Movie Script- Soldiers of Liberty - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 03-10-2007, 02:06 PM

Scene One
Main Street

Scene opens to a man sitting silently in the corner of a local bar. Chairs are set on tables, the light is dim. It’s closing time. The bartender is cleaning glasses and putting them away. The door opens and in walks a man in a gray suit. His name is Elliot Kaufman. He is dirty and looks tired. He walks over to the bartender and the scene goes on.

Bartender: We’re closed, son.

Elliot: I know, but I’m looking for a Mr. Daniel Crown.

Bartender: [points to man sitting in corner] That’d be him.

Elliot walks over to the other end of the bar. He stares intently at the man in the corner. The man doesn’t move, only sits back and watches as Elliot walks toward him. Daniel Crown is wearing a brown leather jacket and has a newspaper sprawled out in front of him on the table. Date says, June 6, 1944.

Elliot: You, Crown?

Daniel Crown: What’s it to you?

Elliot: [Sits down] I received a letter saying to come here and ask for you.

Crown: [Whispers] How many days are there in an hour?

Elliot: Only as many as your heart can desire.

Crown: [Smiles] It’s a pleasure to meet you, Elliot.

Elliot: Cut the crap and just tell me what you did to me.

Crown: What do you mean?

Elliot: You know goddamn well what I mean! [Bursts out of chair] Everything I know is gone! My wife, my kids, everything! Damn it, Crown, just tell me what you did with them!

Crown: You should have thought about this when you decided to get involved with us. You knew very well what you were getting into.

Elliot: I didn’t know you’d tear my life apart!

Crown: It was part of the deal, wasn’t it?

Elliot: What deal? Nobody told me about a deal. The only thing I wanted in on was this operation your lackey told me about.

Crown: He’s not a lackey. He’s my brother.

Bartender appears behind Elliot and takes him by the arms and pulls them behind Elliot’s back. Crown smiles and stands up to speak.

Crown: Now, Elliot. [Pauses] You will be properly punished for the crimes you have committed on our great nation.

Elliot: What crimes? All I did was--

[Crown smacks Elliot with back of hand]

Crown: Please, Elliot, don’t interrupt me. [To Bartender] Take him outside.

Bartender drags Elliot to back door of bar and into the alley behind. Crown follows.

Crown: [Pulls gun out of jacket pocket] You are being relieved of your duties. You are no longer a citizen of the United States of America. In the Government’s eyes, you were never born.

Elliot: You’re all insane!

Crown cocks back the gun (Colt .45) as Bartender drops Elliot to his knees. Crown walks behind him, holds the gun to the back of Elliot’s head and pulls the trigger. Bartender picks up Elliot’s body and dumps it into the trunk of a vehicle parked a few feet away. A Black Chevrolet. Crown walks up to the driver-side window and knocks on the window. The window’s rolled down and a woman’s face is revealed. Cassandra Hackett.

Crown: Take him away, Cass.

Cass: You got it, Crown.

Crown steps away from vehicle and window is rolled back up. The car lurches forward and pulls out of alley to disappear around the corner.

Crown: [To Bartender] Thanks, Charlie.

Bartender: No problem, Crown. It’s what I’m here for.

Both men return inside bar and scene fades with the sound of traffic lingering.

Scene Ends.

mammamaia · 03-11-2007, 09:58 PM

sorry, but that's not a screenplay... it's more like a stage play script... you need to learn screenplay format and writing style... you can email me for a format guide and tips on how to write for the screen...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com

Crash_Tomas · 03-14-2007, 04:22 PM

well, even though it isn't in the right format, is it good? That's what I'd like to know...but thanks for your help...I saw the topic for the right format after I posted, but I'd like to know about this before I fixed it up...I'm not a script writer, I was just trying it.

MEShammas · 03-14-2007, 04:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

well, even though it isn't in the right format, is it good? That's what I'd like to know...but thanks for your help...I saw the topic for the right format after I posted, but I'd like to know about this before I fixed it up...I'm not a script writer, I was just trying it.

I love it, it's great!

mammamaia · 03-14-2007, 06:11 PM

sorry again, but i don't see any story here... just a melange of trite bits of too many existing works to count... since it's violence-based, i can't help you with it, so you'll have to ask others for specifics...

m

Crash_Tomas · 03-14-2007, 07:13 PM

That helps. Since this is an opening scene, I wanted it to be sort of action based, because the whole script will play off of this event.

Ellen-the-great · 04-04-2007, 05:33 AM

I was pretty resitant to read this. I thought to myself, propaganda, propaganda, PROPAGANDA! But it wasn't, & it actualy was an okay-ish kind of play. Okayish, meaning, it could be a lot worse, but it also could be alot better. keep up the good work.

Vee · 04-04-2007, 07:26 AM

Yes the format is incorrect but who on earth is going to take the time to centre things and explain things in screenplay format on a forum. It is not that important in this case especially since you are learning.

In any case, it is a good opening, it captures your attention, the password exchange hints at a spy movie and the killing hints at an action movie and you tell some of the story with "what have you done to me?"

This gets the viewer hooked and wanting to read/see/know more. I find writers tend to critique from a technical writers viewpoint than a general audience viewpoint (This applies to lots of other professions as well)

You will often come across words like trite and cliche but everything ever written falls into that category - it is finding a different way to tell the same story and to get your audience to connect with the characters that is important.

However, if that start of the movie is also the end of the movie where the rest of it tells the story leading up to it and then finishes, it is a little too trite. Many movies do this but the better ones keep going after the "hook" flashback at the start and then on to a conclusion that attempts to keep you guessing.

Selorian · 04-04-2007, 08:58 AM

Despite the formatting issue, which can be properly done later, this is an interesting beginning. It has all the necessary elements to catch your attention, make you ask questions, and lure you on to find out what is going on and what will happen next.

I'll enjoy seeing more of this when you post it.

Crash_Tomas · 04-06-2007, 10:16 PM

awesome, thanks a lot ellen, Vee, and selorian. Everything really helps and I am glad you like it. I have to find time to write another scene. I'm glad people find this somewhat interesting and I agree that it can be a lot better. I'll be sure to continue this. Thanks again, all of you~

wmd · 04-29-2007, 09:14 AM

The story seems good so far. I dont think a Colt .45 would be the weapon of choice for this guy... most likely something like a glock 9mm and he would definitely need to be using a silencer in the alley.

It seems that Elliot might get a little too excited too fast. He knows that he is dealing with a dangerous man and immediately snaps on him without any plan or back up... and in this man's turf none the less. It could work that way though.

Even if you disregard how the forums format your post, you are still formatting very wrong. Do not include scene numbers and "Main Street" is a broad setting. If you are going for an establishing shot before he enters the bar it should be somethin like.

EXT - LOCAL BAR - NIGHT

You could describe the bar and surroundings here and then go directly to

INT - BAR - NIGHT

I am no expert, but I hope this helps a bit... keep it coming, I want to know what is going on!