Thread: Interview your character about YOU, the author

One method of developing a character is to interview them. I did this exercise in a fiction-writing class and it really helped. Since the subject of developing characters has come up now and again on WF I thought I'd post it as a challenge and let people here have fun with it.

The idea is to interview your character about you, their author, using a third-party interviewer. Get their opinions, let them complain, and observe any small mannerisims.

And have fun!

I'll post the one I did for class...

Interview with Walter “Polka Man” Orrinowski


Polka Man and the Interviewer seat themselves in two cushy chairs. Polka Man is hesitant to sit down, brushing at the seat of his ancient khakis before gingerly seating his spare frame. He places the faded cloth cap that he removed upon entering the building on his knee.

Lapel microphones are attached and adjusted, a cup of water placed by Polka Man’s side on a small table.

(Interviewer): Walter…or should I call you Polka Man?…
(Polka Man): Just don’t call me late for dinner! no, no…Polka Man is fine.

(Interviewer): Polka Man, Let’s first just give everyone a quick run-down of who you are. You’re a retiree from the mill and you live with your wife and dog in a small Appalachian town, is that correct?

(PolkaMan): Yes, yes, it is.

(Interviewer): Let’s talk a little bit about Foxee, your ‘creator’ I guess you’d say. Why do you think that she created your character?
(PolkaMan): Well, it’s like this. Foxee needed a character for some school assignment and I’m always willing to help out a neighbor. And I might be seventy years old but she’s cute and I’m not dead yet!

(Interviewer): And so she only created you for the assignment?
(PolkaMan): Well, she had in mind to create me for some time but didn’t really have a project to write me into. You see, when she came out onto her porch on summer evenings she’d hear my polka music coming half a block before my station wagon did. I’d be rolling back from a top-secret visit to the local bar. My wife don’t know that I go, she don’t allow me to drink. Foxee said she thought it was an ice-cream truck comin’.

(Interviewer): How is Foxee as a neighbor?
(PolkaMan): Weeellll…

(Interviewer): It’s okay, PolkaMan, we’re looking for the truth, don’t be afraid to tell us about it.
(PolkaMan): She’s kinda distant. I think it’s a by-product of big city life before she moved out here. She keeps herself to herself. She’s better, now, I want to say that right out. She knows how to accept a zucchini as a sign of neighborliness, even if she doesn’t need it.

(Interviewer): But?
(PolkaMan): She just doesn’t think. Doesn’t keep up with who had surgery, who’s parent or child is in a bad way, doesn’t send a sympathy card. Doesn’t make it to the town meetings. She doesn’t have the sense of community. Well, she ain’t the only one, lots of our newer neighbors don’t understand community. Taking care of each other.

(Interviewer): You say she hasn’t written you into any of her projects yet, that this assignment was the catalyst to create you. Do you think that your character will ever be used?
(PolkaMan): Oh probably. Why not? She says it’s just a matter of the right project at the right time and then I’ll be famous. I wouldn’t know what to do if that happened!

(Interviewer): Have you spoken with any of her other characters?
(PolkaMan): Well, there aren’t that many of us, you know. There’s three that are based on her own personality. Two of them have been written in a lot for her little pieces posted on internet forums. Waste of time if you ask me.

(Interviewer): Did they paint you a picture of how Foxee treats them in her writing?
(PolkaMan): Well, the girls are smarter than me, I’m sure. Both of them agree that she can be rough on ‘em. They’re sent from peril to peril and both of them do their own stunts. Like Jackie Chan. You like Jackie Chan?

(Interviewer): Of course. But let’s just stick with the subject. Tell me more about how she treats them.
(PolkaMan): Well, another word that the girls used a lot was ‘bizarre’. Foxee’s storylines seem to flow out best when there is a weird bent to them. One of the girls said it was…uh… …surreal! Yeah, surreal. That’s it. Sometimes they don’t know which reality or time they’re in. Occasionally they’re even in someone else’s head! The one girl, uh, the alter-ego one I think, complained that Foxee can…uh… “Lapse into melodrama.” I think that’s what she said.

(Interviewer): Interesting…very interesting. Well, Mr. Polka Man, let me just thank you for meeting with us today. I understand you don’t travel much…
(PolkaMan): Can’t really see the sense in it, with the price of gas and all…

(Interviewer): …so it’s been a real pleasure to talk to you today. Thanks on the behalf of F2K for giving us a verbal picture of your creator, Foxee.
(PolkaMan): You’re very welcome. And before I go, just want to say that my wife and Mitzie, my Yorkie, both send their respects. I’d be in real trouble if I didn’t do that!

