Thread: What changes needs to be made to this script?

I need help with this. What changes needs to be made to this script?


INT. CABIN HOME—DAY



A tall slim black girl with long black hair, bright hazel eyes and a smooth brown oval face stands in front of a cabin door outside. She is TABITHA. Standing next to her is a short slim white man with black eyes and brown wavy hair. He has a big brown box in his hand. He is DANIEL. Tabitha pulls keys out of the pocket of her jeans and unlocks the door. Both her and Daniel walk inside the home.


INT. LIVING ROOM—DAY


Tabitha Walks around the living room and smiles. The wooden walls and floors are polished and shiny. There is a brick fireplace to the left of the room. A rose colored sofa sits in front of it. There is a diamond crystal lamp sitting on a table next to the sofa. Large windows are in the middle of the ceiling in the room and one large bay window in the left hand corner of the room.



DANIEL
Damn, talk about bull shit central.


Tabitha nods


TABITHA
Yeah, it looks better than my old place. The realtor did a good job with this one.


A tall slim white man stands behind Daniel. He has dark brown hair, bright green eyes, black pants on and a white shirt and long black overcoat. He is COREY.


COREY
Well then I’m pleased Tabitha that the house is to your liking.


Tabitha and Daniel turn around and look at him.


TABITHA
Um, excuse me—who are you? How did you get in here?


COREY
(Smiles)
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Corey Newton. I’ve been the caretaker here for years. I guess you can say I come with the house.


Daniel laughs


DANIEL
You’re a butler?


Daniel bursts into louder laughter. Corey rolls his eyes at him.


COREY
I am NOT a butler, I am a caretaker. I prefer that term much better.


TABITHA
(Sarcastically)
Wow isn’t that great. First I get dumped by a man now I buy a house that comes equipped with one. Wow God, you want to rub anymore bad luck my way?



DANIEL
(Snickers)
Please, you should be so lucky. I wish my house came with a caretaker. That would be the life.


TABITHA
ANYWAY, my name is—


COREY
(Interrupts)
I know your name Tabitha, I know who you are. I knew who you were when you first walked in.



DANIEL
Huh? Ok now it’s starting to seem like a scene from out of a Lost Boys film or something.

TABITHA
Yeah I know, I mean what do you mean you know who I am?


Corey smiles


COREY
I’ve researched and had a hand picking who would get this home. Therefore I know who you are already.


DANIEL
(Laughs)
Ok, creepy


Tabitha scoffs and lowers her head


COREY
Shall I take your boxes now?


TABITHA
(Scoffs)
Um, ye-yes, take all the boxes to the first room upstairs ok?


Corey nods while picking up the boxes


COREY
As you wish ma’am.


Tabitha scoffs again and shakes her head as Corey exits the room.


TABITHA
Was that weird or what? I mean can he even do that? Research me before hand?


Daniel shrugs


DANIEL
I’m a realtor and I can say it’s not uncommon; people want to make sure that their house is going in the right hands these days. Look uh, I got to go. I’ve got to be at work at seven tonight.
Daniel walks over and hugs Tabitha



DANIEL
Try not to worry about Billy ok? It’s his loss, not yours. You’ll forget the pain after while.


Tabitha nods


TABITHA
Yeah, I’ll forget the pain after paying for a wedding that he knew would never happen.


Daniel sighs loudly and Tabitha contrives a smile


TABITHA
Ok, ok I hear you. I’ll try to rest my mind—somehow.


She watches Daniel smile, wave and exit the house.

INT. DINING ROOM—NIGHT


Tabitha is sitting at the table across from Corey, eating. Corey is watching her endlessly.


TABITHA
(Between eating)
You know you’re free to fix yourself a plate too?


COREY
Oh no Tabitha, I can not eat anything. What may I ask brought you here?



Tabitha looks at him and then lowers her head.


