one example of a possible many:
Quote:
FADE IN:
INT. MAX'S BED-SITTER - DAY
Unusually neat and clean, bare of all but essentials. No personal touches of its human occupant anywhere, but matched set of food and water dishes sit on the floor next to a telly covered with a tablecloth. Painted on nearly empty dishes is, 'KITTIKINS'.
JOE (20s) comes in. As nondescript and neat as the room, he goes straight to the dishes, empties contents down the disposal, washes and refills them. Dishes back in place, he searches the place.
JOE
Kittikins, where are you?
I'm sorry I was late. See
your nice din-din? Come
out...please?
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...as you can see, having his habitat reflect his character is essential... you had him living in a cutesy, over-decorated little house, yet wanted us to see him as characterless, living only for his cat... didn't gibe... and the VO is not only not needed, but intrudes on the visual impact and, in the case of what you wrote as its description, contradicts it...
i didn't deal with the scar bit and other aspects of your excerpt, because i wanted to show you here how to establish the character's character before we even see him... and the room does that...
if you want, he could be in the tub in the adjoining bathroom, instead of coming in from outside, if you need to hide his injury from us, for the time being... we could hear him calling the cat, see it go into the bathroom and hear him talk to it... all the while the camera is still showing his 'blank canvas' life, as exhibited by the environment he lives in... that can be a bed-sit as i've used, or a house... but it should
match him, if he's supposed to be that 'blank'...
see what i mean?... the VO stuff you have there just doesn't 'hook' us from the get-go, as an opening scene
must... hope this helps...
hugs, m