(Interviewer): Thank you for that. Safe drive home, Polka Man.

Fade in music. The two men shake hands, the interviewer tall and straight and Polka Man slight and stooped. Music up as they walk from the set.

This looks interesting, so I think I'll give it a shot.

Interviwe with Magister Ahser (Fayette)

The Interviewer and Magister Ahser sit facing each other in two black leather couches. The Magister plays with the hem of his sleeves, a bit nervous about the interview and the fact that Herlief is not present.

(Interviewer): Magister Ahser, right?
(Fayette): Uh, yes, but I don't like to be called that. Please call me Fayette.

(Interviewer): Ok, Fayette. Would you please explain your character a bit?
(Fayette): Sure, you see, I'm the reincarnation of an ancient God named Ahser, and my job is to give the humanity hope that there's really something beyond them but that is also close.

(Interviewer): Does this reincarnation thing happen often?
(Fayette): Ummm, about every few hundred years or so. I'm not the only one, there had been others before me, and there will be many more after me.

(Interviewer): I see. So, what are your thoughts about your author or 'creator'?
(Fayette): Mmmm, well she's nice, but I wish she hadn't given me such characterization.

(Interviewer): What do you mean?
(Fayette): Like... because I'm a Magister, I have to fulfill a lot of expectatives, and that's hard because of my age.

(Interviewer): Ok, and what do you think about the other characters?
(Fayette): Well, the one I interact with the most is Herlief, he's hard to write on paper because he hides a lot of things, but underneath he's really nice. He changes a lot by the end of the story , but I don't want to spoil it. *laughs*

(Interviewer): *laughs* Tell me, what do you think about your character and your place in the story?
(Fayette): I like myself, thank you very much *laughs* but seriously, I think the story is a bit about change and adapting yourself to the situation, I know my author didn't intend it to be that way on purpose though.

(Interviewer): Then why did she write you and the rest of the characters?
(Fayette): Originally she wanted to write a longer story with a larger cast, but she still wanted to have a bit more of experience with the new world she wanted to make, so she decided to write a bunch of short stories and afterwards go onto the big project.

(Interviewer): So this will be your one and only appearance?
(Fayette): I hope not! *laughs* I'll probably be mentioned once or twice, but just between us, *whisper* I think she likes me enough to make a cameo on another story.

(Interviewer): And what do you think about her stories?
(Fayette): Well, I can't think wrongly of them because I'm one of her creations after all but, I think she could do a lot better. I think one of the reasons is because she doesn't write in her first laguage, so she tries too hard sometimes and it comes out the other way around.

(Interviewer): And why doesn't she write in her first language?
(Fayette): Honestly, I have no idea...

(Interviewer): I see, but tell me, what are your overall thoughs about your author? How does she treat you? What is she all about?
(Fayette): Well, uh... she's a bit lazy to tell the truth, ok very lazy, but, when she does write I'm glad that she puts her heart into it. As far as I know, she loves me and the rest of the characters very much, even the ones she claims to hate *chuckle* Uh, people tend to think she's a mean person on first sight, but people who really know her know better than that, she just has a strong character *laughs*

(Interviewer): Hmm, does she like writing?
(Fayette): Well, she does, but she's not looking for a career in it, any idiot can write. She does it for enjoyment, and for her the best reward she can have is someone enjoying her story, or so she's told me.

(Interviewer): I see. Well, thank a lot for this interview, Fayette. I hope we'll see you soon.
(Fayette): Thank you for this opportunity. Bye.

Fayette stands to shake hands with the Interviewer, then leaves.

I liked that, Kyrie! I didn't know that you don't write in your first language. I, too, am curious why...and I'm very impressed that you can write in any language other than your first language!

Did you find out anything about Fayette that you didn't already know?

I did this seven years ago for an English magazine in Mexico. Except it was me being "interviewed" Well, actually "Cabo Bob" who is the author of my book. How multi-level can it get?


INTERVIEW WITH CABO BOB



MYISLA: So, you're the author of "Mexican Slang 101," the best-selling book in Mazatlan?

CABO BOB: That's what this interview is all about, isn't it?

MYISLA: Well, yes. I take it "Bob" isn't your real name?

CABO BOB: No.