TABITHA
I was—engaged until my fiancée broke it off two days before the wedding. I found out he had gotten another woman pregnant and wanted to start a new life with her. Six years we were together. I still don’t understand why it happened. It ripped me apart.


Tabitha’s eyes wells up with tears.


COREY
Pain is a very trying hardship of life but it’s greater and better meaning is almost always revealed in the end.


TABITHA
Wow, that was—pretty.


COREY
(Smiles briefly)
It’s what your spirit desired to hear.


Tabitha smiles at him and then looks away quickly.


TABITHA
So, um, you—you have friends? Family around here?


COREY
No, my ma and Pa and sister are away right now awaiting my return. My wife died years ago though. I never recovered from the pain of losing Persephone.


TABITHA
Persephone? Pretty name.


COREY
She promised she’d find a way back me somehow, some way. So I’m waiting for her. We’re all waiting for her to return.


TABITHA
(Looks confused)
I’m sorry—what?



COREY
I don’t think you could possibly understand this but, I can’t leave Virginia and return home until I find what I’m looking for.
TABITHA
What ARE you looking for?


COREY
It’s something I wish to keep a secret right now but the saying goes, all things reveal itself in time.



Tabitha looks at him and laughs


TABITHA
O—k, well I’m finished dinner.


Corey stands and we hear the sound of heavy rain and thunder outside.



COREY
Persephone always said when you hear thunder and rain outside, know that I’m near you.



Tabitha contrives a smile


TABITHA
That’s sweet Corey—really.


Corey nods


COREY
Yes well, I’m going to do the dishes now. Goodnight Tabitha.


Tabitha scoffs as Corey picks up her plate and walks out of the room.








CUT TO:


INT. OFFICE—DAY


Tabitha walks into a large office with a large bay window covering her entire back wall. There are two slim men in the room in black suites. One of the men is black with black hair, black eyes and smooth brown skin. He is BILLY.



TABITHA
Billy, what are you doing in my office?


MAN
Tabitha, sit down, we’ve got something to tell you.


Tabitha looks at the man and Billy and shakes her head.


TABITHA
(Smiles)
No, I—I don’t want to sit down. What Billy, you’re hear to apologize to me now?


BILLY
No, I’m here to tell you, you have until noon to clean out your office.



Tabitha looks at him confused.


TABITHA
What? What are you talking about?


MAN
Tabitha, I have decided to promote Billy up to my position since I’m retiring in two months from the law firm, and he compared your reports for the last couple of moths to his and he feels like you’re just not moving up with the company anymore. So, I’m sorry but he’s letting you go.



Tabitha looks at the man and Billy with her mouth wide open.



TABITHA
WHAT! I’ve been with this company for five years now and you’re firing me!


MAN
I’m sorry Tabitha, but we have to do what’s right for the company. Hey, but at least you get to file for unemployment.



Billy smiles


BILLY
Yeah, be happy, you still have that going for you darling.


Tabitha walks over to Billy and SLAPS him.


TABITHA
(Yells)
How dare you! How dare you do this to me! First you back out of our wedding and now you take my job from me!



Billy laughs and clears his throat


BILLY
Honey, that’s the way of the world. I’m sorry but you’re just outdated here. Better luck next time huh?


Tabitha’s eyes well up with tears.


TABITHA
You son of a bitch! How I ever fell for a cruel hearted bastard like you is beyond me! You take this job and shove it up your ass!


Tabitha storms out of the room


CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM—NIGHT


Tabitha walks into the living room of her home. She has an almost empty Vodka bottle in hand. She’s in severe tears. She forces herself to stop crying when she sees Corey walk from out of the kitchen. She quickly wipes her tears away.



COREY
(Smiles)
Good afternoon Tabitha, how was your day?


Tabitha contrives a smile


TABITHA
It was—well, just fine.



Corey looks at her and his smile slowly fades. He walks over to her and touches her shoulder.


COREY
What’s wrong?


TABITHA
N—nothing, I’m fine.


COREY
No you’re not. Your eyes aren’t’ the sparkling brown that they were this morning. I can tell something is wrong.


