Death of Rhyme - Writers Forum

Poe-et · 09-05-2005, 08:01 PM

I'm thinking about this for an intro to a horror/thriller.

Death of Rhyme

EXT. RHYME- DAY

You see dark woods and a town in the distance.

ANA (V.O.)
Ring around the Rosie.

In the town, the old shops are rusted over with age. Black rose petals are strewn across the streets.

ANA cont’d (V.O.)
Pocket full of posies.

SFX: Another child, a boy, gasps in sickness.

The faint image of swollen, redened eyes is spliced on top of the view of the town. A dead body can be seen through a window, laying on a bed. The bed is covered in black rose petals.

ANA cont’d (V.O.)
Ashes, ashes,

You see a barn that has been destroyed by fire.

SFX: Creaking of a door

ANA cont’d (V.O)
we all fall down.

SFX: The door slams shut.

INT. ANDRE'S PORCH- DAY

The screened porch is in need of repair, but clean and neat. ANA (7) sits in the floor, just inside the door. She has pure white hair, a dirty face, and deep, "knowing" eyes.

ANDRE (40) comes through the kitchen door, with a slopping-over cup of coffee in one hand. He is black. He has long, stringy hair, a goatee, and wears only a bathrobe and jeans.

ANDRE
What the…?

He spots Ana, and gives a start.

mammamaia · 09-06-2005, 08:18 AM

many major/minor problems here, with style/format...

i don't help with work that has violent content, but see my offer in your other post, if you just want some help learning how to write screenplays in general...

hugs, m

Poe-et · 09-06-2005, 10:51 AM

In terms of style, what were my main problems?

mammamaia · 09-06-2005, 11:16 AM

...taking it from the bottom:

Quote:

INT. Andre’s house, Dawn

...should be:

INT. ANDRE'S HOUSE - DAY

...BUT... where in the house is it?... or, is this a one-room cabin?... should really be 'ANDRE'S KITCHEN' or whatever... next, only day or night are needed in slug line... if some part of either is vital to the plot, it goes in the setting description that should follow... which, in this case, is missing... see next correction...

Quote:

ANA is a girl, who looks about seven, with snow white hair. Her face is dirty, but her eyes are deep and knowing. She seems to know only two tones of expression: soft and firm. Softly, she sits in a disheveled fasion in Andre’s screened-in porch. ANDRE is a New Orleans man. He’s poor,and lives alone, but he has a new girl over every night. He has hair to his soulders, and a sould patch on his chin. Andre swings open the door. He is clad in a black bathrobe, and brown pants. He sloppily carries a cup of coffee.

...first of all, as noted above, where in andre's house IS this?... you go through a lot of novelish gluck before we find out it's the porch... aside from the spelling goofs, and other stuff you should have caught with a good proofread [what's a 'sould patch'?], most of what you've written there doesn't belong in a script... much of what does, isn't clear enough... rule of thumb is, if we can't see or hear it, don't write it!... here's what should have been written here, from the slug line on:

Quote:

INT. ANDRE'S PORCH - DAY

The screened porch is in need of repair, but clean and neat. ANA (7) slumps in a rickety rocker. She has pure white hair, a dirty face, and deep, "knowing" eyes.

ANDRE (40-ish) comes through the kitchen door, with a slopping-over cup of coffee in one hand. He has long, stringy hair, a goatee, and wears only a bathrobe and jeans.

...see the diff?... all the back story stuff you tossed in there has to be gotten across to the audience either by what they SEE or what they HEAR... you need to keep in mind the fact that the audience is not going to be reading your script... if you have any questions about the sample or whatever, lay 'em on me... hugs, m

Poe-et · 09-06-2005, 01:57 PM

THANK YOU! I've been needing some help. I'll work on this, then post it again. Thanx!

Poe-et · 09-06-2005, 02:10 PM

Tell me if this is any better.

mammamaia · 09-06-2005, 02:24 PM

you have him 'giving a start' AFTER he says, "What the...?"... makes no sense... and you say he's black but don't mention race of girl... does it matter in his case, but not in her case?

i only dealt with that last little part... the rest is mostly wrong... since this is a violent-content work, i can't help you with it any further... if you want to learn how to write and format a script properly, email me with something from a violence-free screenplay and i'll be glad to show you...

hugs, maia

Poe-et · 09-06-2005, 03:48 PM

Its not violent, its about the black plague... a sickness. I just hadn't got there yet. Okay, I'll email you.

mammamaia · 09-06-2005, 04:00 PM

sorry... i assumed 'horror' meant something man-caused... it's best to do this by email, though, 'cause i can't add notes here the way i can 'at home'... send me the logline and synopsis and first 9 script pages for openers...

script in final draft, if you have it... rtf, if not... m