MYISLA: Ah. Well. Why "Cabo Bob"?

CABO BOB: I originally did the book in Cabo San Lucas.

MYISLA: Well, why "Bob"?

CABO BOB: "Cabo Seymour" was already taken.

MYISLA: Can you help me out a little bit here?

CABO BOB: Okay. Sorry. I'm always cranky this time of day.

MYISLA: This time?

CABO BOB: Day time. Anyway, I thought the book needed a catchy personality, and since I have a really dorky name myself, I used the title of a novel I was working on at the time called, can you guess..."The CABO BOB"

MYISLA: And why.....?

CABO BOB: Here we go again, huh? No, I will reveal to you the Origins of Cabo Bob. We used to live on the beach there before there were all the hotels...before there were ANY condos. Various hippies, smugglers, yachties, international nogoodniks. And we noticed this phenomenon in the little palapa bars on the beach. You'd be sitting there, minding your own business, drinking margaritas and what-not, and suddenly your head would just nod down on your chest. That would wake you up, and you'd pop your head into it's full upright position, but then you'd just start nodding out again. Pretty soon, you'd get into a rhythm. Maybe there'd be a whole table full of people doing it at once, like The Wave. That was the original Cabo Bob.

MYISLA: I see. Well, that's really....disappointing.

CABO BOB: Tell me about it. But from those sordid beginnings, Cabo Bob went on to become the leading perpetrator of Mexican Slang education. An international superstar of obscure jargon.

MYISLA: Yes. Thanks for the official "Cabo Bob" T-shirt, by the way. But I think it's too small.

CABO BOB: Oh not at all, it looks perfect. Did you read the book?

MYISLA: Well, of course. That is, I probably didn't read ALL of it.

CABO BOB: But you recall the term, "chichona"?

MYISLA: I can't say that I do. There are a lot of words....

CABO BOB: That's the one for you. Look it up later.

MYISLA: I think I'd better. Anyway, where did you learn all of these slang terms?

CABO BOB: Mostly in the gutter and jailhouse. This is not stuff mentioned in classes or phrase books. That's kind of the point.

MYISLA: Lets not get into which particular jails or gutters. But why did you decide to collect these words into a book?

CABO BOB: I'm only in it for the money, baby. Seriously, people used to ask me about things they'd hear me say--particularly at meetings of the Tijuana Bi-Cultural League. So I started doing little xerox lists for friends, and pretty soon the list was getting pretty long and expensive to copy, so I made it into a book to try to make a profit instead of paying for the privilege or educating my fellow gringos.

MYISLA: So what do you think about the book's reputation as a potty-mouth primer?

CABO BOB: I'm glad you asked me that.

MYISLA: Well, you told me to.

CABO BOB: Really? Clever. Must have been last night.

MYISLA: Listen, last night was a mistake. I never do things like that, normally.

CABO BOB: You call that "normally"? Man, I thought I was kinky. Anyway, the idea that "Slang 101" is just a bunch of dirty words and drug terminology is inaccurate. You look at the "Contents" page and you'll see there are 10 chapters, of which "Sex, Drugs, and Rock'n'Roll" is only one. The other nine are most cultural education, really. I should teach this stuff in college.

MYISLA: Maybe if Spring Break was an academic discipline.

CABO BOB: Discipline? Hey, that reminds me...

MYISLA: No more about last night! What do you mean by "cultural"? I can't wait to hear this.

CABO BOB: Well, slang is really about culture, isn't it? REAL culture, the way people really live and think and relate. Now just to mention a few of the many precious gems of wisdom in my book, you noticed how "padre" means "cool", but "madre" has all these negative connotations, not even a polite word to say in certain contexts?

MYISLA: Well, like I said, I didn't....

CABO BOB: Oh, man. Well, anyway, it does. And what does that say about a culture? What does it mean, culturally speaking, that a woman calls her husband "mi hijo" and her son "papi"?

MYISLA: I don't know, what?

CABO BOB: Well, it's meaningful, see? These are the sorts of things sociologists go nuts over.

MYISLA: But you have to admit that there is a lot of sexual terminology mentioned.

CABO BOB: You only read that one chapter, didn't you?

MYISLA: Look, I'm supposed to be asking the questions here.

CABO BOB: Why? I didn't even want to do this dumbass interview.

MYISLA: You did too. You want the publicity so you can sell more of your nasty book.

