Ben Greenhalgh

FADE IN:


EXT.TRUDGILL ESTATE - MORNING
SARA, a pretty blonde twenty five year old, wearing matching coat and scarf, steps along her street.
Sara glances around to catch sight of a SMOKING MAN about thirty years old. As he lifts his cigarette to his mouth, Sara notices a distinctive tattoo on his arm.
Sara carries on walking to the end of her street.
She looks back to see the Smoking Manlooking through her windows.
He turns and meets her gaze. He then walks off in the opposite direction, smiling.




EXT.COFFEE SHOP - MORNING
Sara walks towards the door and opens it with a DING as the door bell sounds out. She enters.


INT.COFFEE SHOP - CONTINOUS

JENNY, a brown haired girl about the same age as Sara, is cleaning one of the drinks machines.



Sara doesn’t notice. Jenny looks confused.



Sara looks towards Jenny and shakes herself out of her trance.




EXT.COFFEE SHOP - EVENING
Sara exits the coffee shop. Her hair is down and she wraps herself up noticing the sudden drop in heat.
Sara heads home.
As Sara walks off screen a DARK FIGURE walks past the shop.


EXT.STREET - CONTINOUS
Sara walks. The DARK FIGURE follows.
No one else is around.
Sara turns and catches sight of the stranger.
Sara speeds up her pace. She turns and sees the man. It is theSmoking Man.
She picks up her pace. A gust of wind blows her scarf off.
She carries on walking.
Sara keeps glancing round to check she is not being followed.
She walks towards her estate.


EXT.TRUDGILL ESTATE - CONTINOUS
Sara gets to her road and walks hurriedly towards her door.
She fumbles inside her bag for her keys but drops them on the floor.
She kneels and picks them up. She places them in the door and enters desperately, almost falling to the floor as she does.


INT.SARA'S HOUSE - CONTINOUS
Sara grabs the phone.


CLOSE ON - PHONE
Sara dials 999.
BACK TO SCENE


Suddenly a figure bursts through the door. He hits Sara and places his hand round her throat. He goes into her pockets. He takes her phone and her handbag. He again hits Sara who is still struggling.

A second figure appears in the doorway. It is the Smoking Man. He grabs the attacker and pushes him away from Sara.
They exchange blows.

The Smoking Man takes hold of the attacker and throws him to the ground.
The stranger stops moving. He is knocked out.
Sara looks at the Smoking Man who has nothing but a look of concern on his face. He opens his hand to reveal Sara’s scarf.




Sara shakes her head. She is still very shaken.

We HEAR sirens in the background.

mammamaia

could be a decent short, but needs some work... action is overwritten, needs paring down to a lean and clean minimum... format needs some correction, dialog a bit of tweaking, and whole thing needs a good proofread, to catch the occasional goof...

were you intending to produce and direct this yourself?... if not, you should delete all transitions, except FADE IN and FADE OUT... 'CUT TO' and 'FADE TO' are editing decisions made only by the director, and not the writer's province...

all in all, a good first/early effort...

love and hugs, maia

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Ben Greenhalgh

The format is different in the real thing the original is in this link:

http://www.freewebs.com/bengreenhalg...28SHORT%29.pdf

Ben Greenhalgh

I am planning on directing this myself which is why i left in the transitions.

thanks for the review!