spikeraber

INT: Jack and Jill’s apartment.

Jack and Jill are sleeping cuddled up against each other and all is calm. There is the sound of a car door slamming shut.
GRAPHIC: 12:13am (the graphic pops up in time with the car door sound)

Jack opens his eyes sleepily. There are voices of people talking loud.


He checks the clock and gets out of bed. Camera follows him to though the hallway into the kitchen. We continue to hear the talking. The kitchen window overlooks the main street of the town. Jack looks out the window to see two men standing next to each other. He is standing in the dark. This is a drug deal going down. The dealer (BRAD) and customer (ASHTON) are finishing up. Ashton hands Brad some money and Brad a small paper bag.

Ashton is walking back to his car when Brad comes behind him and slits his throat. Jack’s heart rate starts to double and cannot believe what he sees. Brad grabs the bag and looks around speciously. The kitchen light turns on and Brad sees Jack standing in the window. Jill is squinting at Jack. She is standing by the light switch.

Brad runs towards the apartment and sprints to the door. Jack runs past Jill, bumping into her and runs towards the stairwell. Brad tries to open the door and shatters through the glass window and finds that there is another door. He runs towards it and just as he grabs the doorknob Jack locks it. Brad pulls on the door and starts to bang on the door angry.

Brad runs back to his car. Jill is watching from the kitchen window, horrified. Brad opens the back door and grabs an axe.

Brad steps over Ashton’s dead body. We see Ashton’s hand quiver. Jack runs upstairs. He opens a window.

Brad lays the first blow to the door with his axe. Jill runs and grabs the cell phone. Jack and Jill open the window that leads to the roof. Jack helps Jill up. We hear two more axe impacts. Jill is crying. Brad is breathing very hard and stops. He pulls the bag from his coat and dumps the crystal-like powder in his mouth and savors it.

Ashton gets up and starts stalking towards Brad, who is focused on the door.

Jack and Jill are on the roof. Jill hands Jack the cell phone. Jack looks at it and it reads “battery dead”, makes a noise and dies.

Ashton is almost upon Brad when a cop car pulls up. OFFICER RILE gets out of his car and pulls his gun. Jack and Jill are watching from the roof.

Brad turns right into Ashton who bites his throat out. Brad gurgles, screams and collapses to the floor.

Ashton turns towards Rile. His eyes are pure white. Rile shoots Ashton multiple times in the chest. Rile calls for backup. Ashton creeps all the way up to Rile. Rile is sobbing and freaking out curling up into a ball on the ground. Ashton is pushing himself on top of Rile and Rile is pushing him back with his hands. Ashton bites him in the hand.

Ashton turns around and Jack swings the axe, taking Ashton’s head off with it.

roll opening credits

mammamaia

sorry, but this bears little resemblance to an actual screenplay... you need to learn the mandated format...

i can't help you with the content, since i don't help with work that has violent content... i'm sure others here will chip in with feedback...

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Kimba

maia, I'm not sure what exactly it is you are judging on when you say it bares little resemblance to a screenplay. I'm in the mindset that trying to properly format a screenplay in these forums is rather difficult. Perhaps you could direct us on screenplay formatting using BBC coding.

FWIW, I think the format is not bad considering how tricky it is to post it in these forums. Although I have to admit, there are several incorrect formatting in some places.

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mammamaia

too many things to list here... here are just a few:

1. slug lines are typed in all-caps, with no colons... and has to include 'day or night'... like this:

2. wrylies are not followed by dialog, on same line... they go between the character name and the dialog... and none of the dialog should be in all-caps... like this:

plus, you way overuse them... it's clear the guy is screaming, thanks to the wording and that !... so, no wrylie is needed there...

3. unless you are planning to produce/direct this yourself, it should have no camera directions... that is the director's province and stepping on his/her toes is not the way to sell a script...

the bbc site used to make a script format available... you should check there for one, if you plan to write for tv... for screenplays, hollywood standard is the norm [or at least acceptable] in all countries... i can send you a format guide... if you want it, just email me at maia3maia@hotmail.com

m

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BillinNC

I see nothing wrong except you have camera directions...that's what's called a shooting script. You need a spec script for the first time around. Otherwise it's pretty good.

spikeraber

I was hoping people would comment more on the content rather the format.

Sock

Yeah, formats off a bit but, I know that’s not what you were focusing on.

As far as content, it feels a bit rushed. Almost like a fast forward/recap type feel to it. Don't be afraid to slow stuff down. You don't want to throw action in our faces in minute ONE of the movie (in this case at least).

My advice would be to go back and beef up the dialogue. Or, change what Jack is doing in the begging; everyone sleeps, this doesn't speak to the character. He could be working in his garage or something, painting, having a smoke.

Perhaps slow down Jack's discovery of the drug deal, he could hear them talking from in his garage, slowly walk out, add a little bit of dialogue between Brad and Ashton as ease drops maybe. This would also make for a little scarier encounter, Jack being so close to the killer when it happens.

Also, maybe develop the cop a bit. Just introduce him a bit so it doesn’t seem so fast paced and unexplained.

I'm not a huge horror movie fan. But I love zombie movies, especially if they have maximum gore. Not enough here to really judge on quality, but it shows promise. Keep runnin with it and keep us posted.

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