Thread: Poetry From Pain

I'm generally a horrible poet, so I don't bother much. This one came from an episode of weeping, so I thought I would share. It's not big on imagery, except in my head and those of my family. Thanks for reading!

Ode to Uncle Leo

I remember him showing me how concrete can set underwater, at the house he loved, in Ossian.
I remember him showing me how to fish, in the pond, next to the house.
I remember him always happy to see me, in Florida, the few times that I managed to make the trip.
I remember seeing him on the last day of his life, and he smiled at me and I saw the child in his eyes.

I took his hand.

His eyes lit up, nice and bright as he squeezed my fingers.

Two words rang out nice and clear through his ventilator mask: “Feel that?”

Later that night he finally rested; a man that railed against injustice with a childlike expectation that goodness should always prevail.

I believe so also, and think it’s true.

Rest in peace, Dear Uncle.

This is beautiful, OMD, simple, straightforward and deep from the heart. Your uncle sounds like a wonderful man, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thanks so much for sharing . . . a childlike expectation that goodness should always prevail. I can relate to that.

I'm generally a horrible poet, so I don't bother much.

This is gratuitous and doesn't apply to this, so why try and put us off, unless you are fishing for complements.

A good piece, the emotion comes through without being obtrusive, a couple of comments,

I remember him always happy to see me

I would leave out the 'always', it would leave the verb in the same position as the last two lines and emphasise the change in the last line a little more, and the end of the line implies it anyway.

I would also leave out 'nice and' in "His eyes lit up, nice and bright" and "Two words rang out nice and clear". It does not add greatly, the repetition is more subtle but it is still there and 'nice' is still a bit of a transition word moving from meaning something like 'precise' to something like 'pleasing', best to avoid such words until they settle.

I believe so also, and think it’s true

This seems tautological, either half would suffice.

it struck me as a most enjoyable, and heartfelt, read.

Well, poets need their suffering, otherwise their art would be lost on them.

Originally Posted by old man's dreams

Ode to Uncle Leo

I remember him showing me how concrete can set underwater, at the house he loved, in Ossian.
I remember him showing me how to fish, in the pond, next to the house. Perhaps 'beside' instead of 'next to' to maintain the pace.
I remember him always happy to see me, in Florida, the few times that I managed to make the trip. The 'always' struck me as unnecessary.
I remember seeing him on the last day of his life, and he smiled at me and I saw the child in his eyes.

I took his hand.

His eyes lit up, nice and bright as he squeezed my fingers. Remove 'nice'. It drags down an otherwise great sense of flow.

Two words rang out nice and clear through his ventilator mask: “Feel that?” Fantastic, very visceral.

Later that night he finally rested; a man that railed against injustice with a childlike expectation that goodness should always prevail. I particularly enjoyed this.

I believe so also, and think it’s true. I can see that you meant for these two terms to be interpreted as literal and felt, respectively, but I think that this either needs reworking or to drop one of the terms.

Rest in peace, Dear Uncle.

I thought that this was a great read, very raw, without a sign of pretention.

it's a poem with deep feelings. but i think the lines are too long. why not cut a long line into two?

A poignant poem,obviously straight from your heart. Sometimes not easy to write about such loss, but you kept it real. You have a lot of wonderful comments and suggestions to make this poem really--really good. Peace Jul