Comedy Script - Please Critique - Writers Forum

Ethan IV · 06-07-2008, 05:36 AM

BARRY
Well if it isn't my favorite gal hanging out with my favorite guy. Unfortunately, Jack, I've pollinated that flower before you.

AMY
What's my name?

BARRY
Kerry?

AMY
No, that's the temp from down the hall.

BARRY
Oh. . .

JACK (Changing the Subject)
This lady on T.V. is talking about the company.

BARRY
That's Gilda Ferrari. Word on the street is she's crazy.

JACK
Well if there's one thing we don't want the company to be associated with it's crazy. . .When people think Herrington Global we want them to think-

BARRY
Sexy?

JACK
I was going to say professional.

BARRY
Sometimes the two are synonymous.

JACK
That is the kind of thing we don't want to associate with the company.

CUT TO:

Ext-Street-Day

Barry is walking down the street, whistling intently, when he spots someone walking past, and then suddenly recognizes her.

Barry

Elizabeth?

Elizabeth

Oh, Mr. Goldman-

BARRY
Call me Barry.

ELIZABETH
I rather not. Anyway, I was just on my way to class-

BARRY
Class?

ELIZABETH
I'm still a student. . .

BARRY
And you're writing an article about me?

ELIZABETH
I've got a bachelor's, just trying to get my masters.

BARRY
Why don't you get a master's in charm, and come with me to lunch?

Elizabeth takes a moment to think about his offer. Before she responds she hesitates.

ELIZABETH
With all due respect, Mr. Goldman, I spend most of my day with you, researching and writing about you. I don't know if I can take lunch with you.

BARRY
Well, if you reconsider, you know where I work.

They continue in opposite directions. Barry starts whistling as he walks
away.

CUT TO:

INT-OFFICE-DAY

Amy sits in the hall, crying. Jack sees her and approaches her.

Jack

What's wrong?

AMY

It's my dad-he's dead.

JACK

Oh, Amy. . .I'm so sorry.

Jack begins to console her.

JACK

I remember when my dad died. The moment when you first get the news, and your heart stops. . .Is there anything I can do for you?

AMY

No, I just think I'm going to take the rest of the day off work.

JACK

Okay. Just rest. I hope you come back next week.

AMY

I'm not sure, yet. . .I have to plan the funeral, my family is coming in- there's too much to do.

JACK

It's okay, just breathe.

Barry walks up and notices something is wrong. He looks at Amy.

Barry

What's wrong?

AMY

Nothing. . .I'm fine.

BARRY

No, really, what's wrong?

AMY

My dad died.

BARRY

Oh, I'm so sorry. I know what it's like- it's a hard time.

For a moment Amy is actually comforted by Barry.

Barry

I hope you know I'll always be here for you, and if it makes you feel better, you can call me daddy.

Amy stares at Barry for a second, then storms off. Jack looks at him.

Jack(Sarcastic)

That was real nice, Barry.

Jack storms off, and Barry is left standing alone.

Barry

Women.

CUT TO:

Int-Amy's Apartment-Day

Amy sits on her bed, crying. Jack tries to console her, but she withdraws.

Jack

Why I was twenty-two my dad died.

AMY

What did you do?

JACK

I tried to forget about him- I did forget about him.

AMY

Did it make you feel better?

JACK

No. Amy, I know what you're going through, as cliched as that sounds.

AMY

How do I get this- this feeling to go away?

JACK

You don't. It's hard knowing they're gone, but they can still live in you- if you forget him, though- if you let go- then he's really gone forever.

Amy thinks over Jack's words for a moment.

Amy

Jack?

JACK

Yeah?

AMY

Thanks.

JACK

Hey, what are bosses for?

Amy laughs.

Amy

You're definitely the first boss I've had who's come over to my apartment to console me.

JACK

Well you haven't had many good bosses.

They sit in silence, looking out the window. Jack looks at her, attempts to say something, but then stops himself and keeps looking forward.

CUT TO:

Int-Office-Day

Jack and Amy walk into the office, where Gary greets them, looking heavy with bad news.

Gary

Jack, have you ever read the Iliad?

JACK

Listen Gary, you're a good employee and all, but I can't take this philosophical crap every time I walk into the office.

GARY

(Saddened)

Yeah-yeah. . .sorry, I just wanted to tell you that Barry made a scene in court today.

JACK

What happened?

GARY

The pregnant woman he attacked-

JACK

Yeah?

GARY

He claimed the baby was his.

JACK

Oh my god. . .

GARY

Just thought you should know.

Gary walks away, oddly satisfied by ruining Jack's apparent good mood.

JACK

Okay, I'm sorry but I actually do have to get some work done today.

AMY

Hey-uh. . .Thanks.

JACK

No problem. . .

AMY

I'm going to go home-plan for the funeral.

They stand there for an awkward moment, Amy leaves, and then Jack opens his door, to find Barry and Elizabeth making out in the corner of his office. Barry sees him.

JACK

What are you doing? This is my office!

Barry slowly gets up and walks over to the door.

Barry

I know. . .but I assaulted a pregnant lady-I'm old and this is probably the last chance I may get!

Barry closes the door, and Jack is left in the hall. He looks around-a crowd of spectators has crowded around him. DAXSON is among them.

Daxson

Is that Mr-

JACK

Yes.

DAXSON

Hey, good for him.

JACK

Yeah. . .good for him.

FADE OUT:

END

Inkpot · 06-07-2008, 11:19 AM

Be careful with starting too much dialogue with "Well" and "Oh". Actors don't like it because it is directing their approach to the line.

Inkpot · 06-07-2008, 11:31 AM

I would also add that you should punch this up, especially in the first two scenes. There's a very light sense of comedy in the exchange but if you want to knock us over, punch it up! Reach for the off-the-beaten-path witty stuff. Your scenes are cut well – you make the point and get out, but the dialogue needs a few dashes of what we call “wit sauce”. Give of something we haven’t heard before.

06-07-2008, 03:07 PM

To make this readable you need to give us more than just dialogue. Coming to this cold, I know nothing of you characters: what they look like, what they are in relation to one another or why they are even talking to each other. Scripts are about so much more than dialogue.

Shyox · 06-07-2008, 03:11 PM

If I was Amy, I would have ripped his head off after the 'daddy' comment. And when JAck is consoling her, it's VERY overdone and cheesy. Barry is obviously who you're planning on being the comedian, the character who supplies most of the good and best jokes, but he needs mre quirk, something to set him apart from the others than just being a cliche horny guy. Where do these people work, as well? Is it the kind of job where a boss wouldn't be pissed his friend is making out in his office and causing a scene?

Wallmaker · 06-08-2008, 10:23 PM

They are floating in the nebulous of space and... by the "flower" reference at the beginning, I thought they might even be bees or other CG critters. I stopped reading right quick because I had no way to orient myself.

A good tip is to work the dialogue into the scene LAST. See how much you can get in, nuances, actioins, physical comedy, then let it be the icing on the cake. Right now it's a crutch and it's hurting you.

Cheers,
Kay