addix

Hi everybody.

Here's a screenplay I wrote for a short movie I'm planning to shoot with friends of mine in a not-so-distant future, and I'd be glad if you guys could give me some feedback.
It's the first script I've managed to write all the way to the end, although it's quite short (since it's for a short movie ).

So that's about it. Thanks a lot to those who take the time to read, and even more to those who'll hopefully drop a few lines

Here it goes.



UNTITLED
Second Draft - August 1, 2006



EXT. A STREET - NIGHT


GIBS
What's the fuckin' bus doing? I'm starving.

JOE
I think the bus stop's on the other side of the-

GIBS
Shut up, will ya? It's here, I tell you. It's defintitely here.

JOE
But look there's the sign over there.

GIBS
Don't be a pain, okay? Got enough pain for today; my feet hurt like mad...

TOMMY
That soup tastes weird.

GIBS
Shut the fuck up, Tommy.

TOMMY
It's true, it's, it's... it tastes like... something... else than soup, see what I mean?

GIBS
No I don't see, Tommy, cause I'm hungry.And I don't wanna hear you bitch about food you actually have.

JOE
Told ya you should've bought somethin to eat too.

GIBS
(seems to make a good effort to remain calm)
Please, don't... just, shut up, okay?

JOE
(raising his hands in a surrendering manner)
Okay... (falls silent; having done some thinking) Should've bought something myself too...

TOMMY
Wanna taste the soup, Joe? It's, it's just weird but, maybe you'll like it.

JOE
'D you spit in it?

TOMMY
(taken aback)
Uh... no. (with a slightly offended voice) What kinda question is this? Like I'm gonna spit in a soup I'm giving to you.

GIBS
That'd explain the taste...

JOE
No, it's just people used to do that to me when I was a kid.

TOMMY
Really? Why, what kind of friends is that?...

GIBS
Not friends, Tommy, people. Joe never really had friends.

JOE
Hey, don't be mean like that, okay? (to TOMMY) So, uh, are you gonna give me a sip of that soup?

TOMMY
Oh, yeah, sure, here you go.

TOMMY hands the cup to JOE who brings it up to his lips with a little apprehension.

JOE
Hmmm, hmmm... That's... weird, indeed. but (another sip) it's actually not that bad. (another sip) Yeah, it's not - that - bad. Wanna try, Gibs?

GIBS
Don't like soup.

JOE
Well, that's just too bad. Do you want more of it, Tommy?

TOMMY
No, you can have it all. Just too bizarre for me.

JOE
(happy)
Damn, it's good...

GIBS
Joe, Joe, please, please, just, just try not to make it harder than it is already, okay? I mean, my feet hurt, I'm starving, it's late and the fuckin' bus ain't showing. So please, don't top it off, alright?

JOE
Gee, okay... (sips the soup) Have you ever been told you're a little... you know, bad-tempered? Especially when you're hungry.

GIBS
Dammit, Joe!

JOE
Okay, okay, sorry.

Silence.

A man comes on camera.

MAN
Hey, folks.

TOMMY
Hi.

JOE nods sipping his soup, JOE grumbles "hi".

MAN
(the MAN has a thick accent akin to that of cowboy)
Look, fellas, I got, kind of a problem here...

TOMMY
What's that?

JOE listens sipping his soup. JOE's barely interested.

MAN
(as if it should explain everything by itself)
The Walrus.

TOMMY
(perplexed)
Uh... 'scuse me?

MAN
(getting closer, as if sharing some kind of secret)
The Walrus. I'm lookin' for it.

TOMMY
You, you did say "walrus", right?

MAN
Yeah, The Walrus.

TOMMY
A walrus? (glances at Joe)

MAN
No, The Walrus.

TOMMY
That's right... a walrus. Well...

JOE
Am I hearing all right? You're looking for a walrus?

MAN
No, no, no, you don't get it. I'm not lookin' for a walrus. I'm lookin' for The Walrus.

JOE
The Walrus?

MAN
Yeah.

TOMMY
The Walrus?

MAN
Yeah.

GIBS
(explodes)
What the hell are you talkin' about?! The Walrus?!

MAN
Ah, easy, fella. Why, obviously you're not acquainted with The Walrus, are ya?

GIBS
But what the fuck you talkin' about??!! The Walrus?!!
Explain yourself, man.

MAN
Okey, okey. No need-a be aggressive here.

GIBS
(for himself)
I'm aggressive??

MAN (CONT'D)
Okey, how come you know nothing about The Walrus?

JOE
Hey, man, could you first tell us what you're talkin' about instead of asking questions?

MAN
Ah, yeeh, sorry 'bout that. So, yeah, The Walrus, well, it's pretty simple, really. Though I still don't get it how come you don't know about it. Anyways, as I said-

GIBS
You said nothing yet.

MAN (CONT'D)
uh? (but keeps on) Knowledge about the Walrus is something that's generally taken for granted, see? cause, as far as anybody knows, it's always been the case when one--

Another stranger comes into sight, carrying a guitar.