CABO BOB: Nice talk for somebody who can't even read an 80 page booklet. But as I recall it was YOU who wanted to do this charade so you could put it on a website and break in to writing book reviews for newspapers back in Bumbumper, Iowa or wherever you come from.

MYISLA: I came from Liverpool, actually.

CABO BOB: One of those hick towns, anyway.

MYISLA: Amazing. Anyway, if your main interest is sociology and cultural enlightenment, why didn't you censor the stronger "bad words."

CABO BOB: So people will know what not to say.

MYISLA: That's so pathetic I can't even laugh at it.

CABO BOB: No, it's true. You HEAR these words on the street. If you'd actually done your homework instead of spending the evening at my place with your chains and whipped cream and trained chihuahuas...

MYISLA: That is NOT TRUE!

CABO BOB: I didn't think they were trained. I don't know if you even can train something with such a small brain.

MYISLA: I don't HAVE chihuahuas or chains or....

CABO BOB: Hey, you were the one who didn't want to get into all this. Anyway, if you'd read the book, you'd have noticed that when I introduce such words, I generally say something like, "the correct expression is 'penis', but you might hear people say this or that in public, but DON'T say this word in front of anybody's granny." It's a public service, really.

MYISLA: So you say you're not just pandering to prurient tastes?

CABO BOB: Yours, apparently. Most people read the rest of the book, which is mostly about words you hear in sports or families or dating, or just hanging out. People like to know how to say "cool" and "pound some brews" and "I do this gig for the bread" in another language. That's what I mean about educational.

MYISLA: What about drug terms? Is this the image of Mexico you want to promote?

CABO BOB: It's all just for fun. What, you think people read a word and suddenly go out to score drugs? Lots of those terms for marijuana and what-not aren't even really used much, but they're fun. Same way with some of the synonyms for having sex--it's just fun to hear it called "feeding the monkey" or "checking her oil". The three goals of "Mexican Slang 101": entertainment, education, and induced depravity.

MYISLA: I give up. Oh, wait, I was supposed to ask you about the cover art. Is it a rip-off of the "Day of the Dead" skeletons?

CABO BOB: I guess. It as done for me by Jessica Kreager, a very fine painter from Seattle, who used to be known for a "punk" sensibility. I thought skeletons were the perfect image to reflect Mexico and appeal to student-aged travelers.

MYISLA: Well, speaking as a student-aged traveler...

CABO BOB: Who's thirty-five, doesn't speak Spanish and doesn't read books.

MYISLA: I think that's about enough of this crap.

CABO BOB: Amen, sister. I could use an eye-opener myself. Maybe a little hair of chihuahua.

MYISLA: I TOLD you not.....

CABO BOB: Oh, and don't forget to mention that my new book will be collection of Mexican jokes.

MYISLA: Wonderful. I'm out of here.

CABO BOB Nos vemos, guapa. (Translation on page 2)

lin, I laughed my ass off with your interview, very funny. I can kinda understand your point there (I'm sick of hearing gringos say "Quiero tacos, pendejo" and laugh their ass off, although it's pretty funny when they fall off the second floor bar)

Originally Posted by Foxee

I liked that, Kyrie! I didn't know that you don't write in your first language. I, too, am curious why...and I'm very impressed that you can write in any language other than your first language!

Did you find out anything about Fayette that you didn't already know?

Thanks for the compliment ^^ I write in english for personal reasons, but mainly because it's more of a challenge.

And yes, I found a lot of things about Fayette I hadn't known until know. This is a very usefull exercize, thanks Foxee~

Sounds like we've been by some of the same places, Kyrie. You live in Puerto Springbreako?

I live in Tijuana, in a little place called Playas, where can actually "see" the end of the border. The literal corner of the country.

Hilarious. I was living in Cinco Esquinas from May through December, went to Playas almost every day, played with the drummers in Lat32 Sunday nights. I've lived in TJ (20 d Noviembre) & Rosarito several times, also San Dago.

You a chilanga? Or a real cachanilla?

Do any writing about the border? I just finished a fronteriza novel.

Just for the record, nobody says cachanilla anymore, but yeah, born and raised in the lovely state of Baja California.

And I did write something about the border, but it got lost when my last computer fried...(I guess I could try rewriting it if you want to read it)

(Okay I’m going to interview Wolfkin from the Midas Hierarchy and the interviewer (as much as I’d love to make it Tyen-shi) shall be Fionn from yet to be titled. I hope this is okay)

Wolfkin walks in, several Tyen-shi soldiers can be seen lying crumpled in the wings of the set, Tsaeb, Nayr, Kioah, Shanther are all standing to the side. Wolfkin takes a seat chucking her guns on the interview table before the lights go on.

