The Sacrifice [short play] - Writers Forum

Egab · 11-24-2007, 12:13 PM

Short play I wrote a year ago. Some found it amusing, some found it utter crap. Please share your thoughts.

The sacrifice

Our young heroes enter the scene.
We see three figures standing inside a miserly decorated abandoned building. With no light source but the stray light of the full moon, shining through broken glass, and frameless windows. Two of the three individuals standing afoot are hooded figures, their dark robes hiding faces of puberty stricken teenagers. Clive and Bud be their names. Next to the peculiar pair stands a goat with a rope tied around it’s neck, the creature is aptly named Billy.

Clive:
Wow, this is astonishing, im so excited.
Bud:
Yeah! Me too. Lets check that we got everything.
Clive:
I’ve got the list!
Bud:
OK, read it out loud, and I’ll check the bag.
Clive:
Chalk?
Bud:
Umm, I couldn’t find any chalk at home, so I brought my sisters red crayons.
Clive:
Crayons?
Bud:
Yes, red drawing crayons, I mean, whats the difference if we draw the circle with chalk or crayons. Besides, red is my favourite color.
Clive:
You idiot! The difference is everything, were not joking around here, this is serious. The instructions must be followed strictly!
Bud:
Well, I still don’t have any chalk.
Clive:
Lucky for us, I was blessed with more brains than guts, unlike you. I stole some chalk from school, just in case.
Bud:
[To himself] Smartass….
Clive:
What?
Bud:
Nothing, just continue reading the list.
Clive:
Ancient summoning book written by mad but trustworthy cult leader?
Bud:
Check.
Clive:
Candles?
Bud:
Four strawberry smelling aroma therapy candles check.
Clive:
[Loud and angry] what?
Bud:
Hey don’t get pissed off, these are what my mum uses for her meditation. They are cool. Smelling strawberry is cool.
Clive:
[Still angry] But they are pink?
Bud:
And? Whats wrong with that?
Clive:
Nothing, no really. The demon archlord who we are trying summon is going to appreciate the pink, strawberry smelling candles we included in the sacrifice….
Bud:
Look, they were the only type of candles we got at home.
Clive:
Would it hurt you to go to a shop and buy proper candles?
Bud:
Well, I had to hurry.
Clive:
We were planning this for months, man!
Bud:
You just phoned over that were doing it tonight!
Clive:
[High pitched, annoyed voice] Aww, jesus christ, ok, they will do.
Clive:
[After a few seconds of silence] So candles check, Goat?
Bud:
Billy the goat, check.
Billy:
Meeeeeeeeeeee.
Bud:
Cute thing,but don’t poo all over the place Billy.
Clive:
[to himself] God, next time I wont choose acloyates by their farm animals…..
Bud:
What?
Clive:
Nothing, so we got everything.
Clive:
[with a deep, serious voice] Give me the book.
Bud:
Here!
Clive:
So, first step. „Thou shalt draw the unholy summoning circle of the underworld to summon thy demon.”
Clive:
Start drawing, heres the crayon, and heres the drawing in the book.
Bud:
Man, this drawing is complex, it has lines and stuff. I can’t draw it.
Clive:
[high pitched, annoyed voice yet again] What do you mean you can’t draw it?
Bud:
I failed at geometry in school!
Clive:
You failed? How could you? You can’t fail miss Bellings classes.
Bud:
Well I did, I don’t have any drawing skills.
Clive:
[almost screaming, raising hands at the ceiling] Why me, oh God, why me??? Give me that damn crayon!
Bud:
You mean the chalk?
Clive:
Yes the chalk. Now hold the book.
Billy:
Meeeeeeeeeee

Twenty minutes of blood swetting drawing on the floor.

