BEER flutter to the tune of a Bavarian drinking song as images of FAT, RED FACED, SWEATING GERMANS IN LEDERHOSEN waving BEER MUGS float across the screen. Dissolve to TORCHLIGHT PARADE through a narrow cobbled street. Large shadows on the wall, (reminiscent of “The Third Man”).
21 EXTERIOR – HOTEL BALCONY - NIGHT
HITLER and his DEPUTIES emerge on the balcony. They’ve clearly been celebrating. Armed with FIRE EXTINGUISHERS, they use these on the torchlight parade below. Then, giggling like schoolgirls, HITLER and his entourage go back in to loud curses from O.C. Dissolve to…
(PART III: DAWN)
22 EXTERIOR – NUREMBERG - DAY
Dawn arrives to a view of Nuremberg's old church in foreground. We hear the sound of the Warner Bros Cartoon theme over soundtrack.
Village in Nuremberg with ancient rooftops, etc. A HAND opens a GABLED WINDOW and empties a PISSPOT onto the cobbled street below. Numerous COMMUNIST FLAGS are flying from most of the houses in the village. These are being replaced with NAZI FLAGS as though the occupants have just realized that a different political party are holding their shindig here. OLD NUREMBERG CHURCH TOWER. The bell chimes like that of a funeral. The scene is juxtaposed with a MONTAGE EFFECT…
23 MONTAGE - DAY
From overhead a TENT CITY OF WORKERS. Sound of trumpet blowing replaces audible sound of bell chimes. A shout, “Cut it out or I’ll ram that thing up your tight little asshole!”
A HITLER YOUTH with a trumpet stuck up his ass. He cries.
SA MEN rising from their tents,
COUGHING,
FARTING,
SCRATCHING THEIR CROTCHES.
Ritualistic scene of the HOMOEROTIC CAMARADERIE that demonstrates “Nazi togetherness.”
HJ BANDLEADER in tent tries to extract trumpet from the HITLER YOUTH’S ass. The scene fades to…
24 EXTERIOR – “CITY OF TENTS” - DAY
HITLER arrives flanked by DR. ROBERT LEY, leader of the German Labor Front (DAF) and a very thin NSDAP OFFICER who walks as though he’s suffering from chronic piles.
HITLER inspects a contingent of DAF WORKERS. He seems fascinated by one man’s crotch. CLOSE UP in which we see that the DAF WORKER is generously endowed. HITLER and LEY make obscene remarks about the man. HITLER asks the man a question (silent) and the DAF WORKER silently replies as he begins to undo his fly buttons. The music score over the soundtrack is from a popular ribald musical hall song.
HITLER returns to his car with the DAF WORKER. As they pass the other DAF WORKERS pout and give the limp wrist sign. Cut to…
We see HITLER in his car. He’s showing the DAF WORKER a large BOCKWURST. The DAF WORKER shakes his head and indicates that his is bigger. HITLER claps his hands with delight.
Medium shot of GOEBBLES in his automobile. He’s dropped his trousers and he squats to take a shit over the side.
GOEBBLES
Look! No constipation here, My Fuhrer!
Sound of a loud TROMBONE. Fade to…
(PART IV: OPENING OF THE VI REICH PARTY CONGRESS)
Sounds of FANFARES and DRUMS over soundtrack before the action fades in. The instruments are clearly off key. We fade in on an illuminated shot of the NAZI CHICKEN and SWASTIKA. Dissolve to…
25 EXTERIOR – LUITPOLDHALLE – NIGHT
Massed NSDAP PARTY STANDARDS in interior of LUITPOLDHALLE at night. SA MEN holding banners and standards, stand together in the hall.
26 EXTERIOR – SPEAKER’S PODIUM - NIGHT
Close on RUDOLF HESS as he approaches the speaker's podium. He’s dressed as a FRENCH MAID with short frilly skirt, black stockings and suspenders. He looks very fetching as he delivers the keynote opening joke:
HESS
Comrades! Why did the chicken cross the road...?
Various DIGNITARIES are seen. Members of the Wehrmacht: GENERAL VON BLOMBERG, GRAND ADMIRAL RAEDER, etc. They look puzzled and shrug.
HESS
Because the Gestapo ordered him to!
Profile of a GESTAPO MAN wearing his leather coat and hat. He’s laughing so hard the tears are streaming down his face.
We see some FOREIGN STATE REPRESENTATIVES. Prominent are those from Japan, Italy and Spain. They laugh and applaud politely.
Shot of WEHRMACHT GENERALS: VON BLOMBERG and RAEDER of the newly formed Reichskriegsmarine. They too laugh and applaud politely.
Shot of HITLER seated. Someone is explaining the joke to him. He laughs and slaps his knees.
Shot of HESS - he’s looking proud.
HESS
I thank you, My Fuhrer.
Dissolve to…
HITLER congratulates HESS as JULIUS STREICHER, Gauleiter of Upper Franconia stands in the background pulling funny faces. Dissolve to…
27 BLURRED TITLE SLOWLY COMING INTO FOCUS
TITLE
“Excerpts from the Nazi Book of Jokes. Von Wagner, Gauleiter of Bavaria and Chief Stand Up Comedian of the Third Reich speaks…”
Dissolves out of focus to…
28 EXTERIOR – SPEAKER’S PODIUM - NIGHT
VON WAGNER standing at the speaker's podium as he reads from the NAZI BOOK OF JOKES.
VON WAGNER
Two Bavarian peasants are talking. One of them says, “My dog has no nose.” The other one says “But how does he smell?” The first peasant replies “Don’t be stupid, Hans. He cannot smell because he has no nose!”
Polite applause is heard as the scene dissolves out of focus…
29 BLURRED TITLE SLOWLY COMING INTO FOCUS
TITLE
“Rosenberg.”
30 TITLE DISSOLVES OUT OF FOCUS TO…
“Alfred Rosenberg, Reich Leader of the Foreign Policy Office and Commissioner for Supervision of Ideological Asslicking of the NSDAP speaks…”
Dissolve to…
31 EXTERIOR – SPEAKER’S PODIUM - NIGHT
ROSENBERG standing at the speaker's podium he reads from the NAZI BOOK OF JOKES.
ROSENBERG
Herr Doctor! Herr Doctor! Have you got anything for wind? Yes, we have the tablets!
Polite applause as we dissolve out of focus to…
32 BLURRED TITLE SLOWLY COMING INTO FOCUS
TITLE
“Todt.”
33 TITLE DISSOLVES OUT OF FOCUS TO…
“Fritz Todt, Closet Homosexual and General Inspector for the Reich Autobahn system speaks…”
Dissolve to…
34 EXTERIOR – SPEAKER’S PODIUM – NIGHT
TODT standing at the speaker's podium is wearing rouge, eyeliner and lipstick. He ignores the NAZI BOOK OF JOKES.
TODT
I am an engineer – I do not know any jokes!
To be continued...
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Originally Posted by The Wrong Writer
