Intel

OK guys this is what I've written so far. Can yer gimme some more ideas of where this story could go next. This isn't the start. I'm still writing that. The story goes that a muslim man has just blown himself up and others in a london building. Straight after this story continues.

I then knelt to the ground and began to pray to Allah. A strange feeling of peace overwhelmed me. My eyes were closed shut as I got wrapped into my prayer. This feeling was so righteous I felt I could stay here forever. I heard in the distance a window breaking but it didn’t bother me. Then I opened my eyes and arose to see something I have never witnessed before. I was no longer in the office building, I’m not even sure this was anywhere on earth. This place seemed to resemble my image of what the surface of mars would look like, except with earthly leanings. The sky was a damp red, what the sky on earth looks like when the sun is setting in the evening, but fails to dazzle the eyes of humans with its wonderous beauty because it is blocked by gloomy clouds hovering over the earth. I don’t know, maybe its just an English thing.

There were huge mountains in the distance holding up from as far as I could see, some sort of majestic kingdoms. Oddly enough, the ground was filled with fresh green pastures that stretched for miles. I couldn’t understand any of this. My eyes in-took all this information, all the while my mind denied it was real. I breathed in a smoky smell as if something had burned previously. The murky wind simply passed through my nostrils. I started to panic, this wretched world closing was closing in on me. Beating was my heart faster than I had ever felt. I hit the floor, curling into a fetal position, screaming, shouting and hollering. But all this in vain as I heard nothing. Nose as wet as a dog from crying, I found the strength to begin praying to Allah.

I must have stayed on the ground praying forever, but to no avail. Had Allah abandoned me? Was I not good enough to reside in his kingdom?

“Allah! Throw your mercy upon my soul! I am not worthy!” I croaked.

My voice was thinning out from my constant prayer and shouting.

“Allah, the creator of all, from your breath we come and to you we come and answer to on the day of judgement, show me where I’ve gone wrong”.

Allah had for-sakened me. As a boy I growing up in a big, loving, Pakistani community in Bolton I was never alone. I always had my Mum, Dad, Aunty’s, cousins, brothers, sisters and friends around me. I was never alone. Everyone was there for me and always made sure I knew how much they loved me. And boy did I know it! But even my dark times spent alone, away from family and friends. I always knew that Allah was watching over me. Always there to give me a helping hand, strengthen me when I’m down. Now it seems that Allah has abandoned me. I know now what it truly means to be alone. And all that’s left is a silhouette of what once was Saheed Aljazeera.

Dreaming it felt. Reality it was. Suddenly it hit me, maybe this was…hell.

“No! No! No! This hel-No!” I was screaming like a madman starting new words before even fully disposing of the current word residing on my lips. But how could this be? I’ve been a good muslim all my life, used the Koran to guide every action I ever committed, held my faith in Allah in my most trying times, prayed five times a day. Is it God’s will that I must dwell in this lifeless land for eternity? Is this my fate? For my soul to be left in pieces, alone? In pain? Heartache? Never ending misery?

What about my wife Keira? Must I never see her again? Never gaze into her hazel-brown eyes? Smell the sweet fragrance on her velvet smooth skin? Hold her in my arms at night? And my kid? What will become of them growing up without a Father? How will my son learn how to become a man? How will my wife feed and clothe our children? She doesn’t speak a word of English and all she knows is how to look after the house. Lately I’ve been having disagreements with the rest of my family and were currently, not on speaking terms. Kiera won’t be able to turn to them. She’ll live a life of squaller. Shame will be thrown upon her and my kids. I’m the one who caused this. Nobody else. And it is my family that must suffer the consequences of my actions. Down here I must live knowing this, understanding that I may never see them again. Through no choices but my own.

A nightmare from which I shall never awaken. I looked around this lifeless valley of death for a brief moment then took in a deep breath. Struggling to hold back tears with a long whisper my mouth uttered “If it is God’s will”. Maybe I was naïve, or maybe I was wrapped up in this hallucination of my own doing, but somewhere deep inside of me, something, still had an ounce of hope which wasn’t ready to accept this as my eternal home.

