I had it all nice and pretty, but when I pasted it into the window everything got fudged. This play requires a lot of key timing and pauses in order to come off as funny. Most of the humor is actually character driven, and I'd be surprised if people thought the dialogue was funny.
Hurgurble
(Lights come up on two people. One (1) is in a squishy armchair, the other on a loveseat, and both are reading. There is a table in the middle of the room, and a door SR. The one on the loveseat (2) is tapping their foot.)
1: (Obviously annoyed by the tapping) *Grunt*
2: (Stops tapping and looks at 1) Something wrong?
1: Nothing.
2. (Goes back to reading, then soon after starts tapping foot again)
1: I'm sorry, could you please stop?
2. Stop what?
1. That tapping.
2. What tapping? The rain?
1. It's not even raining, I'm talking about your foot.
2. What about it?
1. You keep tapping it.
2. Oh yeah, I know.
1. Oh thank god, I thought this was going to evolve into some overdone idea.
(Both laugh, go back to reading. Tapping begins again)
1. (Quickly attacking) What are you doing!? (Small chuckle, as he regains calm) I thought you were going to stop.
2. (Laughing) Well you never asked
1. (Laughs) Oh, well will you stop?
2. No (Still smiling)
1. Well... Please?
2. I'm not even doing it right now.
1. But in a second, when we go back to reading, it'll start again, and I'll probably do something comical like tape it to the floor, and then you'll tap the other foot and I'll nail it to the floor, THEN, when I finally start to relax and read again, you'll probably keep on tapping, with your hands or something. I mean should we really be relying on such cheap laughs to move the show along? Aren't we just cheating the audience, and ourselves trying to hobble along on this clutch of cliche?
2. No.
1. No to what?
2. To everything, I don't agree. How are you so certain I'll keep tapping my foot when we go back to reading?
1. Just forget it, I don't feel like reading anymore anyways. (Takes out some ear plugs, then turns over and tries to sleep. The tapping begins again. Soon after, a knock is heard)
(2 stops and looks up, then tosses a pillow at 1. He hears the knocking and answers the door.)
3. Hello, just your neighbor from across the way. I've been hearing a good deal of tapping coming from over here, and my kids are trying to sleep. Now, I normally wouldn't make such a stink, (He comes in and sit down on the loveseat) but ya see, my kids have sandman syndrome. If they aren't asleep by 8 and don't stay asleep, their kidneys could malfunction and they might die.
1. Well, I'm sorry, we'll make sure to stop. But if this is true, how do you manage to stay so cheerful?
3. Well, I've got to. If you don't keep a positive outlook, you'll never make it. It's the only reason I made it through my wife's death.
2. Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
3. No, no, there's nothing to be so sorry about, I'm the one who killed her.
2. Hmm-What was that?
3. I killed her, she did this thing where she ground her teeth (Demonstrates) "Rrr Rrr". Really disturbing, made me sick. So one day, I axed her, to see if she would stop/
2. Did she stop, after you asked her to quit?
3. No, I axed her, I hit her with an axe. It really did the trick, she hasn't ground them teeth since. (Eats a cookie from the table) Man, these are really fantastic, mind if I take a few with me? (1 shrugs nonchalantly) Well, I better be off, thanks for everything, nice meeting you two. (He exits)
1. Can you believe that guy? (Enunciate 'believe')
2. You think he was lying? I admit it was a little farfetched but-
1. No, no, it waws just awfully cliche, I got bored after that part about the sandman disease.
2. You got bored listening to him talk about how he axemurdered his wife?!?
1. Whatever, I'm going back to sleep.
(Replaces ear plugs and lies on the couch)
(2 returns to the loveseat and absentmindedly taps his foot twice. IMMEDIATELY two knocks are heard, and a small exchange of taps and knocks is made, with 1 watching the last few exchanges.)
1. (Takes out plugs and sits up) What in the hell is-
(Either the door is broken down, or atleast a sinister laugh is heard. 3 enters with a belt sander. He gives it a menacing whirl)
2. Oh God, oh God is that - wait, is that a belt sander?
(3 gives it another whirl)
1. (Talking to audience) What is wrong with you people? Are these tired, overdone and just plain awful ideas really still funny to you?
(3 instead whips out a bat or axe, and advances on the two)
3. Alright... Now which one of you is the tapper?!?
1. (Rather apathetic and bored) Sorry, but neither of us is a bartender, though there is some Heini in the fridge.
(2 elbows him)
3. (Shouting at the top of his lungs) Which one is the tapper!
(2 points at 1. 1 looks at the finger, then up at 2's face. Sighing, he points back)
1. Fine, I'll play along.
3. (Still screaming) So neither is man enough to fess up, eh? Then you both die!
1. Ok, wait. Kill us for being ugly, or being middle-class, but I simply cannot bear to be one of a million cheesy deaths due to a minor inconvenience or annoyance. I mean, there are thousands of better, more orignial methods and situations than a standard slaying, atleast give it an interesting twist, or background, setting, or something- (Throughout this the other two have come downstage and are talking)
2. Listen, do you want to just take this somewhere else?
3. Yeah, we aren't getting anywhere with this negative nelly.
(They exit. 1 turns around midsentence and sees they're gone)
1. Well...
(He moves back to the couch, and starts to read. His foot begins to tap)
1. (Looking at foot while it's tapping) Ah, damnit...
(Lights fade down on his tapping)
END
