Thread: Invalides

I rode beneath the sight filled, light filled city; a place where eyes don't meet.
Gaze glaze without so much as even the slightest, lightest touch.
Impervious, never take notice. Play dumb, the rule of thumb.
Never so much as paying nod to presence or accompaniment.

A stranger, I bend and break, uncouth.
Incorrect clothes, wrong shoes, and improper stance and manner.
My neck had hurts, from watching so much hundred-fifty year old, man-made matter.

Standing long, bump and train's slight shuffled muffle,
a voice began like mid-century, old-time radio, chatter.
A most foreign sound washing over me, with dove wing softly flitter flutter.
Who?

My eyes seek and search for un-silent sweetest perch with ugly tourist stare,
and simutaneously, become caught in lightest floating sonic snare.
So silk-ely and washing over me,
warm word that form soliloquy,
though not a one has mean to me.
I simply, in wonderment, swim in breath and breeze.
Her (s)chant she speaks, like slow wind flowing through leaves in trees,
or gently falling brook in secret mountain meadow eaves.

She sat ignored and all alone, while issuing forth, in piss-stink coat and rumpled bonnet,
soothing sounds, as sweet as nature's bird winged sonnet.

From where she came and where she went,
I sat alone in wonderment.

My own, I thought, so guttural gutter.
Brutish speech, as broken rock and sand, and harshly sputtered utter.
While she, so nicely,
and warmly,
smoothest fawnskin, butterfly flutter.

Though insanity, she spoke to none and all,
and wandered off,
into the city.

I love this Kevin. I've only read through it once and I am left with a very nice feeling, which I love to have happen. I'm going to come back to this one for a closer more in-depth read.

Wow, that was awesome. I'm speakless and someone lost in some sort of thinking state. Inside my heads painting a picture and I'm not sure what to paint. But I'm pretty sure its from my own lack of understanding. All I know is I want to read more, I haven't read such a great piece of poetry in awhile.

Some very nice word combinations there, but they lose a bit by being surrounded by too much 'extra'. Imagine taking out the bolded bits

I rode beneath the sight filled, light filled city; a place where eyes don't meet.
Gaze glaze without so much as even the slightest, lightest touch.

For me it strengthens what is left.

beneath the ... city?
Does it mean it's under the ground?

Originally Posted by xlwoo

beneath the ... city?
Does it mean it's under the ground?

yes, the Paris metro- i don't remember which station, but I departed/disembarked at "Invalides" a few times. I like how it sounds. I s'pose the title could be 'crazy woman on the train', but i don't think that's as nice. Her voice was...

Did you think there was a lot more that could be 'cut'? (because) I do, but I was really trying for...sound(?) I wonder what sort of 'edit' you would come up with.( I don't mind at all) I can see the first four lines in a row 'defatted'. After that?

firstly, i think you'd better cut long lines into short lines like:
I rode beneath the sight-filled, light-filled city;
A place where eyes don't meet.

secondly use words with less syllables and squeeze out words unnecessary to use here, like
Gaze glaze, not so much as the slightest, lightest touch.

it's good you use alliterations and rhymes within the lines.