Steven-a short play from the Littl'an - Writers Forum

The Littl'an · 08-17-2007, 10:19 AM

I've never written a play before so please bear with me but tell me what you think. Its slightly obscure. This is only the first scene, if you want more please say so.
Many Thanks and much love- the Littl'an

Act 1

Scene 1

(Steven, an office worker, is sitting in a simple office with a desk and computer etc.)

Steven: (on the phone) Oh yes? (jolly) …ha ha…no well you see I got a call from Janette today saying that it hasn’t quite all been paid for…Yeah well that’s what I thought…caught?...Alright well I’ll er try and sort it out shall I?...no problem governor…Oh really?...(laughs)…well I’ll see you the eh?...cheers…bye.(puts down the phone.) Arsehole. (Continues typing on the computer. A woman comes running into the office all red-faced and crying. She is hysterical.) And now the wailing woman. (Sighs).

Wailing woman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! (Pants.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Steven: What the hell do you want? (Calm but angry.)

Wailing woman: My husband my husband my husband!

Steven: What about him?

Wailing woman: He’s lying face down in the middle of the fucking road…The middle of the fucking road! I used to love him for it but this is a step too far! The fucker’s lost his mind. Everyone has asked him to move but he’s just lying there like fucking road kill!

Steven: (bored) what sort of state is he in?

Wailing woman: Demented and dormant.

Steven: I think he might be dead.

Wailing woman: What?

Steven: I think he might be dead.

Wailing woman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Steven: Get out of my office.

Wailing woman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Steven: Get the fuck out of my space! (Chucks a hefty book at her. Wailing woman screams again and flees the room. Steven starts typing again.) And who the fuck is Fraser Brough.? (He gets up and opens the office door. He checks to make sure that no-one is coming. He shuts the door and runs back to his seat. He unzips his trousers. ) I grabbed that Catholic slut with my bare hands. I twisted them around her neck. “You gonna tell anyone?” I shouted. I slammed her head against the wall when she didn’t answer.” You gonna fucking tell anyone?” I was sliding one of my hands up her school-girl kilt as I spoke. She moaned as it went into her. What a commotion at her loins! I began to move it forwards and backwards in a steady rhythm. (He puts his hand down his trousers and begins to shake). I loved her pre-pubescent tightness. She was so fucking innocent! (He groans. The door is slammed open. He whips out his hand and slams his laptop lid down. Mary, his secretary, stands at the open door. They look at each other. Pause.)

Mary: I think you should come outside.

Steven: Alright then. (Pause.)

Mary: Come on.

Steven: Wait a minute.

Mary: No. Come now. (Steven looks down at the massive lump in his undone trousers.)

Steven: Right now?

Mary: Yes.

Steven: This very second?

Mary: Yes. (Pause. Steven sighs.)

Steven: Well this sucks.

Mary: What does?

Steven: This!

Mary: In what way?

Steven: In the way that I have just been masturbating to child pornography and unfortunately still retain the erection. You there, are telling me to stand up and I am embarrassed by the rigid state of my cock, and the fact that my trousers are extremely likely to fall down.

Mary: Oh.

Steven: Yeah.

Mary: How shocking.

Steven: Yes it is quite. (Pause.) What did you want to show me?

Mary: A picture of a cat with a tie on.

Steven: What?

Mary: A picture of a cat with a tie on.

Steven: Are you actually serious?

Mary: Yeah. (Pause.)

Steven: Can I get it off you?

Mary: What?

Steven: Can you send it to me?

Mary: Why?

Steven: I want to masturbate to it?

Mary: Oh. (Pause.) Yeah all right.

Steven: Cheers. (Mary leaves and Steve opens the computer and continues typing. Blackout.)

END OF SCENE 1

twitch · 08-17-2007, 11:55 PM

No. Just... no. I saw the seeds of humor, It just did't make it all the way. I don't think these chracters are believable at all... sorry to be harsh i just don't like this. It's to rediculous to be funny, you know? Don't stop trying.

Merforga · 08-18-2007, 09:56 AM

Don't try using a touchy subject like pedophilia , rape and so on unless your actually good at making it funny or acceptable. I see where your trying to take it but you didn't succeed in making me laugh you only succeed in making me think " wow what an asshole". One reason i think why i wasn't able to buy your play was because the characters seem a little over the top . Like twitch said " it's too ridiculous to be funny". Good Luck with this

mammamaia · 08-18-2007, 06:42 PM

sorry to say i have to agree with the previous posters...

paroma · 08-23-2007, 12:15 PM

aaahhhh...why the obssession with sex?..you might have been trying to address "real" issues, but it seems like a run down screwed up version of restoration comedies...I dont know i'm hardly an expert but i wouldnt watch/read this...sorry. perhaps a little less perversion will do the trick

Gammajit · 09-08-2007, 05:30 PM

littl'an,

I would have to agree with the others that some of the content is a little over the top. But, I also think they are not the audience you are writing for.

I actually kind of get the absurdest tone you are going for. Some of your timing and the general tempo is not bad. One or two of your gags could actually work IMO. The anti hero protagonist is actually kind of a nice change. Some times its fun to watch a dick head go off.

My main issues lie with the fact that your shock factors totally eclipse what may have been an some absurdly interesting beats.

-I suggest you tone down the swearing. Be creative, its more fun for us ( The Audience)
-Also you may want to get the idea that he is a sick bastard across in a less abrasive manner. As you will defiantly lose less audience. Again be creative. Thats what being a good writer is about.

Shock is cheap. Its boring and few us want to ingest repulsive material unless it has real payoff, ie meaning or reason.

This is not to say you shouldn't push the envelope. Just be careful not to tear it.