hcatlin

Here is a short little monologue I wrote... praise and constructive criticism only!

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"ARRRRRRRRGH" -<i>anonymous pirate</i>

Vixen

Sounds like you have enough of a begining here to make this longer. I wouldn't mind if he went into the story of her, a long story with just as much emotional range, and then informed us that was only the five minutes for lost loves.

Ralizah

DIS SUCKS I HATE YOU GO DIE LOL!!11

Oh, crap, that's not allowed.
Well then, allow me to elaborate on this just a tad more:

"Life is so… busy. Life just is flying past us, trying to confuse us and it makes us get lost. We forget where we stand. Have you ever tried to just sit in a dark room. A friend once dared me to do it. Said he read it in some Buddhist book or something. Sit in the dark for 30 minutes. You see, its not hard. I mean, it’s not difficult. But your mind just keeps on crunching away. I spent 3 minutes of the time trying to make a grocery list in my mind. I spent 5 minutes thinking of past lovers. Feeling anger, doubt, and regret---- I spent another 6 trying to repress the loneliness I felt. Its when we sit in the dark we think of what we worship… our obsessions. What we live for is what comes to our minds. It’s an exercise to see just how fucking stupid we are. What’s wrong with us? What the hell is wrong? Why can’t we see what we’re doing? Why can’t we see what’s important?!!…….. I’m sorry. I just miss her. I miss feeling the heat of her body against mine. Holding my face against her neck. I miss her smell. I miss her laugh… I miss her. Don’t forget the ones you love. Don’t forget! Nothing is worth the cost of losing one you love. "

Alright. First thing: Paragraphs. This needs to be broken up somehow, unless you're purposefully trying to portray how muddled and collectively random human thoughts are.

If you'd not mind, I'd like to examine each part of it seperately.

"Life is so… busy. Life just is flying past us, trying to confuse us and it makes us get lost. We forget where we stand."

This is a great opening. The only thing I can recommend is to change "Life just is flying past us," to "Life is just flying past us." It sounded rather stilted the way it was before.

"Have you ever tried to just sit in a dark room. A friend once dared me to do it. Said he read it in some Buddhist book or something. Sit in the dark for 30 minutes. You see, its not hard. I mean, it’s not difficult. But your mind just keeps on crunching away."

Okay, first off, "crunching away" sounds odd. Might I suggest using another word to describe it? I think if his mind keeps going to other things constantly, then "running off" would be a good substitution for "crunching away."

Otherwise, progression seems pretty good so far.

"I spent 3 minutes of the time trying to make a grocery list in my mind. I spent 5 minutes thinking of past lovers. Feeling anger, doubt, and regret---- I spent another 6 trying to repress the loneliness I felt."

The words "I spent" get rather repetitive in this section. Second off, using words for numbers instead of numbers works better with small numbers. Like "three" instead of "3." Also, a few words seem out of place. (Though it is still nice pacing)

Might I suggest something more like the following:

"I spent three minutes of the time trying to make a grocery list within my mind. Afterwards, five minutes were devoted to thinking of past lovers; Feeling anger, doubt, and regret---- for another six I tried to repress the loneliness I felt."


"Its when we sit in the dark we think of what we worship… our obsessions. What we live for is what comes to our minds. It’s an exercise to see just how fucking stupid we are."

'Its' should be 'It's'
This isn't a bad segment. It's building up nicely.

"What’s wrong with us? What the hell is wrong? Why can’t we see what we’re doing? Why can’t we see what’s important?!!…….. "

That last part looks awkward. Maybe just a "?!" would suffice?

"I’m sorry. I just miss her. I miss feeling the heat of her body against mine. Holding my face against her neck. I miss her smell. I miss her laugh… I miss her. "

This was kind of random, but it's still nice. The only thing I can suggest is to fix up the last 'miss her' statement. Maybe: "I really do miss her." It comes off nicer, in my opinion.


"Don’t forget the ones you love. Don’t forget! Nothing is worth the cost of losing one you love. "

This is a nice ending.

I agree with Vixen, though, try to spead this out a little more. Otherwise, I like it.

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Thoughts: Philosophy is the basis of human morality and thus it is also the basis of human life; loving life is a result of applying a healthy philosophy.

Vixen

you might want to try using the

tool next time Ralizah. I agree on your critique (except that first line of course)

penny

Good work here.
Gold mine of an idea.
The only thing I could offer, as a suggestion, would be to help us by setting the 'stage' for us. What in our minds eye do you want us to see while we read the monologue?
You have a plethora of material-strings here that can be expanded on and I know you as a writer have more to give. I don't know if that makes sense. I like plays that swing the audience around the barn to bring us back to some surprising point, just to start another string. (Sheppard's plays come to mind.)
Vixens great comment on time -really is the 'hook' in this. Open this up for us.
I get you are an actor, as well. Is there a 60 minute one person play here? Great job! Thanks

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It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.

Ralizah

I would have used it, but I wasn't quoting him. I was giving criteria on his piece. So therefore I wasn't quoting.
Just a personal thing. ^^;
LOL I don't agree with the first line either

And sorry for taking this off-topic.

__________________
Thoughts: Philosophy is the basis of human morality and thus it is also the basis of human life; loving life is a result of applying a healthy philosophy.

silverwriter

I think you did a good job and have something going for you here. I would just break things up and expand a little. When you've got it, use it!

brockDXD

I think it was good, and that Ralizah was quite critical. Of course anything written in these forums will generally be drafts, kind of rough sketches on a pad so i think we should allow for grammatical errors. I know a majority of my time on these forums is in the late (more like early) hours of the night/morning so im not gonna worry too much about whether or not all the Ts are dotted and the Is are crossed. We arent looking to get our stuff published right here and now on this very forum so i think lay off the small errors.

Other than that the criticisms were mostly positive. I did however prefer his mind to be crunching away rather than running away but i guess its personal preference, everybodies tastes are different.

In conclusion, i would like to say i really enjoyed this sneak peek into something potentially great.

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I look at the man in the mirror with clenched fists,
And wonder if he'd look better with slit wrists...

kerpoe

THIS SUX!! JK!!!!

actually it is quite good, just needs to organized in paragraphs and continued. I LOVE IT!

KERpoe

Dexnell

This was a good read. i even tried acting it out. Nice choice of words. Needs to be longer though, just to short.

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Poetry is the art, in which total control is given towards a small mass of words. It is the power of God in a pen. - Dexnell Peters