RoscoLabri

(just the start of an idea, this is actually near the end of the film, although later on it's played out again on the street with the people in the limousine, rather then in the room with the sniper)


SILVER and LEAD

INT. Inside a small, dark room, located on the top floor - Morning

Jesse J. Miller is standing in a dark room. A ray of light shining from the window gradually arching downwards reveals a tall, medium built man wearing smart black trousers and a white shirt, which has a splatter of blood across it. His left arm is down by his side, holding a silenced pistol, which he drops to the floor. He walks over to the window blocking some of the sunlight from the room. He looks out the window carefully without being seen, and focuses his attention on something. He reaches for a Sniper Rifle, which is lying on a small desk next to the window. He sets up the rifle, and points it in the direction where he was looking seconds before.
(Sound of a Grandfather clock ticking in the background throughout)


Fade In:

On Credit Sequence…


Jesse glances at a grandfather clock, which is visible from the ray of sunlight peeping through, located along the wall opposite the window. It reads 07:58 and the pendulum is moving from left to right, ticking.


Jesse looks through the scope of the sniper rifle with his right eye, whilst closing his left, looking far along a road.


(Still through the scope) A limousine comes into view after turning a corner far in the distance. It makes its way closer, down the road, pulling over to the left outside a casino.


(Through scope) Driver gets out and opens the rear seat passenger door first. Out steps a man wearing a white suit, he has a quick glance around, seeming to look up to the area where Jesse is. The driver opens the other door and another important man wearing a black pinstriped suit steps out, holding a cane.

(The ticking is the only thing that can be heard, with a slight echo)


(The ticking suddenly stops, there is absolutely no noise, only silence…)

Both the men from the limousine make their way to the casino.

Jesse places his finger upon the trigger, and slowly starts to squeeze, until it’s reached its destination.

Suddenly a LOUD BANG from the gunshot echoes throughout. Pigeons scatter from the roof. When the noise of the gunshot stops echoing and dies down, screams can be heard from the public near the casino.

End of credit sequence

mammamaia

sorry, but this is not even close to standard screenplay format... and the screenwriter doesn't get to decide where the credits go... that's the director's province... so, unless you're going to produce and direct this yourself, you can't say where they go...

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RoscoLabri

Oh right, I think I'll have to look into a book that sets it all out. Then go from there.

Kimba

As far as I know, sound effects don't go in brackets. Nor do the camera views eg (Through scope).

Just a question here. Why does Jesse need to do the voice over? All it seems to do is tell us verbally what we are already seeing on screen.

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Kimba
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RoscoLabri

What I'm trying to do is use the voice over as his thoughts.

As I said above, It looks like I've got a bit of reading up to do

David Siudzinski

Take a look at "The Screenwriter's Bible" for formatting info.

Kimba

But if his thoughts verbally translates what is already on screen, you shouldn't have to mention them.

To be quite honest, if I was watching a scene like that, I'd be urging Jesse to just hurry up and shoot. I wouldn't be interested in listening to his thoughts.

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Kimba
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branbran

As far as formatting the screenplay, that can come when you have the story. The story is the most important part of writing. Who cares about formatting, grammer errors, punctuation, etc....

The first step is to get the story down. Even the dialogue can be messy as long as you get across what you want to say....all this can be done in a second draft.

As far as your story, I sense you want to build suspense right from the beginning. I think your story would be better suited with him already at the window with gun in hand. Since he cannot make any mistakes, we can see this in his body language. Ex: dropping things, sweating, etc... Most things are better shown and not said....

As far as the voice overs, I would take them out and use the character to communicate the emotions. Before fading in you could actually throw up the line on black screen saying:

Life or Death are todays choices, one
brings freedom, whilst the other
brings misery. Such a fine line…

Then cut right into him at the window. This will give more suspense to the scene....

Just my opinions...but honestly, get the story down tight, cause the screenplay can be formatted to perfection, but if the story is not there, who cares about formatting, right?