Tabitha scoffs and walks away.


TABITHA
What are you? A mind reader?

Tabitha sits on the sofa in the dark living room and in seconds breaks into tears. Corey sits beside her on the sofa. He puts his arm around her shoulder.


COREY
What’s wrong Tabitha? Why are you in tears?


TABITHA
(Between severe tears)

I lost my—my job today. My ex—fiancée took the position as my new boss today and fired me. I—I don’t know what I’m going to do. I—I was on that job for five years, five damn years. Do you know how hard it was for me to find a job like that? I—I just brought this house, what—what am I going to do?




Corey hugs Tabitha close


COREY
(Whispers)

I’m—I’m so sorry Tabitha.



TABITHA
(Between crying)
I don’t understand why—why does he hate me so much? Wasn’t it enough he dumped me, now he takes me job too? The only stability I had left. I—I mean why?


Tabitha lays her head on Corey’s shoulder and cries more.


COREY
Sometimes the lovers we once felt were ours were never really ours to begin with. In reality, they were our enemies, hidden and unseen.

Corey lifts up Tabitha’s head and wipes her tears from her cheek.


TABITHA
(Between tears)
What am I going to do now? I’ll never find a job as good as that one.


COREY
(Whispers)
Don’t worry Tabitha, there is often help sent to people at the time they need it the most. I AM that help, you’ll be just fine with me here with you.


Corey touches the side of her face and looks into her eyes. He leans forwards and kisses her passionately for several minutes. Afterwards, she opens her mouth to speak but he motions for her to be silent. We hear heavy rain and thunder coming from outside. We see lightning brighten the dark living room and illuminate their faces.


COREY
(Whispers)
There’s the rain and thunder again.



He scoffs and wraps his arms around her as they lie down on the sofa and they kiss again. The camera pans away slowly from them to the window where we see the rain pouring heavily outside from the night sky.

suggestions? Comments? Critique?

A tall slim black girl with long black hair, bright hazel eyes and a smooth brown oval face stands in front of a cabin door outside. She is TABITHA. Standing next to her is a short slim white man with black eyes and brown wavy hair. He has a big brown box in his hand. He is DANIEL. Tabitha pulls keys out of the pocket of her jeans and unlocks the door. Both her and Daniel walk inside the home.

Tip one: write in script style, not novel style. You learn this and it becomes second nature. All that description is wasted and the style should be more spare.


EXT. LOG CABIN -- DAY
TABITHA--black, mid-twenties--stands outside the door. DANIEL--white, early thirties--stands beside here, with a brown box in his hands.

She pulls out keys and unlocks the door. She and Daniel enter.

Tip two, "we hear" and "we see" are frowned on.

It starts to rain.


Tip three: Don't use progressive tense. Everything in third person present.

Not "is siting", but "sits"

One more, avoid parentethecal inserts. Don't use them to describe action. It's easier and more efficient to say.

She looks confused.

Then have her name and speech.

Similarly, instead of repeating "through tears" you can just say.

Tabitha speaks while crying.

Originally Posted by lin

Tip two, "we hear" and "we see" are frowned on.

That's good to know. Time to weed them out of my scripts.

Corey,

Lin pretty much nailed all the nits. One thing that bugged me was when Daniel tells Tabitha, "I'm a Realtor, so.." If they're friends, wouldn't she already know his profession? It seems redundant. Maybe there's a better way to convey this information to the audience.

Good call, Wintermure. Also, he calls her by name much more than people do in real life.

This is a "scriptism" that can be annoying. One I recently saw was in "The Faun's Labyrinth" (a third rate script in my opinion) where the woman sees a group of partisans coming out of the trees and yells, "My brother!"

There are lots of ways to fuzz the bald exposition. "If there's anything I learned selling real estate..."
"You want my personal opinion or my realtor's opinion?"
"If I wasn't a realtor I'd resent that."

All much used over the years.