daddy monologue - Writers Forum

kalibantre · 03-02-2006, 07:28 AM

Author's Note:

thanks for the help guys, really appreciated it

ross · 03-02-2006, 08:32 AM

What makes this work is the strength and clarity of the voice. It's very readable and has a driving focus about it - almost an obsessive edge. You could easily imagine the MC striking out in some way to either gain recognition or make some sort of emotional point.

Comments I would make (and please take these in the spirit they're intended.)

Quote:

overheard two girls yesterday, complaining about how this other girl, Rhiannon, was such a bitch and that they’d never seen this side of her. The fact that these changes in her personality were the result of a fledgling relationship with a boy, seemed only to add insult to the injury they had already received. This girl was now forever changed in their hearts; Rhiannon wasn’t who her friends thought she was. I guess there comes a time in everyone’s life when they realise that those they look up to aren’t all that they seem. Masks can only be held up so long, eventually they slip and while those masks can fall many times and no one will notice, once, and once is all it takes, someone will see. See the humanity that is hidden within you.

I do like and see the purpose of this section but it felt a little long; to me at least. It's there to help draw an analogy but to use almost a fifth of your word count up here might seem excessive to some.
I also think it's a bit matter-of-fact as far as openings go. It's general and dismissive due to the conversational style. It doesn't grab you and make you want to read more.

Quote:

Daddy wasn’t just my father. He was a man, he was human, he made mistakes and he had regrets.

I like this as an opening better.

Quote:

See the humanity that is hidden within you. My own was left wide open

your own humanity was left wide open?

Quote:

When my boyfriend left me, he thought I was going to want to cry on his shoulder, to bawl my eyes out, and that he wouldn’t know what to say to me; his little girl, his baby.

There's a lot of punctuation going on here although I'm not sure any of it's wrong. It just feels a lttle unwieldy.

Quote:

I remember daddy rushing over to me, picking me up and taking the bag from my grazed hands and checking on his beloved contraption

a bit predictable - the second I read you got to hold the camera I knew that was coming. A different spin on that idea, or a twist of sorts woud have been nice.

Having said all that. Nicely written with good use of language and characters. Your voice was strong throughout and your best asset throughout.
Post more please!

mjk · 03-04-2006, 05:49 PM

very powerful monologue. now, i tried to write a monologue last semester and failed at it miserably, so please take that into account.

what i read here is a very strong voice. you've nailed that as well as the narration style.

what i'm less than thrilled with is your opening. i fail to see how it relates to the narrator's reflections on family. wait, no, i do see how it relates, about the masks people wear, but i think the opening about the girls bitching about rhiannon doesn't transition smoothly. i'm not going to suggest anything, as i know you can come up with something much better than me. BUT, also keep in mind that i have no idea what i'm talking about and if the opening transitions smoothly for you, stick with it.

love the image of huddling against the wardrobe.

Quote:

He never held her, he saw her only once, in a white casket similar to the one he first saw me in.

this confuses me a tad. because the elusive daughter was fifteen when she died. why is the narrator in a white casket similar to hers? are you talking about a baby crib? see, i'm just confused.

Quote:

I don’t think it’s possible to truly hate the person that gave you life.

that=who

excellent ending. i guess it could be seen as a tad cliche, but i think it works well here, especially considering the strength of the narrator's voice. i think everything else is kinda blown out of the water by that, know what i mean? thanks for the evocative read, kitty.

kalibantre · 03-04-2006, 05:54 PM

Thank you. the casket I was refferring to was the crib he say the baby in when she was born, and the coffin he would have seen his lost daughter in.

I know the start need work, I hate it but it was a dig at some people in class. rhiannon being one of my best mates who had recently had a lot of people bitching about her.