Disclaimer:
WARNING: The following sketch contains language which some people may consider offensive.
The Catherine Tate Show: An OBE Special
(Lauren is sitting in a GP's surgery, gnawing on a piece of chewing gum and attempting to stifle a giggle as she glances at a poster on the wall detailing the symptoms of cock rot. The GP enters. He is tall with brown hair, of middle age. He sits down at his desk.)
GP: Well, your results are back, and it would appear that you, well...U R DA ONLI GAY IN DA VILLIDGE!!!!!!!1111
Lauren: (pause) Am I bovvered.
Audience: (reacts in the form of rapturous screaming and applause)
GP: But Lauren, you-
Lauren: But am I bovvered, though?
Audience: (more sycophantic clapping despite the fact that Catherine Tate has basically repeated the previous line with exactly the same "I AM TEH SATYRES" intonation)
GP: Lauren, please, listen to me-
Lauren: Look at my face.
GP: Please, just-
Lauren: No, look at my face though.
GP: (sighs) Right, I'm looking at your face. There. I'm looking at it.
Lauren: Does it look bovvered?
GP: No, but-
Lauren: But does it look bovvered, though? Does any part of it look bovvered?
GP: No, but-
Lauren: Are you disrespectin' my fam-il-aaee?
Audience: (explodes, literally, as they scream with ecstasy upon realising that they know some vapid chav just like Lauren, conveniently forgetting that THEY ACTUALLY ARE HER)
GP: No, of course I'm not disrespect-
Lauren: Are you saying I'm a pikey? Are you callin' my fam-il-aaee pikeys?
GP: Well, actually, they are a bit like pikeys, come to think of it.
The population of the United Kingdom: (stop laughing, aghast. Die as they struggle to comprehend the idea of a comedy writer subverting expectations by coming up with an inventive twist as opposed to doing a Lucas and Walliams*)
Catherine Tate: (shoots herself in the face as the realisation dawns on her that in refusing to pander to the public's transient and pointless whims, her career is effectively over)
(The lights dim to near-blackness and blood starts running down the walls because it's cutting-edge. Julia "I have a certain respect for people in wheelchairs" Davis enters, sucking the brains out of a dead baby to the tune of "It's A Kind Of Magic")
Julia Davis playing Lady Macbeth: Ooh, look at me, I'm the Simone de Beauvoir of comedy! Look, watch, I'm dancing - WITH A CRIPPLE!!!
(Sure enough, she is. The audience doesn't react because there isn't one. Meanwhile, outside the studio, a sign reading "No admittance - audience laughter is prohibited because it's unfashionable and gay" hangs nonchalently from the outside door, swinging tragically in the cold winter's breeze)
Julia Nice Tits: And for my next trick, I'm going to list all the offensive things which I can think of in the world! Let's see, I think I'll start with the letter 'A'. Hmm...anal cancer, anal sex, animal sex, animal CRUELTY, Aberdeen, Amarantine...um...Amanda Barrie...
Christ Morris: (is sitting at a table in the far corner of the studio, planning world domination, scrawling jokes about diseased foetuses onto a crumpled piece of paper, using a feather quill dipped in ink made from the blood of a thousand virgins. He looks up from his satirical masterpiece for a single fleeting moment, to be met with the sight of Julia Davis as she gracelessly flounders in front of a camera, desperately trying to think of something dark which begins with the letter 'X')
(Months later...cut to: every home in the UK. Families are gathered around their respective tv sets as they sit in nervous anticipation, waiting with quiet yet palpable awe for the programme to begin which has been proclaimed "the most side-splittingly funny thing you will ever see in your entire life, bar none" by Alison "look at the way my nose almost devours my fucking gob or is it the other way around" Graham)
Continuity announcer: And now on BBC3, the first ever episode of the hit cult dark comedy "Liver Disease", written by and starring Chris Morris and Julia Davis. It's absolute genius, and anyone who disagrees with me will get a fucking petrol bomb through their window.
(The stupid gormless BBC3 blobs which represent multiculturalism or respect or some gay thing like that disappear, and the programme starts)
Julia Davis, playing a small child: I have HIV in the bum.
(Davis, still playing a small child, either that or it's a midget on stilts, starts running around the desolate council estate against which the whole fucking farce is played out, allowing her and Morris to conjour up a sense of pain and sadness so hilarious that we'll all piss ourselves at their Sheer. Fucking. Audacity.)
Davis: Oh no, they're coming again!
(Suddenly, from off screen appear a motley bunch of personified taboos played by anyone who's a cunt in the industry)
That Twat Out Of Fucking Green Wing, playing 'Cancer': I'm going to get you, little girl! (chases Davis across the road, stepping on glass, old cigarette butts and used condoms as he does so. Instead of focusing on what's going on, the decision is made that we are too stupid to notice the symbolic litter, and so the cameraman performs an extreme close-up, allowing us to view from a fucking ant's perspective the beautiful and poignant sight of a cum-soaked prophylactic. Yum yum.)
Christ Morris: (stops to utter his line. The entire cast and crew stop dead in their tracks to watch the genius at work. He clears his throat) Paedophilia is hilarious. (chases Davis down the street as thunder and lightning boom and crack in a way that is chilling yet brilliantly understated and, of course, excruciatingly funny in a post-Pavlovian sense, only to realise that he is actually chasing his own huge, over-inflated ego as it threatens to annihilate the entire fucking planet)
The Nation: (scrawl "Liver Disease on DVD" on their Christmas lists, still shitting themselves laughing over the inherent self-proclaimed genius of it all)
Dan: (reacts so much that he inadvertently falls off his seat and dies)
*Lucas and Walliams, doing a [v]: The act of writing critically-acclaimed sketch comedy which, far from being even mildly amusing, succeeds only in perpetuating dangerous social/racial/sexual/gender stereotypes, taking the absolute piss out of homosexuals, the working class and the disabled with utter contempt for anyone's feelings, and furnishing its creators with ridiculous amounts of fame and fortune when all they bothered to do was bedeck six hollow little jokes in an infinite fucking number of differently-coloured shirts.