Fionn: *eyeing guns* Miss Ziadia Wrath, I presume?
Wolfkin: *nods* Wolfkin preferred. *said coldly*

Fionn: Okay, So tell us about yourself in 25 words or less,
Wolfkin: Well…I’m a 19 year old assassin, born on the Sun, home was destroyed and I want to destroy the ruler of the known universe…*eyes narrow evilly* he must die the slowest most painful death possible.

Fionn: That was 35 words
Wolfkin: Don’t make me hurt you…

Fionn: Okay…on with the interview…So your creator RB, What she like?
Wolfkin: *mutters* an evil….*smiles sweetly* a perfectly nice 16 year old girl with a hyperactive imagination, but I tell you know, living in her books suck, specially when she’s ticked off.

Fionn: …So why did she create you?
Wolfkin: well…three…no…four years ago, she was bored and started writing something in her school book, a story loosely based on her group of friends at school. And I was the main character, and from there she just let me evolve.

Fionn: so what do you think of the other characters in the Hierarchy?
Wolfkin: Tsaeb can go….
Fionn: PG 13 please
Wolfkin: Crawl in a hole…I don’t mind Kioah she a nice girl, quiet sticks to her computers, Shanther…well he’s never around to make a just judgment on, and then there’s Nayr only the best character in the Hierarchy not to mention the hottest!
Nayr: *from somewhere backstage* No way…you are so the Hottest member of the hierarchy!!
*Loud Noises*
Tsaeb: Don’t start this

Fionn: WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP *sigh*….*silence* thank you…anyway back to RB, apparently she makes you go through a lot of stuff over the duration of the hierarchy do you want to tell us about it?
Wolfkin: No not really but just for the record…RB stop talking to Tsaeb(the real Tsaeb), between the two of you, you can become very very sadistic.
Fionn: Right
Kioah: WOLFKIN, SNOWY’S EATING MY COMPUTERS AGAIN
Wolfkin: THEN SHUT HER DOWN, SHE’S MACHANINCAL REMEMBER…yes, when she’s bored she can come up with some cruel and unusual punishments.

Fionn: Snowy?
Wolfkin: A partly mechanical Wolf that RB decided to Chuck in 10 mins ago

Fionn: Speaking of Mechanics what’s the deal with you arm?
Wolfkin: Another of RB’s twisted ways of making me suffer.

*explosions, crashing, shouting,*

Wolfkin: Well, my times just fucken Run out. I’m going to kill you Tyen-shi *Grabbs Guns and runs off set*

*Gun fight noises off set, shouts, swords clashing*

Fionn: *mutters* well that’s done for

*lights fade*

I am going to interview Spearwa from Tears of the Sparrow. You can find it on my blog!

Reporter: Welcome Spearwa, how are you doing today?
Spearwa: Well, thank you Joe.

R: Well, we'll get right down to it. Everyone following your story in Natur wants to know how you are dealing with the loss of your childhood sweetheart, Fel?
S: It is hard Joe. As you know, Fel and I knew eachother all of our lives. It is true that I loved him very much, but towards the end of his life we were growing apart.

R: How so?
S: He was content to stay in Cunaie when I was beginning to wonder about things happening in the rest of Natur. My goals of raising a family and working the water field for the rest of my life were beginning to change.

R: I see. What brought about this change?
S: I would say that when I learned about my mother's history and lineage I began to wonder if this is really what she meant for me to do, to settle down with Fel I mean. I have no doubt that if Natur were a safer place she would have. But for me, there is a lot of danger and a lot of people who would have me dead.

R: It must be hard to live in fear for your life.
S: Honestly after Fel died, and until I met Lokk, I didn't care if I lived or died. In fact, I tried to kill myself, but it seems that I am alive now for a reason.

R: What do you think that reason is.
S: I wish I could say, Joe.

R: Do you see yourself settling down with Lokk?
S: Well, I could, but first he is going to have to stop lying to me. He hasn't even told me the truth about his name yet.

R: Well, I am sure all of the viewers out there are looking forward to another thrilling season of Tears of the Sparrow. Thanks for being here Spearwa.
S: No, thank you for having me Joe.

