jofra

This is just to get feedback. tell me if you think this is cool or not, dailogue etc.


(Camera shows Demetri with a bruised face hunched over a table scribbling a signature over and over, looking once in a while to a document with a genuine one that reads “Eli Ritchie”. Demetri looks up at a TV screen depicting the rich-looking Eli Ritchie wave and shake hands with other wealthy citizens at some get together shown on the news. Demetri speaks to himself while the masked man is present.)
Demetri- Look at him. On top of the world. No problems. No worries or cares. Everything belongs to him. And he’s had to get it all taken away.
Masked Man- No one that encounters prosperity does not also encounter danger.
Demetri- (Surprised at first. Gives the man a quick glance, then goes back to scribbling signatures.) Guess that sounds about right.
(Some time passes)
Demetri- (Looks up. Somewhat angry) So where do you get off? Abducting people against their will and forcing them to commit crimes?! People like you ought to be hung by your balls.
Masked Man- Prejudice is just an opinion without judgment.
Demetri- (A little struck with confusion. Organizes his thoughts and then retorts.) No. It’s not an opinion. What you’re doing is wrong. The world says so.
(Camera gradually starts zooming in on the enigmatic figure of the masked man.)
Masked Man- (He is standing leaned with one leg supporting himself against the wall opposite Demetri. He is partially covered by the dimness of the poorly lit room. His arms are crossed with his head down. His volume increases as he speaks) Leave the vain limitations of this world, my friend, for it is not eternal, and return to the depth of your soul: that is where you will always rediscover the source of the sacred fire which so often inflamed us with love of the sublime virtues; that is where you will see the image of true beauty. (Volume drops slightly) The contemplation of which inspires us with an utmost fulfillment.
(Short pause)
Masked Man- Besides. You’re getting paid right?
Demetri- (Thinks about what he is about to say.) I’ve stolen before, but I’ve never hurt anyone. People suffer if that much money is lost.
Masked Man- Now you’re justifying breaking your own morals. It’s ok to steal but not to cause pain? If you’re following the commandments then stealing is just as wrong as murder. Either abandon your ethics or find new ones. (Long pause. The masked man pushes away from the wall and walks to exit the room. Stops briefly.)
“So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spew thee out of my mouth.”
(Demetri stares at the wall with his head down as he thinks about what he just heard.)
( Camera pans to outside the room where the man is seen taking his mask off. Johnny is revealed.)

vangoghsear

Read the lines yourself out loud. The lines seem a bit preachy.

Don't just think of a line and then write it as dialog, but try and put yourself mentally into the position of each character and imagine what they would say in the situation.

Interruptions are common in natural speech perhaps a few spots where a comment could be injected to break up the sermonizing.

This kind of speechifying can work for a super-criminal type like the bad guy in a Die Hard flick, or one of the Superman movies. Is this what you were going for? Otherwise, a line like this:

. . .needs to be followed with something like:

Demetri-Hey, I got something you can shove till you achieve utmost fulfillment.

. . .Because that is what the audience will want to respond to that line.

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jofra

ya the next line in is this.

Masked Man: Besides, you're getting paid right?

so if the point was to bring it down a notch, preachy wise, that kinda does it.

mammamaia

if this is meant to be a screenplay, you need to learn the format... it's not even close... and the content doesn't sound marketable, sorry to say...

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