INT. Insert any background here.
VICKY
I have this extra spork. Do you want it?
JENNIFER
Umm...no.
VICKY
Hey, let's play the Poking Game!
JENNIFER
Not THAT again! Remember what happened last time?
VICKY
No.
JENNIFER
Poor Amy had to get a spleen transplant 'cause--
VICKY
Poke! (pokes the spork into JENNIFER's eye)
The SPORK makes a squishing noise and stays there.
VICKY
I win!
JENNIFER
Um... I'm now blind in one eye?
VICKY
Ah! I call it art!
JENNIFER
I call it pain.
VICKY
It shall be part of my sculpture collection!
JENNIFER
But I'm not a sculpture!
VICKY
I will call it... Oedipus Reloaded!
JENNIFER
But Oedipus was blinded with a brooch!
VICKY
Hmmm...I think I have a brooch somewhere....
JENNIFER
Don't... you... dare....
VICKY
Oh well, I left it at home.
JENNIFER
Helloooo...? I'm suffering here? I need medical attention?
VICKY
Did I hear something?
JENNIFER
Horrible suffering? Pain?
VICKY
So?
JENNIFER
I need a doctor!
DOCTOR WILSON runs in.
DOCTOR WILSON
Did somebody ask for a Doctor?
JENNIFER
Over here.
DOCTOR WILSON
(stares) I have very bad news....
JENNIFER
Ahhh! I'm gonna die!
DOCTOR WILSON
Well, no. You forgot to comb your hair.
JENNIFER
What kind of a doctor are you?
DOCTOR WILSON
Doctor is just my first name.
JENNIFER
Argh! My vitreous humor hurts.
VICKY
And?
JENNIFER
(sarcastic) How humorous.
The BAD PUN FAIRY appears in a puff of smoke. She has a cardboard wand with a horrible pink star on top and cardboard wings that are obviously duct-taped on.
BAD PUN FAIRY
I am the bad pun fairy! And you made an awful pun! So I will be taking you to Bad Pun Land!!!
VICKY
The yelling! It burns!
BAD PUN FAIRY
How rude!!!
JENNIFER
Can you... erm... take this spork out of my eye?
BAD PUN FAIRY
Of course!!! (waves her wand so furiously the star falls off)
JENNIFER
MY EYE WORKS AGAIN!
VICKY
And I'm a real boy!
JENNIFER
And I thought Vicky was a girl's name.
VICKY
(obviously making it up) Umm... it's short for... er... Victor.
BAD PUN FAIRY
Oh, yeah! And I must be taking Victor to Psychiatrist Land!!!
VICKY
NOOOOOO! Not the psychiatrist!!! The horror! (5-second pause) My name isn't Victor.
BAD PUN FAIRY
I still get to take Jennifer to Bad Pun Land!!! We will be walking there, because my wings are obviously duct-taped on! It's at least five thousand miles!
VICKY
Hey, wait, can't you teleport there? You know, the whole puff-of-smoke thing?
BAD PUN FAIRY
That was just a plot hole! Jennifer and I'll have to walk!!!
JENNIFER
(lying) I'm not Jennifer! It's... uh...Jeff.
BAD PUN FAIRY
You two still get prizes, though!!!
JENNIFER and VICKY
Yay!
The BAD PUN FAIRY waves her now starless wand and makes two random things appear out of thin air. JENNIFER gets a briefcase full of hundred dollar bills, and VICKY gets a bowl of chili.
JENNIFER
Oh joy! A briefcase full of hundred dollar bills!
VICKY
Oh joy! Chili!
BAD PUN FAIRY
Oh, yeah! Since your name is Vicky and not Victor, you get to go to Infinite Supply of Beef Jerky Land for demonstrating the use of a flamethrower to kindergarteners!!!
VICKY
YAY! Crime does pay after all!
JENNIFER
I love these feel-good endings.
THE END!
-----
Don't try this at home.
Nobody was hurt in the making of this script.
Jennifer, I'm sorry if you were insulted. I just HAD to have a spork injury in there.
Vicky, you are probably not insulted at all.
Amy, I also HAD to have spleen damage. Everybody loves spleens.
I apologize for the (almost) complete lack of male characters. I'm not sure what Dr. Wilson's gender is.
