Thread: Excert from play I'm working on for uni

This is a scene from the play where one of the main characters (a pimp called Dave) is accusing a prostitute who works for him (shelly) of stealling from him.

Any feedback will be appreciated.

O/S – Swings in foreground. L/S darkened.

Dave and Shelly are arguing. Shelly is sat on a swing and Dave is stood at the back of her.

DAVE: How’s business been?

SHELLY: Alright?

DAVE: Alright?

SHELLY: What I’ve just said isn’t it?

DAVE: (Approaching Shelly closer from behind) Alright? Two hundred – is that what you call alright?

SHELLY: What do you want me to do? Go round every man on the estate asking them if they want a blow-job?

DAVE: Don’t fucking take the piss.

SHELLY: I’m not

DAVE: Two hundred pounds, in one night, and where’s the rest?

SHELLY: Are you saying I’m lying?

DAVE: No.... more like you’re stealing.

SHELLY: (Jumping from the swing) You what?

DAVE: (Grabs Shelly by the arm) Don’t fuck with me. Gary’s been round you like a fly round shit. His packages have been down too. Don’t think I’m fucking stupid.

SHELLY: What are you on about?

DAVE: (Hits Shelly round the face) Stop fucking trying to make out like this is nothing to do with you.

SHELLY: (Crying) Dave, what the fuck are you trying to say? I haven’t done owt wrong. Why are you being harsh with me? You said you loved me the other (night)

DAVE: (Yanking Shelly’s arm so she falls to the floor) Don’t start that shit with me. I say what I need to so I don’t get fucked over. How have you see twenty-five johns last night and I only see two-hundred pounds.

SHELLY: But I’ve had me B’s and me white from you babe.

DAVE: You lying fucking bitch! Right, upstairs now!

EXT to centre of stage (behind right curtain) stage goes dark.

SHELLY: (Crying) Dave, what the fuck are you trying to say? I haven’t done owt wrong. Why are you being harsh with me? You said you loved me the other (night)

This is the bit that doesn't ring true for me. The swear word in the first bit is aggressive, I reckon she would be trying to placate. The "Why are you being harsh with me ? " is a bit the same, "You said you loved me the other night, you were nice then" is less critical, more trying to return to her comfort zone, think submissive idiot, I know that must be hard, but that is the sort a pimp would pick up and pick on.

I have to agree with Olly Buckle, here. Those few bits of dialouge are a bit peculiar. I would drop the swear and 'why are you being harsh to me'.

I didn't know universities would allow a play that was this adult themed. This scene seems to be very put together though, save for what's been covered. I wish you luck in your writing and hope everything comes out well.

Many places will allow an adult themed play, but you do need to make it more relate able. It isn't that a university won't play it, but that people might find it too off-putting.

There's nothing wrong with shocking someone; in fact, it's the point of many plays. However, if you don't want that, then you should watch the language.

On the other side of things, if you use too much language, even with an intent to shock, the audience will get used to it and it will likely lose its effect.

Of course, since I don't actually have any experience with plays, I could be blowing smoke

Jinn, I never said there was anything wrong with it. I've just seen a huge movement towards making everything so politically correct that everything becomes watered down drivel. I like a good story that has shock value.

Amber, I just noticed that you used 'fuck' seven times in just this one scene. My theory with the word 'fuck' is less is more. If in the entire play you use it 15-20 times, it's tolerable. If you go overboard like 'Superbad' did, it starts getting annoying. Unless it is completely vital to the way the people speak, then I'd cut down on it. But if your play represents a cultural identity, then by all means let the 'fucks' fly. A good example of this would be 'The Departed'. I've been to Boston and have met people from Boston. 'Fuck' seems to be their favorite word, followed closely by 'wicked'.

I didn't mean to imply you had, Jake.

To me, you seem to confuse their relationship. Shelly comments about Dave saying he loves her, and by the way she says it, it's as if she loves him back, which is why it is strange when she defends herself so boldly against him in the opening lines. However, I dont know your characters and how the rest of the play turns out, so you can just ignore this comment. Overall though, it seems interesting to me, a little typical but definitly something that shows promise for the rest of your play's context.

Tom.

My assumption when I read it was that the relationship was a confused one anyway and that part of the point of the play would be exploring it. Most pimp whore relationships are between people who had pretty screwed up childhoods, on both sides. Rich material for a playwright. Of course I could be completely wrong.

Swings? Floor? Upstairs?

"Shelly is sat on a swing and Dave is stood at the back of her."


I'd suggest that before you start worrying about the storyline, you master grammar, and also have a think about a swing being inside a building.

What gives you the impression that the swing is inside?