MAN
Howdy there! Nice day, hu?

JOE
Hey, you were explaining something to us--

GUITAR MAN
Aye, aye, aye. Ey heard an' ey come.

TOMMY
Uh, what is it that you heard?

GUITAR MAN
Ey heard... ahhh here it is ahgain. I did-done knew it, awright. (takes the soup cup from Joe's hands) Thaaa' is it, aye, ey seh.

GIBS (desperate, his head between his hands)
What the fuck...

Say! Say! Say! (turns to Tommy) Did yo a-drink tha'?

TOMMY
(grimacing in an effort to make out what the stranger said)
Uh... some...?

GUITAR MAN
Say! Say! Say! Zaaa... (puts his hand on Tommy's head) Bat! ya nah gonna doy.
Nah say, say, say... (stops. Bends over and fixes something about his shoe.) Oyshh. Za! Say! Say! Say! (turns to Joe) An' yo?

JOE
Uh, yeah I did drink some--

GUITAR MAN
Say! Say! Say! Zaaa... (we think he's about to do the same as for Tommy, but: ) Saaaa, no need awright. Yo be did-done-ded.

JOE
(clearly having difficulties understanding what the GUITAR MAN said)
What??

GUITAR MAN
(leans over JOE and repeats very clearly, a smile on his face)
Ded.

JOE
(horrified)
Me??! I'm what?!!

GUITAR MAN
Dah, s'kay, cos da pain not tha' awful, see?

GIBS
Alright, alright, could you cut it now?--

Yet another man comes on camera. Tall, and well-built. Big.

GIBS
Oh, 'scuse me sir, could you please--

BIG MAN
(speaks in Japanese--though he is not Japanese)
Hora, konna yarô! Kora, warui appurochi da yo na. (short pause) Sa! Ie zo!

GIBS
("disconcerted" would be a big understatement; we can read on his lips a silent "what the fuck??")
Uh... (turns to the others) Did anybody understand anything of what he just said?

They all shake their heads, except the GUITAR MAN, who walks up to him.

GUITAR MAN
Say, say, say...

GIBS
Uh, do you speak his language?

GUITAR MAN
Uh? ah, no, but tha's not da question.

He stretches his arm out, then closes his eyes and breathes deeply. It lasts a few seconds, then he opens his eyes again and turns to GIBS, his hand open, palm up, in front of him as if awaiting something.
GIBS shrugs in incomprehension.

GUITAR MAN
Smoke, dude. Cigarette.

GIBS
Ah... (searches his pockets for a moment, eventually producing a single twisted cigarette) Here.

The GUITAR MAN takes it and hands it to the BIG MAN. The latter grunts and beams.

BIG MAN
Arigatô ne. Sate, baka-na yarô kedo, benri de, shinsetsu da na. Ja, omaera, mata ze.

The BIG MAN goes away, the cigarette between his lips, leaving the group bewildered.

GIBS sits down and sighs.

GIBS
Actually, I was wrong, Joe, your talking was not the worst it could get, (turns to Joe) those guys--

Joe is immobile, sat, his soup cup resting on his lap between his hands.

GUITAR MAN
Say, say, say, tha's it a'ready. So ey said.

He walks to Joe and, standing in front of him, starts playing a tune on his guitar. It is short and merry and, contrastingly, the GUITAR MAN plays solemnly; the others watch with bewilderment. When he's finished, he remains still and silent.

TOMMY
(dares to breaks the silence and asks GIBS in a hushed voice)
Is he dead?

GIBS
I don't know...

GUITAR MAN
(instantly, as if he had just been waiting for them to utter a few words each)
Say! Say! Say! So 'ere we go then.

He leans over Joe, takes the soup cup from his hands and puts it on the ground.

GUITAR MAN (CONT'D)
(to GIBS and TOMMY)
Veeery tricky, uh, veeery. But tha's part-a da game.

Starts lifting Joe but, having some difficulties, he eventually turns to the MAN.

GUITAR MAN
Will yo gimme a hand, dude?

MAN
Oh, sure...

The two of them lift Joe and start walking away.

MAN
Oh, I wanted to ask ya: d'you know where The Walrus is?

GUITAR MAN
Of course I know, I'll show yo da way.

They walk off.

GIBS and TOMMY are left to themselves, silent and utterly bewildered.

TOMMY
I was wondering: is it at all possible that all of this was just a dream? That Joe's still up there buying his soup?

GIBS
(looking at the soup cup on the ground; in a quite even tone)
You bought that soup.

TOMMY
Oh, right.

Silence.

A man with sunglasses on walks in in a strange fashion, wobbling.

NEWCOMER
(with an overexcited voice, gesturing pointlessly)
Alright... alright... ya wanna get some?! Oh come on, baby, ya wanna come?! Come on!!

He stops as brusquely as he has appeared, and turns to GIBS and TOMMY and takes a very straight stance, looking like some kind of model. In a slow, almost vainly-seducing motion, he slides his sunglasses down on his nose with his index, looking at GIBS and TOMMY over the brim.

