H.A.S. The project name has been abbreviated for your protection. - Writers Forum

MAXMAXIMUS · 12-02-2006, 09:01 PM

Here's the first act I wrote for a script-writing class. It's written for a grade B horror market. I already got feed back from classmates and I was wondering if their opinions were universal, so I wanted to expand to a larger support group. Please be honest and critical. Don't be afraid about hurting my feelings. This is still a rough draft so obvious mistakes will be corrected. I'm looking for feedback regarding general impressions, plot flow, interests, character impressions and development. Stuff like that. Not grammer or screenwriting format corrections. THANKS!!

David Siudzinski · 12-03-2006, 10:39 AM

I read the first 10 pages. I think there's too much talking. In addition, too much is explained verbally rather than visually. I don't see why this has to be a screenplay, when it could be a play. The characters are interesting. Some scenes drag on too long, but the dialouge is pretty good. Still, give reasons for this to be a screenplay.

Just my thoughts.

MAXMAXIMUS · 12-03-2006, 01:11 PM

Thanks. A few people in my class said there seemed to be too much talking also. I mainly concentrated on the dialogue in this draft, but it seems I neglected description/scene direction. One of my classmates also said they seemed to be saying the same things over and over again. So I'm going to try and include more action and less talk.

Kimba · 12-04-2006, 09:18 PM

I found some of the grammar in the first page didn't quite make sense. I had to read it again to understand that you were trying to say. Maybe it's just me but there seems to be a bit too much description and action.

I think it's okay to have talk but it shouldn't be repetitious. Remember, the aim of a scene is to enhance the story. If you have to have them talk, keep it tight and keep the actors in mind. There's nothing worse for an actor than trying to memorize a huge paragraph and act the part with authenticity at the same time.

Good effort though.

MAXMAXIMUS · 12-04-2006, 09:32 PM

Thanks! Yins have no idea how I value your feedback. I definetly agree with you about the long dialogue. This is my first attempt at a script and I think I have to learn how to let go of prose. I just want to add to much extraneous material that would be good for a sort story, but bad for a screenplay. I'm in the process of 'letting go' and finding the bare distilled essence of the scene, and just writing THAT! Thanks again!