Clive:
Done.
Bud:
You sure its alright?
Clive:
Yes, all the lines are placed fine, four the fifth time now.
Bud:
You said we got to stick to the plan. What about that line over there?
Clive:
[angry] IT’S FINE! Just get on with the ceremony.
Bud:
Okay, fine with me. So who do we summon again?
Clive:
I have already told you three times, but I suppose I’ll just have to tell you again. We shall summon Zarathom, the prince of the seventh circle of hell, Lord of all things that slither.
Bud:
COOL.
Clive:
Yes, indeed, cool….
Clive:
Now place the candles in those smaller circles, and light them.

The candles get placed, and lightened.

Bud:
Wow, these things really smell like strawberry.
Clive:
[with disgust] I hate strawberry.
Bud:
How can you hate strawberry? Its full of vitamins, and tastes good at the same time!
Clive:
Whatever, lets continue. Bring forth the sacrfice.
Bud:
What?
Clive:
Place the goat inside the circle.
Bud:
Oh, there you go Billy.
Billy:
Meeeeeeee.
Clive:
Alright, now get the knife.
Bud:
Already got it.
Clive:
Good. Now slit billys thorat.
Bud:
What? You mean, like, kill him?
Clive:
[yet again annoyed] No, I mean shave it’s neck, of course, being a sacrifice includes dieing.
Bud:
No way, what does the text say?
Clive:
Argh……”Bring forth the sacrifce, a virgin goat, and let it bleed on to the unholy circle in its death.”

Bud:
[a bit embarressed] Umm, and how do we know billy’s a virgin?
Clive:
Did Billy have sexual intercourse with other goats?
Bud:
Im not sure, we have a few goats, it could have happened.
Clive:
Great, just great…
Bud:
What if it means you shouldn’t have sex with the goat?
Clive:
Why on earth would I want have sex with that poor animal?
Bud:
Well, maybe some ceremonies demand having sex, like orgies, and cross gender nasty stuff…
Clive:
You have a diry, filthy mind!
Billy:
Meeeeeeee
Clive:
Alright,lets assume that Billy is still a virgin. So, for gods sake, kill it.
Bud:
I can’t, I just can’t. Billy’s been with me since he was like, this small, I have seen his little antlers grow, awww….
Clive:
[really annoyed] This is insane. Give me that knife, and hold the damn book.
Billy:
Meeeeeeeeeee.

Blood, Gore, execution of a tame farm animal.

Billy:
MEEEeeeEEEeeEEEeeeeEEEeeeEEeeE
Bud:
OH, my god. I couldn’t imagine Billy having so much blood.
I mean its everywhere, even on my pants, and I was standing, like meters away.
Clive:
Heh, little rascal, phew, resisted like he wouldn’t been eaten anyway.
Clive:
[with great self pride] Now give me the book, and I shall read the incantation. Prepare youself.
Bud:
You can actually read that text?
Clive:
I have extended knowladge of ancient languages.
Bud:
No, you just searched it up on the internet……
Clive:
Same thing, now shut up, let the summoning begin.

Mumblings of a mad teen echo, red flames of hell glow from below.

Bud:
[astonished] OH MY GOD.
Clive:
[in awe] Sweet mother of mercy!!!!
Zarathom:
[deep and dark demon voice] Whom had the fake confidnce, to summon me from my throne, from the castle of suffering, built from the bones of the blind? Who has the courage to bind me to the mortal realm?
Clive:
[acting tough] It was I! Look alive Demon, you are trapped, and I am your new master, you shall grant me my wishes, and you will lick my boot, as if you were my dog!
Bud:
[in excitement] Yeah!Yeah!Me too!Me too!
Zarathom:
[laughing hard] HA HA HA.Foolish mortals, your souls are mine! HA HA HA.
Clive:
[shocked] What? This shouldn’t be like this! NO!
Bud:
What did he mean by ’you souls are mine’ ?
Zarathom:
[in disgust] I haven’t seen a ceremony so sloppy since that mad gypsy in france, you children are getting a whole lot dumber as the centuries pass.
Clive:
[still in awe] What?
Bud:
[confused] I don’t understand! Tell me it wasn’t the aroma therapy candles!
Zarathom:
[inscpecting the circle] What is this? This circle is faulty. These lines are not connected, and those equations are completly off track. This circle couldn’t even bind an imp stationary.
Clive:
But I copied it straight from the book!
Zarathom:
You believed in the drawings of a ravaging madman?
Clive:
Well, I, uh, damn….
Bud:
Nice job idiot.
Zarathom:
And besides, thats a male goat!
Clive:
And? The text only stated that it should be a virgin goat, Billy was a virgin!
Zarathom:
The text meant virgin as a maiden, a lady, a female goat. You boys just messed up badly.
Clive:
[angry] You’r just making that stuff up!
Zarathom:
Well, sue me then. I’ll still get your souls.
Bud:
[saddened] So you are going to kill us now?
Clive:
[crying] *weep* *sob*
Zarathom:
[annoyed] Now, are you deaf boy? I’ll just take your souls, thats all.
Bud:
[interested] Is it possible to live without a soul?
Zarathom:
Of course, thats what all of your politicians do!