NEWCOMER (with a very serious voice)
May I help you?



THE END

Kimba

Okay, I hope you're receptive to constructive criticism here.

While the story seems okay [I doubt I'd get you to change your mind on the sotry matter], there are a few things I feel the need to point out. I've always been told by my tutor [I'm studying film production at university BTW] is that when you're writing a script, you need to keep a timeframe in mind. Obviously in this forum, it's a bit hard to acertain just how much screentime the script is going to take. Bascially, a script needs to be to the point so as not to bored the audience.

One thing you need to be mindful is repetitive pharses. The bit about the Walrus is not only very repetitive but it doesn't take the story anywhere and takes up a lot of unnecessary screentime. It's almost like watching a tennis match. You start to feel like yawning until someone hits the ball out of court.

Also try to get rid of unwanted dialogue. Things like "so yeah" and "please, please" are also screen wasters. If you actually time yourself speaking those words, then try to take out the unwanted phrases, you'll find that you could possibly get rid of about 5 minutes of screentime and use it for more informative dialogue.

Another thing I should mention before I forget is accents. A writer shouldn't have to write the script according to how an accent should sound. Actors have enough trouble trying to remember the actions that go with the dialogue without having to try and decipher/imagine what the dialogue is supposed to be saying. One thing a writer should remember is to limit the amount of direction of the actor. That's the director's job, not the writer. You could have in the actions line that the character is speaking in a particular accent but it'll be up to the director and the actor to decide how the dialogue should be presented.

If you need to talk to me about it, you can email me at yahoo3198@yahoo.com.au

__________________
Kimba
==============================

Le Fantome de L`Opera

That was...... interesting. Somehow it reminded me of Samuel Beckett or some avant-garde experimental play you see at Woodstock. Luckily, I go for that kind of stuff and I think it's harder for a writer to write an abstract script than one with a clear plot, so kudos for that. I do have one question though: does it mean anything? Are you trying to say something or prove a point or are you just trying to be weird? If it makes you feel better though, I'm hungry for soup now so I'm gonna go fix some.

addix

Hi you guys, thanks for replying; that alone makes me hapy

I should have mentioned the "genre" in my original post, or anyway how I see this going on screen, but I forgot ><

@Kimba:

Don't worry I'm not touchy when it comes to constructive criticism
Well, to be honest, I kinda know these things you've pointed out; timeframe/not to bore the audience, repetitive phrases/unwanted dialogue and direction -- either because I've read about it or by common sense.

The thing I should clarify here is that I am supposed to direct this.

So, as for direction notes, well I've taken the liberty to add such details as accents because that's how I see it shot; but it's merely indications, because it's obvious I'll adapt to what the actors will be able/willing or not to do.

Still, this is only the second draft and I'll certainly change things before shooting the whole things, and I'll be sure to keep your critique in mind when directing and try to conciliate it with my vision of the story

@Le Fantome de L`Opera:

You're not wrong to mention Samuel Beckett; I read his "Waiting for Godot" and loved it. I like the absurd genre, and Beckett's dialogue very much (makes me laugh out loud, while it bores some people to death and makes them wonder what the whole point is).

So yeah, that screenplay has certainly an absurd side. What I'm interested in here is more the characters' dialogue and attitude than the story.

As for the meaning, well, I suppose it does have one, even though I didn't sit down before starting writing and tell myself "here's what it'll talk about and the underlying there'll be behind the characters' actions" -- I pretty much wrote it as it came and satisfied me.

Also, since I'll be shooting this with friends of mine, there are inevitably some kinds of "private jokes"; e.g. the BIG MAN was written specifically for a friend with whom I studied Japanese and share a love for yakuza movies, while the NEWCOMER is strongly influenced by another friend's character.

Back to the meaning, I think that yes, there's definitely one, even though I didn't start writing with such a specific goal in mind. I think you'll see easily a statement on life and death, which are the two main themes I guess.

EDIT:
Sorry I've just realized I forgot something: as to whether I'm trying to say something/prove a point or just trying to be weird, well besides what I said above regarding the meaning and themes, well I think what I'm seeking is some kind of aesthetic.
> You'll probably see what I mean if you're a little acquainted to Japanese cinema; even though there is undoubtedly a meaning somewhere, what you remember the most is very often the aesthetic of it. That doesn't mean it has to be totally bizarre and avant-garde in its filming, but there is a certain feeling in the way things are shown, both technically (i.e. the way it's filmed) and emotionally.
> Okay, that's totally unclear >< Anyway, as I told you before, there is undoubtedly a meaning, and the point is therefore both that and this aesthetic, hence the weirdness/absurd (as I said before, it came rather naturally, I didn't start with the objective to do something weird by all means, even though I like weirdness and could do something just for the sake of it).
> If you can make something out of this rambling :/


Wow, that was long. Well, I hope it makes it clearer, and again thank you very much for your replies!