Nice



R: And don't forget, people, check out Spearwa's book, "Tears of the Sparrow"

S: I'm in a book?

Hm. I saw this on here, and I thought, ‘that looks like it might be kinda fun. Maybe I’ll give it a shot.’ Of course, I never got around to it, but last night while I was trying to sleep various snippets of the exchange kept popping into my head. So I gave up and wrote it down.

Originally I was planning to interview Jackie Caverton, who is the “main” character in my as-yet-untitled, perpetual work-in-progress space opera (“main” although the story isn’t really about her, per se). Unfortunately, she is painfully shy around people she doesn’t know, and when she gets self-conscious (like in an interview) her accent becomes thicker. She has a habit of dropping pronouns, making her hard to understand when she’s excited. All she seemed to want to talk about was boys and sex, anyway – she’s just at that age.

Due to fears of reprisal from their rather angry and capricious author, all of my other major characters declined to participate. So instead, we have an interview with Ardis Harper, a relatively minor character in the employ of Jackie’s father, who is going to tell us about the author and his characters in Jackie’s absence. So without further ado…

INTERVIEWER: “Hello and welcome to this installment of Important and Influential Voices Inside Rumrunner’s Head. Today we’re catching up with Ardis Harper, Lord Steward to the Royal House of Kelturo. Mr. Harper, sir, thanks for joining us.”
ARDIS: “My pleasure.”

INTERVIEWER: “You’re a minor character in Rumrunner’s impossibly ambitious and perpetually unfinished story arc. Why don’t you tell us a little about yourself and what your job entails…?”
ARDIS: “Certainly. Well, I’m basically a foil for more important characters to bounce expository dialogue off of. It’s a cliché role, I guess, but it has a long and vaunted tradition behind it, pays decently, and at least I’m not the one getting shot at, most of the time.

INTERVIEWER: “Uh-huh. What exactly is a Lord Steward?”
ARDIS: “A bit of everything, really. Basically, I’m the senior manager for the business, finances, and domestic affairs of the household of Lord Caverton of Kelturo. That makes me, effectively, the second most powerful person in the entire Province; I’ve a finger in every pot on every heart, so I know all kinds of useful tidbits I can drop into the plot at opportune moments or to speed things along when they get bogged down.”

INTERVIEWER: “Speaking of, I understand the Province of Kelturia is having a bit of a fiscal crisis right now.”
ARDIS: “Yes, it’s hard times for House Kelturo. Just between you and me, I think Lord Caverton’s about desperate enough to start accepting wealthy suitors for his daughter, Jackie. He said the other day-- Oops, sorry. There I go with the exposition again.”

INTERVIEWER: “That’s quite all right, just keep it to a bare minimum.”
ARDIS: “Well, I do try.”

INTERVIEWER: “So, what’s it like being a character of Rumrunner’s?”
ARDIS: “Well, like I said, overall I’ve got it pretty easy. But it’s not a walk in the park for everyone.”

INTERVIEWER: “Oh?”
ARDIS: “Just look at the way he treats poor Jackie, for example….”

INTERVIEWER: “I see. So you want to talk about her…? I understand she’s your employer, Lord Caverton’s, daughter and only child. What do you think of her?”
ARDIS: “She’s a perfect doll of a girl; shy, modest, enchantingly pretty, and to top it off, disconcertingly bright, though perhaps a trifle too naïve. Her eyes are mesmerizing.”

INTERVIEWER: “Sounds like someone has a bit of a crush.”
ARDIS: “Me? No, I’m old enough to be her father, myself, and I’ve known her since she was born. But, I think everyone has at least a little bit of a crush on her, whether they admit it or not. She’s just that kind of girl; It’d be hard not to.”

INTERVIEWER: “And you think Rumrunner treats her unfairly?”
ARDIS: “I think he must be some sick kind of a sadist. It’s bad enough he let her mother and unborn brother get murdered while she was still a child, then bankrupted her father. She’s part-gypsy and possibly a Telepath, both huge red flags that say, ‘treat me like crap’ in this jerk’s screwed up universe, and she’s allergic to the drugs used for Slipspace travel, so any time she goes anywhere she has to deal with the none-too-pleasant side effects of unmedicated transits. Nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, the usual. She’s lonely and depressed; cries herself to sleep at night. Next he wants to force her into an arranged marriage. And now, she’s being chased all over the galaxy by some mysterious evil menace and she doesn’t even know why. It’s all just so damned cliché.”