How many pieces of string does it take to reach serenity? I had a feeling I was about to find out.

Pendulum

Interesting, but what are you trying to say? He worshipped Allah like he was supposed to, right, so shouldn't he go to heaven (or equivalent)?

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bobothegoat

I actually heard that clip awhile ago on Art Bell's radio show. It was creepy as, um, Hell.

It did turn out to be an urban myth though. A bunch of people ran the story without bothering to check it after it was made up by some guy in Scandanavia.

Back on topic though...

Intel, the piece you have posted seems to repeat things a bit more than it needs to. The narrator says Allah has forsaken him several times, sometime multiple times per paragraph, and about how he doesn't have his family with him any more.

There were also a few tense shifts throughout the story. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be happening now or if it's supposed to have already happened.

The hardest thing with this piece will be getting everyone else to give up their preconcieved notions of Hell and accept yours--at least for the duration they spend reading your story. For example, I'm already thinking, "He can't have any hope deep down, because there would be no hope in Hell." This problem should go away though, by just telling the story and getting the reader to connect to your character.

Hope things work out.

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delirium

He may be saying that he worshipped Allah to find that it was wasted time or that something still needs to be taken care of yet, before he can reach paradise.

delirium

I think that the whole concept of people going to hell if you dont behave while your here is a form of blackmail, like a threat so that you wont oppose the controlling force.

midlandsmuse

COrrect. It's a big fat lie. Click here for more information on it.

As for "hell" well I have always thought that hell would be a personal experience. FOr instance, if you had a "heat fetish" (not saying such a thing exists) then hell could be just your cup of tea. I suppose it's that old saying that if a real mashocist were to meet a real sadist then it wouldn't work. BEcause the mashocist would say, "hurt me" and the sadist, knowing the mashocist enjoyed pain would say, "no". Thereby inflicting mental pain as opposed to physical pain with a sexual pleasure involved.

So I would say look at your character and think about what his / her hell would be and write that.

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midlandsmuse

Double post... sorry... slap my face

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delirium

Very good point regarding the Mashocist and Sadist thing.

Mike C

Are you implying that - gasp! - organised religion isn't about redemption, but about controlling the masses? Please say it ain't so!

Oh. It is so. Oh well.

Catholicism. That's my idea of hell.

And a religious leader who presides over an organisation that denies its followers contraception even when the world's population is bursting at the seams, which lies about the efficacy of condoms as a means of preventing the spread of the HIV virus, and which lines his and his cronies pockets while a vast number of catholics are living in abject poverty, that chose not to speak out against the transportation of Jews to death camps during WW2 in exchange for the safety of the Vatican, that turned a blind eye to the holocaust - he's my idea of Satan. How fitting that the current Pope was also a member of the Hitler Youth.

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delirium

If only you knew the deeper truth my friend, if only you knew, and why all that has happend in the past has happend.

Mike C

My guess would be criminal self interest, but feel free to enlighten me!

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delirium

Well the criminal self interest is totally correct, but theres no way you would be willing to listen to me, im willing to tell but it takes quite some time and i would probably receive complaints here for being off topic.
Ive been through it so many times with people and very few are prepared to listen to the details.

colvin11

'The current pope was also part of the hitler youth'

If you did some research, children who did not join the hitler youth were denied foodutil they loined

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valeca

First, moved to the Research Forum.





This is a misconception. It does work. Quite often. Being a sadist does not equal 'wanting control', whereas this example implies that. A 'true' sadist, as you say, would take the opportunity offered because they derive a satisfaction from the act, not the control.

Intel, rely on your sense of creativity rather than asking people to be descriptive as possible when telling you their version of hell. It's too close to asking people to write it for you...at least that's the impression you've given. I have no doubt you are capable of coming up with something uniquely yours.

Best of luck.

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"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

Mike C

So start a new topic. And the only reason I won't listen to the details is if they're stupid or boring, or if I've heard them before.

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