Egab · 11-24-2007, 12:23 PM

Sorry for the double post, but im having problems. The site wont let me edit it, it says it's longer than 20000 characters, while my word processor tells me it's only 8298 characters with spaces.......

vangoghsear · 11-26-2007, 11:37 AM

There are some okay moments in this.

As a play it is faulted. How would you stage it? Fake goat, person in a goat suit, live goat? Live goat could not be counted on to make noise or be quiet on cue.

Do you expect an audience to sit through twenty minutes of someone attempting to draw a circle? If not, how are you planning to display the passing of that time (not that it can't be done, but you need a line or a narrator, or some other method of showing elapsed time.) Perhaps a blackout and a voice in the darkness just saying, "twenty minutes later" then the lights come up and the one not drawing has sat down on the floor or something.

An audience is not going to want to watch even a fake sacrifice by these two. The bumbling is too cute and we want to see the sacrifice bumbled as well. Perhaps just let them pretend to cut the goat for a drop of blood.

BUD - Maybe it says, bleeds while it lies in the circle, and not dies in the circle. My mom will kill me -- and she won't even need a circle -- if I kill Billy. Can't we just give it a little cut?

CLIVE - Fine, so now we'll just wound Billy the slut goat and see how that works for us!

BUD - Yup.

Or something like that.

Overall, I'm not crazy about the whole theme of the play, but I like the aroma-therapy candles and the red crayon bits.

Who do you see as your audience?

Egab · 11-26-2007, 01:13 PM

Thank you for the response vangogshear. Those are some fine points you brought up. Maybe this would fail as a live act. Id rather concentrated on the silly moments (aroma-teraphy and red crayons) than thinking about how I would execute this as a real life play.

Come to think of it, this would be more suitable as a script for a cartoon.

But if the play had a narrator, who reads out the parts between the dialogs, it could work. And Billy definetly would be played by a person in a goat costume.

The sacrifice would be Clive imitating 3 or 4 knife stabs at Billy, then Billy would scream and fall over.

The drawing scene would include the closure of the curtains, then the speaking of the narrator, and then we would see the complete drawing. Which would be placed on scene drawn on some paper os something.

As my audience I would have imagined some other sick and demented souls as myself ofcourse.

Thank you again for the feedback.

P.S. What do you think about the very last part, and the dialog of the Demon?

By the way: Your rewriting of the goat sacrificing dialog is genious : D But I wont include it, becouse it would stand out from the other more crappy dialog...........

Guitar_chick133 · 11-27-2007, 01:24 PM

well, as soon as he brought out the strawberry aroma therepy candles i was laughing to myself because i imagined the demon being all mean and stuff then be like *sniff sniff* " mmm...is that strawberry? full of vitamins, and tastes good at the same time!" lol!!

other than that, it was good, i liked it, it could be better, but it's great so far.

Egab · 11-27-2007, 01:36 PM

Thanks for the comment Guitar_chick133. Glad you liked it!

My question still stand tho. How did the representation of the Demon lord sound? I'm not quite satisfied with it, and I would welcomne any suggestions on how to make his Dialog parts better.