Dermot Murphy

Howdy all, I'm new to this forum so i thought by way of intro. I'd better post something for critique. I'm currently slamming my way through an attempted TV sitcom - I've written six episodes so far. Following are the first three or so scenes from my pilot episode. Let me know what y'all think.

Open up

Int. Apartment bathroom. Evening.

[ The bathroom is relitively small, everything in close quarters. Directly opposite the
door is a window, overlooking the courtyard of the apartment block. There is netting
over this window but no curtains. Enter Dominic, topless and sockless. He switches
on the light, turns the taps on the bath, and lets it run. In a short montage, he
undresses, buck nakedness intimated by a shot of him dropping his trousers and
pants. A quick check of the water, and then it’s to the toilet for a pre-bath pee. He
lets fly, lets out a sigh. He takes a glance out of the window. An elderly lady ( late
seventies ) is standing in the courtyard looking up, an aghast expression mixed with
some kind of anger. Dominic stops peeing ( as heard ).
Cut to later ]

Int. Apartment bedroom. Later

[ On his mobile phone to Caoimhe ]

Int. Office. Next morning.

[ Dominic works for a small financial company, with one colleague. The office layout
is of negligible importance. Suffice to say there is a lobby floor for custom, a counter
behind glass, computers for transactions, and a fax machine. At the fax machine is a
puzzled looking Clara. Dominic enters through the front door, speaks as he moves to
and opens the security door ]

[ He unwraps his jacket, readies himself for the day. He’s wearing a shirt, his tie is in
a drawer. As he puts this on, he spots Clara’s befuddlement ]

[ It makes a working noise ]
[ He takes his seat, fade to later. The branch is dead, a cold sun playing through the
window at the front. Dominic is sitting staring blankly at the computer screen, hands
on the keypad, unmoving. Clara is looking straight forward. A long pause ]

[ Another pause. Dominic turns around ]

[ He thinks about continuing the conversation, then thinks better of it, returning to his
computer screen ]

[ Dominic turns to retort, but the phone rings ]

[ Fade to black ]

Okay, so lemme know whether you'd want to read more ( it runs to twenty five pages ). Any critique is welcome.

Dermot

lin

Hi Dermot.
Well you certainly were clever about formatting for the forum. Instead of whining about it like most posters

Your format is a little odd, but that might be an artifact of posting here. Be sure you are absolutely cold on this before showing to anybody who matters.

If you've got six episodes already, you're probably doing to much of that and not enough of tightening them up and preparing "pilot proposal material". (That's what I did on my series, though....I've got over seven hours of script and the thing's being pushed by producers, but hasn't sold

You are not in the eye of the TV writing storm here, Dermot. I'd suggest you look into sites more oriented to that. Foremost among them, tvwriter.com , Larry Brody's site. In addition to a forum in which EVERYBODY is interested in TV and many of them accomplised professionals, you'll also find a link there to the People's Pilot Contest, the only contest for pilots. Take a look at some of the past winners for tips on how to propose.

As far as this goes, it lacks focus and sharpness. Like so many first teleplays it wanders along, but doesn't offer any laughs. (I blame this on people watching the Office too much When what they should be watching is News Radio.

First episode you want to get the characters and situation out there strong and fast. The peeing scene is useless...might be worth the space later on, but think about it. This is the first scene in your series?????

Look this passage over. He sits, then go to later in same sentence. The dead branch is not something you need to get into. But hey...A LONG PAUSE???? Not in a sitcom, amigo.

Study format, study some TV scripts. You make a mistake trying to start off copying cerebral, moody stuff. That's done with actors in place and playing up to their mugging and strengths, etc. You need to string out LAUGHS. And have a plot that's going somewhere. For extra points, it's part of a story arc that runs over several episodes. But the main thing is, it's a plot that moves forwards through a series of gags.

Good luck

__________________

Dermot Murphy

Many thanks for the comments - hard to get onto this site more often, hence the delay returning. Unfortunately, posting three pages wasn't enough to get a grip on the characters or the plot of this first episode. However, your points are well-received and taken on board - in particular about gripping an audience from that start.

There is a thru-line running through the series, which obviously isn't touched on in those three pages. The peeing scene plays into it again, is in fact an escalating motif through this episode. And though your point is taken about The Office, I was never a fan. This is more inspired by Curb your Enthusiasm, and as such has to build up from a single character moment, in this case the opening scene. I also - and this is perhaps a personal thing - like the quietness of opening on a moment like this, and seeing where it goes. Much of what happens in the series is based on things that have happened to me, then escalating it to see where it can go. The piece doesn't just take place in an office - however, how are you supposed to see that from the three pages i printed, so again - i should have posted more.

Re "Taking a seat, fading to later" - point taken, however it does get across an intention, in so much as the character takes a seat in work, and we can move to later to see that he is exactly where he started - it's about the boredom, the atmosphere that leads to increasing frustration. Perhaps there is a better way to do it, so that'll go into the rewrite process - in particular taking into account running time and tightening up.

I appreciate the point about studying other pieces, the problem is i have and I'm rarely impressed. I'm a feature-length writer by nature so i studied both script-books and how-to books. With the exception of perhaps "Fawlty Towers," or "Hancock" scripts for sitcoms - and in fact sitcoms themselves - often seem obvious and contrived, not in themselves funny, well-written or character based, something i wanted to get away from - urinating in front of an old woman aside. That's a sidebar that doesn't necessarily take away from my piece being, as you've pointed out, a weak opener, but it's worth thinking about. One could be driven mad trying to recreate the style, the format, the intention of, for example "Father Ted."

As for cerebral, moody - again i understand your point. But unless I'm going to write about the pitfalls of having one too many children, or what it's like to work in a pen factory but never being able to find a pen that works, i'm unsure which direction there is to go in. A lot of sitcom is based not on recognisable situations but on out-there convolutions to keep an audiences interest and maybe get a gasp of shock or laugh from a daft tension as we wait for someone to fall over. I did want to avoid this, and move into a looser, ad-libbed appearing approach. Again, your comment about having actors in place pin-points how this can be a weak approach, but as they say, you write what you know.

I shall lick my wounds, tighten the piece, and move myself to the sites you have described. I very much appreciate the comments you have made. Good luck with your own pending piece.