INTERVIEWER: “Wow.”
ARDIS: “He didn’t even give her a real name.”

INTERVIEWER: “What’s wrong with ‘Jackie?’”
ARDIS: “Nothing, properly speaking, I guess. But it’s just a place-holder. The rest of us, we’ve all got cool, exotic sounding names – Ardis, Rin, Toran, Ral, Kalari. And she gets ‘Jackie,’ because he hasn’t thought up a name he actually likes for her, yet. I hear he arbitrarily named her after his first big crush back in high school – that was like, ten years ago, man. Get over it already.”

INTERVIEWER: “What about the rumors that Rumrunner has a huge secret crush on this Jackie, his creation…?”
ARDIS: “That’s disgusting. I mean, I know it’s the distant future and all, and morals and mores have changed some, but he’s what, twenty-six? She’s barely sixteen. Where’d you hear that, anyway?”

INTERVIEWER: “Uh… From Rin. She’s got dirt on everyone, it seems.”
ARDIS: “Well, she’s rolled in the dirt with everyone.”
[Editor’s Note: Rin Turlis is one of Jackie’s traveling companions and fellow fugitives, a former prostitute.]

INTERVIEWER: “Erm, yes. Let’s keep this PG, please.”
ARDIS: “Actually, though, now you mention it, Rumrunner does seem to spend a lot of time writing Jackie’s parts. Maybe it really is just an excuse to spend time with her….”

INTERVIEWER: “At her first appearance he spends nearly a page describing how beautiful she is.”
ARDIS: “Yeah, I remember, I was there. It was, like—please excuse me while I throw up. I mean, yeah, it’s true, but come on—this guy needs an editor.”

INTERVIEWER: “Well, you can’t deny she’s quite… enchanting.”
ARDIS: “Don’t even think about it. She’s royalty, after all. Besides, if Rumrunner’s half as prone to fits of jealousy as I hear, he’d write you out of the story so fast it’d make your head spin.”

INTERVIEWER: “I was never in the story.”
ARDIS: “Oh. Good point. Still, stay away from her just the same.”

INTERVIEWER: “You’re the one who turned her into a drug addict.”
ARDIS: “I blame Rumrunner for that, too. He’s the one who screwed up her life, gives her nightmares and makes her cry herself to sleep. I was just trying to help her get some rest when I slipped her the Laudanum. How was I to know things were so bad she’d keep using it?”

INTERVIEWER: “So, it’s all Rumrunner’s fault?”
ARDIS: “Yes. And let’s face it, he’s a horrible writer. Can we say, ‘cliché?’”

INTERVIEWER: “Well, in his defence, it’s hard to be original in this day and age. Any specific complaints?”
ARDIS: “He’s uninspired, unmotivated, unfocused, too depressed to actually write anything most of the time, and lacks confidence. Moreover, he’s too shy to let people read what he writes, which not only defeats the point of writing it, but means he never gets any constructive feedback – which he needs desperately, I might add. He’s way too in love with the adjective and the sub-clause – some of his sentences are longer than most people’s paragraph’s – his syntax is stiflingly pretentious, and his grammatical constructions, impossibly convoluted. To top it off, he’s hopelessly romantic, overly melodramatic, and usually drunk when he writes. Let’s face it, the boy’s got more issues than words on the page.”

INTERVIEWER: “What do you think he needs most to help him out with all this?”
ARDIS: “I dunno. To get laid, maybe. At least that might distract him from coming up with more crap to dump on us for a while. It’d be nice if we could have a happy ending.”

INTERVIEWER: “Do you think it’ll happen?”
ARDIS: “Not a chance. Where’s he gonna find a girl with taste that bad?”

INTERVIEWER: “No, I mean the happy ending bit….”
ARDIS: “Oh, sorry. Well, not for everyone, that’s for sure. I read some of his character outlines – little Rin is for it, for sure. As if she hasn’t been through enough already. But the bastard has to have his ‘Tragic Characters….’”

There is a sharp knock at the door. A voice outside. “This is the Character Purity Commission! Open up in the name of The Author!”

ARDIS: “Oh, crap. I gotta go….”



Hmm. Well, it didn’t quite turn out the way I expected. Never thought my characters would have such animosity towards me; I’ll have to do something nasty to them to reign that in. Also, never would have guessed faithful old Ardis would be such a gossip….

Rumrunner

Haha liked it! And I will think about posting my own interview up soon.... in the next few years or so